


Four Years

by curlsgetdemgurls



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Doctor Claire, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Sickness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-06-10 23:28:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 81,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15302397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlsgetdemgurls/pseuds/curlsgetdemgurls
Summary: It had been four years. Four years since that day I had walked into the wrong bathroom at the gym, pulled back that curtain and saw him.Four years ago today, I met him. My husband. James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.What happened in those four short years was life altering. Joy. Love. Pain. Loss. But love — so much love.





	1. Year One - January 2nd, 2014

**Author's Note:**

> This will follow Jamie and Claire throughout a period of four years on different days.

“C’mon, Claire, ye promised me ye’d come to the gym to help with my New Year’s resolution,” Geillis pulled on my arm which had been nicely tucked beside my warm body just moments ago. 

I covered my eyes with my other hand, the light from the window momentarily blinding me and sending signals of pain through my retinas. 

“Yes, I said I would come with you but I didn’t think we would be starting this particular resolution on the second day of the bloody year.” 

“Well yer a good friend who agreed to help their lazy arsed friend. So get out of bed, put on yer wee tights and let’s go!” She shouted at me or it sure sounded like shouting. My hangover had carried over from two nights ago. Here’s to 2014, Beauchamp. 

++++++

The gym was packed. I shouldn’t be surprised, it being the second day of the year. January was always a month full of hope. You looked backwards at the year you just lived and deemed it good or bad. Then you looked forward, you decide to make the most of the year ahead and promise to stick to those pesky resolutions. Lose weight, read more, drink less or maybe it was drink more?

What I wanted was the cool side of my pillow beneath my cheek and my fluffy cat Adso, tucked beside me. What I got instead was an hour and a half of running, weight lifting and trying to look like I knew what I was doing. 

There were plenty of people who were in the same boat as me. Looking around I saw all sorts of people. Overweight people, no doubt at the gym for the first time in their life, just like me. Super athletic people who probably never missed leg day. And a few senior citizens, the ones that wore their denim jeans and tennis shoes, walking laps around the track. 

I was lucky that I had good genes and never really needed to work out. Slim all my life, I ate whatever I wanted and drank as much as I needed. But running on the treadmill, I realised just how out of shape I actually was. My cheeks were flushed red, sweat dripped in places I’d rather it didn’t and my heart felt like it would explode at any minute. 

Geillis gave me a thumbs up from across the room, a 10kg weight in her other hand. This would be the last time I agreed to _anything_ Geillis Duncan says. 

“Bloody gym,” I muttered and used the towel I brought from home to wipe the sweat off my forehead. 

I’ve had enough. I was starting to smell and I was growing disgusted with myself by the second. The gym was being renovated and the bathroom signs on the doors, for whatever reason were missing. Playing a game of ‘eenie meenie miny mo’, I chose the bathroom on the left and walked in. 

Silence, all save the sound of a shower running. It didn’t look like the men’s bathroom. 

A warm shower would fix all my problems. Well, whisky would fix all my problems but currently a shower was all I had. 

Reaching for the curtain of the stall closest to me, I didn’t even register that the sound of the running water was coming from the one I chose. 

_Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ._ This _was_ the men’s bathroom. 

“ _Ah Dhia_!” The man shouted and turned his body away from me and into the water. I should’ve turned away, pulled back the curtain. But his back. It was covered in scars and I couldn’t look away.

“Do ye mind?” He said again, my momentary daze vanished. The blood rushed to my head and next thing I knew, my face was pressed against the cool tile of the bathroom floor. 

++++++

My body was floating down a stream, the water carrying me as I drifted aimlessly. I didn’t know where I was going only that I was being taken somewhere far away. 

The rush of the waterfall didn’t scare me. It only pulled me closer, begging to be taken by the full force of its power. But suddenly I wasn’t floating down the stream but I was wet. 

I opened my eyes to see a blur of red staring down at me, drops of water falling from his body. That explains the wetness. 

“Ye’re awake,” he whispered and then I noticed he was naked. Or he had been when I first saw him. Now he had a towel wrapped around his waist and I felt ashamed for wishing it was gone. 

I tried to sit up but my head tilted to the side and gravity limited me. The man said something in a funny sounding language and put something soft and plush under my head. “What happened?” I finally managed to speak. 

“Well… ye fainted,” he grinned, “I’d like to think it was seeing my glorious body that made ye faint but I willna take all the credit.” His Scottish burr twisted my insides and if I wasn’t already lying on the ground, the way he rolled his ‘R’s’ would have put be right on my bottom. 

“Is this the men’s bathroom?” I looked around to confirm my suspicions and I saw urinals over on the opposite side. 

“Afraid it is, Sassenach.” The man put his hand against my forehead, “Are you checking my temperature?” I asked as he slid his hand to the back of my neck. 

“Aye, just seein’ if yer ill or no’.” 

“I’m a Doctor and I think I would know if I were ill or not.” I tried to sit up again and felt his hand press against my back to hold me up. 

“If ye say so.” 

“What does Sassenach mean, anyways?” I had heard the word before but I always thought it was meant to be offensive. 

He cast his eyes down to the floor, “Och, it means English person or outsider. I didna mean offence, I just noticed yer accent.” The man smiled and held out his other hand for me to take. 

“I’m Jamie Fraser,” he gripped my hand tighter as he pulled me up and didn’t let go even though I stood just fine on my own. 

“Claire Beauchamp,” the door opened behind me and I cursed knowing how this looked, a woman in the men’s room. Standing before a towel covered man near the showers.

“I better leave,” heading towards the door, Jamie’s grip on my hand stopped me from moving forward. 

“I’ll see ye out.” He started to exit the bathroom but I put a hand out in front of him, “Not dressed in only a towel, you’re not!” He then looked down, “Ifrinn!” 

“Give me a minute to get dressed, Claire. Then I would like to see ye home safe,” his voice was smooth and steady. I didn’t know anything about this man other than the fact that he obviously spent most days at the gym. Something compelled me to wait for him though. 

Geillis was waiting outside the bathroom, her legs crossed, head down and absorbed in her phone. When I walked up to her she registered which bathroom I had come out of, “Claire! Ye wee fool, did ye just come out of the men’s room?” She was laughing because of course, “I was wonderin’ where ye were, I couldna find ye anywhere.” 

“An honest mistake anyone could have made,” I pointed to the lack of bathroom signs, “it’s not my fault someone forgot the signs!” 

I felt his presence before I saw him. Jamie. 

He stood behind me and I turned to meet his worried expression, “Are ye feeling okay still?”

“Okay? What happened in there? Who are you?” Geillis asked a series of questions that I didn’t exactly feel like answering while standing in the middle of the gym lobby. 

“Let’s just go outside, shall we?” Smiling I pulled her arm and walked out of the gym. Jamie followed closely behind us until we got to my car. 

“Ye better tell me what happened in that bathroom, Claire or I’ll just assume ye were bonking this strapping red headed fellow,” Geillis was always one to never shy away from what she was really thinking. 

“Geillis!” I hit her on the side of the arm and dared a look at Jamie who was hiding a smile behind his hand. 

“I was mindin’ my own business in the shower when this Sassenach here, pulls back the curtain!” He laughed as he explained to Geillis. I waited for him to tell her that I had fallen and blacked out for several minutes but he never did. Jamie gave a slight shake of his head, the secret was safe with him. 

Was it a secret? I had simply fallen, the floor could have been slick. I remembered the look in his eyes when I had first woken up. It didn’t look like a bad fall but rather something more serious. 

“Did ye drive yerself here?” 

“Yes, I drove myself and I can manage to do it again.” One fall and I was suddenly a damsel in distress. 

“I dinna think that’s a very good idea, Sassenach —“

“She’s a grown woman, why does she need you tellin’ her what she can and can’t do?” Geillis said and came to my rescue. 

“I know she can do whatever she likes. It’s just —“ He gave me a look, it was up to me to explain to Geillis why he thought he needed to drive me home. 

“You know, Geillis, it’s alright. I’m actually feeling very weak after that workout, must have pushed it too hard!” I started to dig for my keys in my gym bag. “You go ahead and go home, I’ll meet you there.” She gave me an odd look, considering we had driven in one car and she could have just driven. There was no need for Jamie to drive me home in his own car. 

“Ye’re actin’ a bit strange, Claire,” she leaned in close to me, “If ye wanted to have some hot car sex with the lad ye could have just told me,” she winked and took the keys out of my hand. 

I waited until she had pulled out of the gym parking lot before turning to Jamie. “She’s going to give me such crap when I get home.” 

Jamie led the way to his car and unlocked it, opening the passenger door for me. “Will ye tell her, then? About yer fall?”

I didn’t see why I needed to. “I don’t know. It was just a slip — right?” 

Jamie, this man I had just met, grabbed both my hands in his and pierced my soul with his gaze. “Sassenach… ye dinna slip on anythin’. The ground was dry and ye were just standin’ there when ye dropped. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.” 

“You think I should get my head checked out or something?” I snorted, I’m a Doctor. Surely I would know if there was something medically wrong with me. 

“Aye, I do.” Jamie dropped my hands and started the car. 

The rest of the car ride was silent save me telling him directions to my house. 

“I dinna mean this is a forward way but I would like to give ye my number.” He said as he pulled into the driveway. Geillis was home and I knew she would want the full report the minute I walked in the door. 

“Only to make sure yer really alright and if ye ever needed to talk —“

I nodded and pulled my phone out of my bag, “Alright.” I didn’t exactly put up with much of a fight. He was handsome, kind and seemed to genuinely care about my well being. 

Jamie rolled down the car window, “Please get yer wee head looked at, Sassenach.”

“I promise.” I turned to walk into my house and knew that I would see Jamie Fraser again and soon. 


	2. Year One - February 15th, 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie go on their first date.

It’s been forty four days since I last saw Jamie Fraser. But it’s been one hour since I last spoke to him. 

Over the past few weeks I learned a lot about him. He owned his own company for starters. A successful business man, he had started a distillery company a few years ago with his Godfather, Murtagh. The whisky he made was actually quite good and I even had a bottle of it sitting in my cupboard. A fact he loved to bring up. 

His parents had both died when he was young, at separate times but their absence made him ache sometimes, for family. And he had a sister, Jenny, who was married with a couple of kids. 

Because of my busy schedule, we had been unable to meet since that day in the gym. I also hadn’t found time to get my head looked at. Jamie asked me at least every other day, pestering me and reminding me that I worked in a hospital and that it shouldn’t be that hard. 

But it was hard. I would have to ask one of my colleagues for a head CT and I wasn’t prepared to do that yet. Besides… I hadn’t fallen since that day. There was nothing to worry about. 

I found that Jamie knew more about me than anyone else. This was especially odd because we only talked over the phone or texted. The digital age. 

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I hadn’t expected anything. So when a vase of flowers showed up with my name on it, well… it said, “For my Sassenach, Happy Valentine’s Day,” I found myself doing an embarrassing little dance by the nurses station. 

“That from Jamie?” Geillis asked as she came up from behind me. 

“Ummm, it might be,” I quickly grabbed the card that came with the flowers and tucked it into my front jacket pocket. 

“Ye spend all yer time talkin’ with the ginger fox but ye havena gone on a real date yet.”

Pushing my nose into the flowers, I felt faint. Not like I would pass out but just a bit light headed. The emotions, I told myself. 

“We will. I think we found time to see each other. In two weeks.” Jamie had asked for my schedule ahead of time and made sure to block out the days that I was off. He didn’t tell me what he was planning but I hoped it would include a kiss somewhere in the day. 

Ever since I saw his body, it was all I could think about. Most of the time I thought of his back and the story that went along with it. Jamie had told me bits and pieces; an accident of some sort, but he wanted to wait to tell me the rest in person. 

+++++++

My hair had a mind of it’s own. I had tried to put it in a cute messy bun on top of my head but it looked more of a mess and less cute. 

Jamie had just texted me that he was on his way to my house and my heart hadn’t slowed down ever since. Would he look different? Would he think I looked different? We had only Facetimed a couple of times, never finding time to do it properly. I couldn’t wait to see him again, I only hoped he felt the same. 

“Have a good date tonight, Claire.” Geillis smiled, flicking through the TV channels as I walked past her, towards the front door. 

“I will!” I half sang as I opened the door to find Jamie standing on the porch. “Hello there.” 

His smile was intoxicating, “Hello there, Sassenach.” 

“Ye better kiss her properly, Jamie!” Geillis shouted from behind me and I laughed, my cheeks blushing and I pushed him out of the way to close the door. 

“Don’t mind her.” 

“I plan on kissin’ ye.” Jamie said and caught my hand, he leaned in close, “After the meal,” and pulled back, leading the way to his car. 

_Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ._

The waiter took us to our table, a booth near the back of the restaurant with a stunning view of Edinburgh. 

“Before we start, I have to ask ye one thing, Sassenach.” Jamie folded his hands on the table and gave me a quizzical look. 

“Have ye checked out yer head like ye promised?” 

I should’ve known he would ask about this. “No,” I shook my head and felt ashamed. 

“I dinna want to make ye feel bad it’s only I worry —,” his hand slid across the table to reach for mine and I gave it to him. “What if somethin’ really is wrong. I couldna bear it.” 

“I’m sorry, Jamie. I just haven’t found the time.” My apology was genuine and I knew he could tell. 

“Och, just do it soon okay?” He smiled and released my hand, grabbing the menu instead. 

++++++

“Yer tellin’ me that Claire Beauchamp has been in Scotland for five years and ye’ve never been to the Highlands? How is this?” Jamie gasped and mocked horror.

“I’m very busy! I told you I’m a Doctor. I’ve always wanted to go but there just never seemed a good enough reason to go and see it for myself.” 

“I’m takin’ ye. That’s that. Ye canna keep livin’ here if ye dinna see the beauty of Scotland.” 

“Sounds like a plan, Fraser.” I reached for my glass of wine. 

“I know many things about ye, Sassenach.” Jamie said to me, pausing in between bites of his pasta carbonara, “But I dinna ken anythin’ about yer family. Where ye grew up? Siblings?”

I had been dreading these types of questions. I had managed to avoid answering any of them while we had been texting, simply ignoring the message and answering a different one. There was still pain surrounding memories of my family. 

I set my glass down and folded my hands in my lap, “My father’s name was Henry, he was very kind,” I smiled, remembering my father, “very smart, actually he was a doctor like me. That’s part of the reason why I chose to become one.” 

“That’s verra interesting, what was his practice?” 

“He focused on the brain, neurology. Very talented.” I began to feel more relaxed, taking another sip of wine, I let it all spill out of me, things I had never said about my parents to anyone. At least not in a very long time. 

“And yer mother? Was she as beautiful as ye?” He smiled and I felt the tip of his foot touch mine under the table. 

I blushed, “Well, she was very beautiful. I don’t know if I would say she looked a lot like me but yes. Her name was Julia, the strongest woman I knew. When I was young, my father and her tried for another child but they were unable.” 

I remember wanting a sibling so bad, someone to play with, a friend to have by your side always. 

“I think my mother must have had about five miscarriages while I was growing up. But she never lost the faith. Never let it show how much it really got to her.”

“I notice ye keep sayin’, ‘was’ and not ‘are’ or ‘is’ — are they gone then?” He asked and my throat clenched. Inevitably we would have gotten here at some point. 

“Yes.” I steadied my voice, years of practice. “About six years ago, they both died in a plane crash. I was in the middle of my residency in Oxford, that’s where I’m originally from, when I got the call from my Uncle Lamb.” 

Jamie reached for my hand across the table, all food and drink abandoned. 

“I’m so sorry Sassenach, I know what it feels like to have lost those most close to ye. I even ken what its like about the plane —“

“Are we all ready for the check?” The waiter interrupted Jamie. “Oh aye” Jamie looked flustered, I could see his train of thought vanishing behind those ocean blue eyes. 

The waiter presented the check and Jamie grabbed it quickly before I could reach to take it. 

“This is a date, Sassenach, you’ll no’ be payin’. I’m a gentlemen.” He bowed his head and handed the check back to the waiter. 

“That you are,” I smiled. My palms were starting to get sweaty, now thinking about how Jamie said he would kiss me after the meal. God, I probably had horrible breath after that garlic pasta. _Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, Beauchamp. Garlic pasta?!_

“When will you take me to the Highlands?” I asked as Jamie wrapped his arm around my waist. He wasn’t taking us back to the car but was leading us to a park near the restaurant. 

“Whenever ye’re free. Let’s wait a bit though, so it’s no’ so cold. Scotland doesna have too many warm days but I’d like to take ye there and not have ye freeze to death!” 

Jamie pulled me close to his side, his hand slipped into the front pocket of my coat and settled on top of my hand. The park was lit with globes of light lining the path. He lead us to a bench and we sat down.

“Did you bring me here to kiss me, Jamie Fraser?” I looked up at him, my hand slid across his firm stomach and latched onto his side. 

“How’d ye know?” He grinned and then brought one hand up to cup my chin. 

“Because I think you plan everything. You’re very romantic.” 

“I’m no’ romantic.” He blushed, leaning in. 

Apparently he didn’t care that I had just eaten garlic pasta, he didn’t care that my hands were probably ice cold against his skin as I slid my hand just under his shirt. 

Jamie closed the distance and kissed me. His mouth was warm and he tasted sweet. This was the second time that I had seen Jamie in person but my heart already belonged to him. I just hoped he felt the same, so soon. 


	3. Year One - March 8th, 2014

One week since our first date and I hadn’t lost the taste of Jamie on my lips. He consumed my thoughts, every spare minute was spent thinking about his ocean blue eyes and the way his lips felt so soft against mine. Several times, Geillis had to nudge me in the side to wake me out of a daydream. 

Jamie’s words of concern however, stayed with me as I walked through the halls of the hospital, past patients with all kinds of illnesses or injuries. I promised him I would get my head checked out. It had been now a little over two months since my fall so I owed it to him, so at least he would stop worrying.

I asked my colleague Joe, a close friend who had moved here from America the same time I had moved here from England. 

“Are you alright Lady J?” Joe’s features changed from expressionless to worried in a matter of seconds. I tried to play it cool, I asked him for a head CT and briefly told him about my fall in the bathroom. 

“A fall doesn’t always mean you need a head CT, you know that.” We walked down the hall and towards the labs. 

“Have you been feeling any other symptoms? Anything you aren’t telling me?” He asked. 

There was something I hadn’t told anyone, not even Jamie and was barely able to admit it to myself. 

“I’ve been having dizzy spells more and more and I get these awful headaches that just won’t go away, no matter how much medication I take.” 

“Lady J… how long has this been going on?” Joe paused just outside of the CT room. 

I couldn’t meet his eye when I told him, “Ever since the fall. Two months ago.”

He didn’t say anything but opened the door and told me to change into the hospital gown that was lying on top of the machine. I knew the drill, I had performed countless head CT’s as a resident. 

Lying back, I tried to focus on Jamie. His face, his hair, the way his touch sent little tingles throughout my body. I thought of anything that wasn’t what I was doing and the possible outcome. 

The machine came to life and I was eased backwards as it scanned my brain. There couldn’t be anything wrong with me. Surely I had just been dehydrated or exhausted. I’m a Doctor. I would know if there was something wrong. 

Joe waited until I was dressed before he called me into the viewing room that overlooked the CT room. I searched for signs on his face but I couldn’t read him. 

“Take a look.” The perks of being a Doctor were that I could look at my own results and understand them properly. 

But just because I was a Doctor did not prepare me for what I saw when I looked at my head CT results. 

“Is that…” I brought my hand to my head. 

“A brain tumour?” Joe looked at me and then back to the screen, “It looks benign, Lady J.” He pointed at the outside of the tumour, where you could _just_ see a thin border outlining it. 

“It’s still a brain tumour Joe. It could still kill me.” A bloody brain tumour had been growing in my head and I didn’t know. 

But it all made sense. The fall, the dizziness and the headaches….. the blackouts. 

“Don’t say that, Claire. We’ll do an MRI to make sure it’s benign and see if it’s metastasised anywhere else.” He grabbed my hand but I didn’t squeeze back, “You can beat this, whatever it is.” 

“Thanks Joe,” I whispered, turned and left the room, my mind void of any coherent thought. 

I kept walking, past my patients that I needed to check on, past Geillis who gave me an odd look when I didn’t acknowledge her. My hand found my phone and I was calling Jamie as soon as I walked outside. 

The fresh air somehow felt suffocating. Everything felt suffocating.

“Hello, Sassenach. Are ye on break?” Jamie asked cheerfully. I didn’t respond, the sound of his voice brought a wave of emotion over me. _God, what was I going to say?_

“Sassenach? Hello? Did ye butt dial me?” He laughed. 

“Jamie.” I choked out his name and then the tears came. They came falling down my face so fast I barely had time to find a bench to sit on before my legs gave out. 

“I’m coming to ye, don’t move.” He said and hung up. 

++++++

Jamie was there within ten minutes. He worked twenty minutes away so I knew he must have broken a few laws to get to me that fast. I was grateful though. 

He held me as I cried into his shoulder. I hadn’t even told him what was wrong, for all he knew I could’ve been having a bad hair day. 

After the tears lessened and I felt I could speak, I lifted my face from his tear soaked jacket. “Jamie, I got the head CT.” 

His breath caught in his throat and his hands went reflexively to my head, pushing back my curls from my face. Jamie cupped my head, running his fingers over the curve of my skull. 

“No.” He whispered, his own eyes now filling with tears. 

“Yes.” I cried. “A brain tumour. It might be benign, it most likely is.” I could see that he wasn’t processing my words, his eyes were glazed over. 

“Do you hear me, Jamie? I have a brain tumour!” I shook him slightly and he slid his hands down to my shoulders and gripped me tightly. 

“Stop it! Ye dinna have a brain tumour. You can’t! I love ye so ye canna be ill. Ye canna —“ Jamie suddenly fell against me and it took all my strength to lift my hands and cradle him against me. He told me he loved me. This should be the happiest day of my life. 

But instead… it was the worst. 

++++++

We sat for hours on that bench just outside the hospital. I assumed Joe had told someone why I wasn’t attending to my patients. No one came to look for me. 

I told Jamie a little bit more about brain tumours and he grew angry when I told him of my other symptoms he didn’t know about. 

He couldn’t stay angry with me for long though before his hard shell softened and he would pull me to him again. 

“I should go back inside,” I whispered into his chest. 

“Aye, I ken that but I’m no’ ready to let ye go.” 

“I have to tell my Chief about the brain tumour. They won’t let me work…” I lifted my head and held his tear stained cheek in my hand. “Jamie, will you come with me when I get the MRI? I need you there.” 

He kissed the top of my forehead and squeezed my hand against his face, “Aye, I’ll do anythin’ ye ask. Claire… I canna lose ye.” 

Jamie was breaking my heart. He didn’t call me Claire often and when he did I knew it was something serious. “You won’t lose me, Jamie.” 

I steadied myself, “And… I love you too,” closing my eyes, I said the words I had wanted to say since our first date. There was no time to waste now, every second was precious, a gift. 

“ _Mo cridhe_ ,” he whispered, his thumb tracing the line of my tears on my cheek, “I dinna know if I can bear this pain.” In the short time that I had known him, I knew for a fact that he was a strong man, able to take on anything. So to hear him say this, it broke me. 

“You could leave…” I said while looking at our joined hands, “I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to move on and forget all about me.” 

Jamie’s hand was under my chin, lifting my eyes, “Ye dinna listen to a word I say do ye, Sassenach?” His voice was firm but his eyes were soft and kind. “I told ye I love ye… that means yer stuck wi’ me because I dinna say that to just anyone, ye ken?”

He brought both my hands firmly in his and set them in his lap. “There’s an old Gaelic weddin’ vow that people say, I ken were no’ gettin’ married and it’s so soon but I’d like to make that vow wi’ ye, Claire.”

“What’s the vow?”

He touched the inside of my wrist with his thumb and I looked down, “Usually it’s a blood vow, a little cut here,” he pressed down against my skin, “but we willna do that.” He attempted a laugh but his heart wasn’t in it. 

“It goes ‘Ye are blood of my blood and bone of my bone, I give ye my body, that we two might be one, I give ye my spirit, ’til our life shall be done’”.

When he said ‘our life shall be done’, I almost lost it again but I held it together for his sake. “That’s beautiful, Jamie. Do I have to do anything?”

“Aye, just repeat it back to me, Claire.” And so I did and meant every word. I would do anything to make Jamie feel better. 

He helped me stand and we walked back into the hospital hand in hand, where Joe was waiting with the Chief of Surgery. What hurt the most, more than the thought of dying, more than the thought of surgery or chemo, was the fact that my father had been a brain surgeon. If he was here — he could save me but he wasn’t here so I was on my own. 

March 8th 2014, one of the happiest but also saddest days of my life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for this chapter and promise you'll keep reading! It gets better I swear.


	4. Year One - April 12th, 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie have a fun 'normal' day before things get crazy.

In the thirty-five days since I found about the brain tumour in my head, I had learned three things about it. 

Number one, it was most likely genetic which was almost funny if you thought about the fact that it could have come from my father, the neurologist’s side of the family. Number two, it had grown since my last head CT and number three… it wasn’t benign. 

Jamie had been with me through the MRI, a calm presence in the chaos. The MRI was needed to confirm the size and placement of the brain tumour. Amelia, the head of Neurology, was one of the best brain surgeons in the country. She was the one who had told me that I needed a craniotomy; I had had the pleasure of getting to know her over the last few years and I felt very comfortable with her performing the operation. 

We sat in Amelia’s office as she went over the procedure, mostly for Jamie’s sake. The craniotomy was scheduled for May 1st and I noticed that Jamie got really tense and even more quiet. 

“So we’re hoping that the surgery goes well and you can remove the tumour but if you can’t get it all…” I asked Amelia, trying not to focus on Jamie just now. 

“Then we will have to do chemotherapy,” she placed her folded hands in her lap and leaned back in the chair, “I know it’s no’ something you want to do but it might be the only option moving forward.”

“And you said it was a grade 3 brain tumour?”

“Aye, which means it’s cancerous and very aggressive. We’ll be able to learn more about it once we open up your skull —“

“Stop,” Jamie cut her off, “Dinna talk about openin’ Claire’s skull please.” 

Amelia looked from Jamie to me and all I could do was weakly smile, “Of course. Well, Claire. You are to go home and rest, I’ll see you both the day before the surgery.” She walked us out of her office and I immediately turned to Jamie. 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“What’s wrong with me?” He glared down at me. “Och, maybe it’s all this talk of people cuttin’ into ye I dinna like so much,” he huffed and crossed his arms, putting distance in between us. 

I knew he couldn’t handle this. This was a new relationship, which are always fragile to begin with but this… 

“Jamie,” my voice trembled and he finally met my eye, his composure softening. 

“I’m sorry, Sassenach. Dinna think I’m angry wi’ ye,” pulling me into a hug, I pressed my face against his chest, the steady beat of his heart my anchor. 

“I’m angry wi’ your wee brain tumour and well — dinna feel bad cause it’s no yer fault or anyone’s but… yer surgery is scheduled on my birthday.” He looked sheepishly down at me.

“I’ll change it then, Jamie. I will. You shouldn’t have to spend your birthday worrying about me while I’m in surgery.”

“No,” He kissed my forehead, “No, dinna change it, who knows when they would be able to reschedule. Besides… for my birthday gift ye can wake up from the surgery wi’ the damn tumour out of yer head.” 

“Let’s hope.” I squeezed his side, he turned us to walk out of the hospital. I talked briefly with Joe on the way out, making sure that my patients were doing well and that they didn’t feel like I had abandoned them. 

“Lady J, they don’t feel abandoned at all. They want you to get better,” Joe always made me feel better, perhaps it was his optimistic outlook on everything as opposed to my rather bleak view of the future. 

“Rest easy, LJ and Jamie man, take care of her,” Joe waved goodbye and I felt like my life was slipping out of my hands. My job put on hold and my relationship with Jamie was even beginning to feel on the edge. 

++++++

I walked through the door of Jamie’s loft and immediately threw myself on his bed. I had been spending most nights here and I missed Geillis but I knew she didn’t mind having more time to entertain her dates. She had been a rock for me as well, always making sure I had everything I needed and very rarely did she talk about the tumour. 

“Will they shave yer head for the surgery?” Jamie asked me, laying down beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. 

“No, only a small part of it but they will for the chemo.” My hands went to my mass of curly hair, my bird’s nest. 

“ _If_ they do the chemo.” Jamie turned his head to mine and I leaned over to kiss him. 

“They most likely will, darling.” 

Jamie didn’t move or flinch as I brought my fingers to his face. I traced the outline of his jaw, brushing against the two day stubble. My finger pressed against the straight line of his nose and over his lips, the lips I loved to touch. I let my thumb smooth over the worried lines in his forehead and I curled up closer to him and kissed away the tear that betrayed his true emotions. 

“Jamie,” I whispered, “Can we have a normal day? Just a day where we pretend like I don’t have a massive lump in my head. We can watch movies, maybe play board games. And you can make me laugh like you did on our first date.” 

“I was born to make Claire Beauchamp laugh,” he smiled. The first real smile I had seen in weeks. “It’s my God given duty and I shall no’ let ye down.” 

++++++

The pizza was ordered and the whisky was poured. I planned to gorge myself on as much junk food as possible over the course of the day. The rules of our “normal day” were that we weren’t allowed to talk about anything medical and we had to be present, living in the moment. 

“What shall we do first, my own? A movie of yer choice or a board game?” Jamie waved his hands in front of the TV like a game show hostess and I laughed. 

“Hmmm, while I love that pose you’re doing, I think I’ll have to go with a board game first.” Jamie walked over to his bookshelf of games and pulled out three options. A game called ‘Ticket to Ride’, the main goal being to complete a destination with little train pieces. His favourite game, ‘The Game of Life’, how cliche. And a ‘Harry Potter’ themed Monopoly, one of his most prized possessions. 

“Seeing as we have the whole day,” I placed my hands under my chin in a ‘I’m thinking’ manner, “How about we play all of the games.” I smiled and reached for Monopoly first as Jamie brought over the bottle of whisky. 

“Sounds good to me, Sassenach but I get to be the Gryffindor piece.” 

“Of course you bloody would be Gryffindor, Fraser. So brave,” I teased, “So strong and courageous.” I put my finger in my mouth and pretended to gag. 

“What are ye then? A Hufflepuff?” Jamie laughed and helped set up the board. 

“Excuse me! Hufflepuffs are loyal and kind, the truest of friends. Yes... I am Hufflepuff and proud!.” I had done one of those online quizzes to see which house I would be sorted into and I was happy with my house, plus I didn't mind the colour yellow so that was a bonus. 

I had forgotten how long it actually takes to play a game of monopoly so here we were, three hours later and it didn’t look like it would be ending soon. 

“Maybe we should just call it a draw?”

“Are ye sayin’ that cause yer afraid I’ll beat yer arse, Sassenach?” _Yes._

“No! Of course not. I just think we should start the movie and maybe start in on that chocolate cake you picked up at the store.”

“A draw,” he said with slanted eyes, “This time.” 

Cleaning up the board I though about how good this day had already been but couldn’t help it as my mind drifted to the next few weeks. 

“Claire,” Jamie said and I looked over at him, standing in the kitchen, knife in hand over the cake, “Stop thinkin’ about it.” He knew me too well. 

“Okay,” Smiling I stood up and pulled the fluffiest blanket ever out from a basket under Jamie’s coffee table. I scrolled through Netflix as Jamie took his place next to me, setting a rather heavy plate of cake in my lap. 

“Netflix and chill?” He grinned and started to tickle my side. 

“Jamie! Stop!” I laughed, my stomach beginning to spasm, “If you want chocolate frosting all over your nice white couch then be my guest.” 

He squeezed my side one last time and returned his hand back to his plate. “This movie okay?”

“‘When Harry Met Sally’,” he read off the title and took a giant bite of cake, “Never seen it.” 

My mouth dropped and he paused mid chew to look at me, “What?”

“I can’t believe my boyfriend has never seen this movie. It’s a classic, Meg Ryan is a goddess and Billy Crystal is a comedic genius.” 

“Your boyfriend eh?” He picked up on my select choice of words. 

I elbowed him in the side and pressed play on the movie, “Yeah one of three boyfriends,” I joked and winked, something Jamie apparently could not do. 

When it got to the part in the movie where Harry and Sally are sitting in the diner and Sally fakes an orgasm right there in the middle of all those people, I couldn’t help but watch Jamie’s reaction. 

His cheeks were bright red and he kept shifting his gaze from the screen and back to me. 

“Stop lookin’ at me like that, Sassenach.” 

“Like what?” My hand wrapped around the front of his stomach. 

“Like ye want to eat my face off,” grinning like a schoolboy he pressed his lips to mine. I could spend an eternity kissing Jamie Fraser. 

The next twenty minutes or so we didn’t pay attention to the movie, only each other. Jamie and I hadn’t had sex yet and God did I want to. With being diagnosed so early on in our relationship, there never seemed like a good time. And I didn’t want to rush it or treat it like it was something we _had_ to do. 

And I wasn’t ready to give myself over to him just yet. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be healed when we made love for the first time. So when Jamie’s hands slipped to the waist band of my leggings, I stopped him from going further. 

“I’m sorry,” I breathed against him, setting my forehead against his, “I just — want to wait… until after.” I could barely get the words out. We weren’t supposed to talk about my tumour but this could hopefully be an exception. 

Jamie let out the breath he had been holding, his hands moving to rest on my waist, “I understand, Sassenach. I just want ye so much — I feel I can scarcely breathe sometimes.” He kissed me, deep and lingering. 

“Aye, we’ll wait… until after. Because,” he put his hand under my chin to force me to look at him, “there will be an after, Sassenach. There will be many afters.” 

God I loved him. I couldn’t imagine going through this without him nor did I want to. 


	5. Year One - May 2nd, 2014

The world was dark and rather cold. I was aware of voices surrounding me, speaking of things I couldn’t yet comprehend. My eyes wouldn’t open, the anaesthesia still running through my veins. 

I was dreaming of candles and balloons, cake and presents. All the things Jamie should have received on his birthday yesterday but instead what he got was a kiss from me and eight hours sitting in a waiting room. 

He said, “Dinna fash, Sassenach,” and then my eyes closed and I drifted off into oblivion. It would have been easy to let myself go. Run away from the pain, which had grown worse in the time waiting for my surgery. The tumour was spreading fast, a virus that needed to be snuffed out as quick as possible. 

I wanted to let go. But there was a hand holding me in place, tethering me to this earth. Slowly, I came round. The shades were drawn and the room was dimly lit, I could just make out the shape of him.

“Sassenach, taing Dhia,” Jamie’s hand instinctively went to stroke my head but he hesitated and instead gently touched my arm. 

I raised my eyebrows, “Ye look bonny, can barely tell that there’s even a chunk of hair missin’ in all that curly mop,” Jamie touched the end of one curl with the tip of his finger, “ _Mo nighean donn_.” 

When Jamie spoke Gaelic it eased my soul. He often spoke to me in Gaelic while he thought I was asleep and couldn’t hear him. I didn’t understand a word but it was a comfort, he had once said he told me things which I would dream of and ‘ken’ the meaning. 

“How’s our patient?” Amelia walked in, charts in hand. 

I gave a thumbs up, still unsure about testing my voice just yet. The pain wasn’t too bad but then it wouldn’t be for the lovely morphine dripping into my bloodstream. 

“That’s good, very good,” she looked hesitant as she glanced down at the chart. 

Jamie noticed my unwillingness to speak and asked the very question I was thinking.

“Did ye get it all out? The tumour.”

_Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ._ The expression on her face was enough to tell me what I feared the most.

“We were unable to remove the majority of it, there was some brain tissue surrounding the tumour and it would be putting your life at too great a risk to have continued.” 

“So we have to do the chemotherapy?” Jamie asked for me. He had said “we, as if it was the both of us that would endure the medication that would tear me apart in order to heal me.

“That is looking like the next step, yes.” She wrote something down on that damned chart, offered her goodbyes and promised to check in when I was more alert. 

“Jamie,” I croaked, “I — I’m —“

He came to me, clutching my hand firmly in his and knelt beside the bed. “Shhh, Sassenach. Dinna try to speak. Ye’re still tired from the surgery.” He had dark bags under his eyes, did he not sleep at all?

“Jamie,” I whispered, ignoring the slight raise of his eyebrows, “I’m sorry your birthday was crap.” He smiled, bringing the back of my hand up to his mouth to kiss it. 

“Dinna fash, _mo nighean donn_ , I’ll have another one next year… and the year after,” he placed a kiss on the tip of my nose, “and the year after that.”

My lips trembled and I prayed to God, lying there in that hospital bed that I would be there for him next year. 

++++++

We stopped by my place before continuing home to Jamie’s. Jamie hadn’t officially asked me to move into to his loft but most of my stuff was there and I had a key so, basically I lived there. I’d been released from the hospital a week after my surgery, with my first chemotherapy appointment scheduled in eight days. The first round would be rather aggressive, Amelia informed me, then the treatments would ease up. I had seen cancer patients, I knew what the side effects were. 

“There’s my bonny lass,” Geillis greeted us at the door, giving Jamie a kiss on the cheek and pulling me in for a gentle hug. “Ye dinna look so bad, Claire. Canna even tell they shaved yer head just there,” she reached up to touch the fuzzy spot and I smiled. 

“Told ye,” Jamie chimed in. 

“We’ve just come to grab a few more of my things, Geillis. Thanks by the way, for putting up with all of this and my coming and going.” I heard a soft meow and felt Adso brush against my calf, “And thank you for taking care of my wee cheetie,” I bent to give him a pet behind the ears and he purred. I hadn’t wanted to bring Adso to Jamie’s just yet because I knew I would be so sick and unable to properly take care of him. He was better off here with Geillis. 

“Dinna worry, Claire, I promised I would help ye through this. Besides… I ken why ye’d want to live with him instead of me,” she nudged my side and winked. Jamie caught her remark and laughed, slipping a hand around my waist. 

“Can you just grab that last box and a few things in the closet?” He nodded and silently went to my room. 

Geillis crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned back to look at me, “So, ye start the chemo next week?”

I nodded, “Yes. I know what to expect but I don’t know if Jamie does…” I voiced my fears to Geillis. Jamie had never seen me violently ill like he would once the treatment started. But Jamie was anything if not consistent. He said he loved me and he made a vow, a vow I knew he wouldn’t break. 

“Ye’ve got a good man by yer side, I reckon he’ll put up wi’ anythin’ that has to do wi’ you.” 

“‘Put up wi’’ is no’ the exact words I would choose Geillis,” Jamie came back into the hall, box held in front of him. “I’d take Claire anyway I could have her, bald spot or no’.”

I tried to kick my leg out to trip him but he was too quick and jumped over it. “Shall we go, Sassenach? We need to get some food in yer system.” Jamie walked to the door, arms full and waited for me to open the door for him. 

“Geillis?” 

“Yes, Claire?” I paused in the entryway, taking a look around at what used to be my home. 

“When the time comes… will you be the one to shave my head?” I heard Jamie make a strangled noise behind me but ignored it best I could. Geillis’ eyes watered and it took all I had not to break down with her. 

“Of course, Claire. It’d be my pleasure to wack off that bird’s nest,” she joked and I stalked forward and threw my arms around her. I could always count on Geillis to lift my spirits. 

She kissed my cheek and then waved goodbye as we got back in the car and headed home. 

++++++

The day before my first round of chemo, I treated myself to a hot bubble bath with a rather expensive ‘Lush’ bath bomb. My water was currently a nice shade of blue, my favourite colour and I loved watching the swirls of dark purple mix in. A knock came on the door, “Come in,” I responded and Jamie opened the door just a crack. 

“Do ye need anythin’?” He asked, painfully trying to avoid looking at my naked body in the tub. While we had slept together in the same bed many times, we still hadn’t made love. He kept his promise to wait until after I was feeling better. I knew it was hard for him because it was so hard for me, lying next to him in the bed, our bodies snug. 

“I’m covered in bubbles, you can look at me, Jamie,” Laughing I looked down to make sure I was indeed covered in suds. 

“Aye, just checkin’.” He smiled as he opened the door wider and finally looked at me in the bath. “Sassenach — ye have such lovely white skin.” 

“If that’s your way of calling me pale then shut it, Fraser.” 

“No! Och, I dinna mean that,” he walked forward and took a seat on the chair beside the bath, “I just meant that I’ve never seen this much of yer skin,” he reached out and touched my slightly damp shoulder. “Ye have a lot of very nice skin.” His voice was suddenly much deeper and rather husky. 

“I do have a lot of skin, some of it is underneath all of these bubbles,” I arched an eyebrow and stuck my foot in the air, wiggling my toes around. 

“Are ye invitin’ me to touch ye down there, Sassenach?” He gasped, joking, “I’m a man of honour and I wouldna dare touch a lady such as yerself in that way.” As he spoke though, his fingers were dipping underneath the water and with his other hand he was pushing up his sleeve. 

“That’s exactly what I’m inviting you to do, Jamie.” I held my lip between my teeth and braced my hands on either side of the tub as I felt his fingers graze my nipple. God, to feel him finally touch me, skin on skin, it was euphoria. 

I felt like a teenager, doing something I know I shouldn’t. But we were adults and honestly it was a miracle that we hadn’t just said to hell with waiting and jumped each other’s bones yet. _Don’t rush it, Beauchamp, it’ll be worth it in the end._ Something to look forward to amidst all the pain that was to come. 

Opening my eyes, I then realised I had them shut and saw Jamie’s face, he looked so _cute_ , concentrating on what his hand was doing. “Tell me if ye want me to stop, Sassenach.” 

“I don’t want you to ever stop,” I breathed a deep sigh and squirmed when his hand traced under my breasts and made a slow line down my stomach, pausing on my pubic bone. I pushed my hips up, almost making the water splash out of the tub. 

“Eager, are we?” He clicked his tongue and continued to move his hand down, down, down until he rested the palm of his hand on my mound, cupping me. 

“Jamie,” I whispered and shut my eyes closed to the rest of the world. He entered one long finger into my slit. He didn’t move it at first, testing my body’s reaction. When he started to move it in and out, pumping it inside of me, I pushed my head back and placed one hand on the rim of the tub. 

“Make me feel good, Jamie,” he added another finger and his thumb moved in steady circles on my clit. I looked up at his face through hooded eyes and he was smiling down at me. 

“I’ll make ye feel good anytime ye want, Claire.” We held eye contact as he made me come, water inevitably splashing over the side as my body shook with spasms and this time they were the good kind. 

I rested my head once more on the back of the tub and watched Jamie pull his arm out of the water, grabbing a towel and drying his arm with a smirk in my direction. 

“You know, Jamie, it’s been exactly four months since we met.” 

“January 2nd,” he came back to sit on the chair, “Happy Anniversary then, my love,” and with a kiss, Jamie left me to finish the bath on my own. 


	6. Year One - June 13th, 2014

My first round of chemo went exactly how I expected. When I got home, after spending the past 2 hours getting the drug ‘Temozolomide’ injected into my system, I immediately threw up. And I didn’t make it to the toilet. 

I stood there in the middle of the living room while Jamie tried to reassure me that it was okay. He cleaned up after me and then helped strip me of my vomit covered clothes. I laid in bed with a bucket beside me for the next 26 hours, only getting up when I needed to use the bathroom for anything more than to vomit. 

Food wasn’t an option, nothing would stay down but Jamie had received explicit instructions that he’d written down and kept on the nightstand, to keep me hydrated during this process. He woke me periodically in my crazed state of sleeping to make me drink water. 

After the first few days it got better and I began to feel more like myself. Amelia told me that we would do my chemo in two week cycles so that meant my next treatment was tomorrow. 

My hair was already falling out, not in chunks yet, thank God but I still found hair everywhere around the house. Jamie didn’t voice this but I knew he was not looking forward to the day when I would shave my head; which was today. 

“I’ve got the scissors here, we’ll cut most of it off first and then I’ve got the razor here,” Geillis held up the razor so I could see it in the reflection of the mirror. I said I wanted to watch, a final goodbye to my curls that had always been a part of me. It would grow back, Beauchamp. 

_Yeah, if you live long enough…_

Jamie was sitting in the living room or rather he was pacing in the living room. He told me he would be there for me if I needed him but he’d rather not watch. I promised I would tell him when it was over and the hair was put in the bin so that he could come and see my new look. 

“Jamie, you might want to play some loud music so ye dinna hear the sound of the razor ye ken,” Geillis shouted to him and there was no word from him but one minute later the familiar sound of “Coldplay” was blaring through the speakers. 

Geillis put her hands on top of my shoulders and met my eye in the mirror, “Are ye ready, Claire?”

“I don’t know when I’ll ever be ready but I suppose we should get it over with.” I bit my bottom lip to hold back my emotions. She picked up the scissors and I almost jumped when I heard the first ‘snip’ and chunks of my hair began to fall on the bathroom floor. 

I hadn’t cried the entire time that she cut my hair and I sat stoned faced looking at the reflection as she turned on the razor and started to shave the rest of my hair. 

“Jamie!” Geillis shouted, sliding the razor and scissors in the drawer and tying up the bag full of my hair. “Ye can come and take a look at yer Sassenach.”

I held my breath and my heart rate quickened when I heard the music shut off abruptly. His footsteps echoed down the hall. When I saw the look on his face, then I cried. 

He didn’t say anything but walked forward and bent down, placing a gentle kiss on the top of my peach fuzzed head. I felt wet drops on my head and knew he was crying too. Reaching behind me, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as tight as I could. Jamie wrapped one arm around me and the chair and kissed my temple. 

“You are beautiful, Claire. My God, ye are so beautiful.” That made me cry even more because what I felt was exactly the opposite of beautiful. I felt hideous, weak and I feared that this would break me. 

++++++

The next day we drove up to the hospital, once a place that I loved, my second home. Now it was a place I dreaded, to be poked and prodded. I was on the other side of the needle and I didn’t like it one bit. 

Joe greeted us as he always did and gave me a hug, not commenting on the scarf I had wrapped on top of my head. What a good friend. 

“You look good Lady J, I know you probably don’t feel it.” Jamie held my hand as Joe held my other. We walked down the hall and he told me about a particularly tricky operation he had performed the other day on a child that had swallowed a plastic toy car. He was trying to keep a sense of normalcy in our conversations which I was grateful for but it was also hard to hear him talk about operating when I hadn’t been able to in months. 

Would I want to return to medicine after all of this was over?

He parted ways with us when we reached the treatment room. I waved hello to a few people that I had met on my last visit and got choked up when I noticed that there was one less person in here than the last time. Only two weeks had passed, life was never certain. 

“I brought the blanket in case ye get cold like last time, Sassenach,” Jamie held up the bag we packed and I saw the corner of the fluffy blanket that we kept on the couch. 

“Maybe later,” I smiled, “I’m too hot right now.” 

He nodded and took a seat next to me and watched as the nurse came over to us and began to sterilise my skin. I watched as the needle went into my arm, not even flinching as it broke the skin. Jamie on the other hand hissed through his teeth and had to look away. He once told me he couldn’t bear to see me in pain. Well… I couldn’t bear it either. 

An hour later and I was shivering. “The blanket,” my teeth chattered together, “Jamie, please.” 

He put down his book, reached into the bag and pulled out the fluffy blanket, wrapping it snuggly around my body. Jamie held the tips of my fingers, his eyes checking for anymore signs of discomfort. 

Once I had stopped shaking, only a slight shiver every now and then, I squeezed Jamie’s hand and he kissed my hand. 

“You never did tell me about your accident,” I motioned to his back, “I need something else to focus on.” I grimaced at the bruised feeling on the needle’s entrance. 

“Have I no’? I suppose something must have come up,” he quirked up the side of his mouth and then took a deep breath, preparing to tell me. 

“It was a plane crash.” He squeezed my hand when I gasped at his confession, “I was on a fairly small plane, no more than forty seats, coming back from a trip in Paris to visit my Uncle Jared.”

“Must of been what, nearly six years ago now, no’ even nineteen years old. There was a storm,” the look in his eyes told me that he was now reliving the crash, “I don’t remember much but I remember the plane going down.” 

“I remember the rain hitting against me, soaking me through to the bone and my back —,” he winced, as if his shirt was too tight, “I must have been dragged when we hit the ground, my back… as ye’ve seen,” he blushed then remembering our first encounter.

“How long did it take to recover?” I asked.

“Och, I spent about a month in the hospital, mostly laying on my stomach while the wounds healed. I’d broken my arm as well,” I slid my hand up to stroke his arm.

“Still pains me some days but no’ as much as it used to.” 

“I’m so sorry, Jamie. I wish I could’ve been there for you. To heal you.” I was a doctor and my first instinct was to help, to use my hands to heal. That’s why it bothered me so much that I could not even heal myself. 

“I would’ve liked that very much.” Jamie smiled, returning to the present, “You’re a good woman, Claire, wi’ a good touch.” 

“The healing touch only extends to others, I’m afraid.” Sighing I leaned back in the chair and looked at the clock on the wall, only twenty minutes left. 

++++++

**_June 15th, 2014_ **

**_2:34am_ **

Claire was shaking in the bed beside me. I turned on the lamp to look at her, she was covered in sweat but when my fingers pressed against her, she was as cold as ice. 

“Claire, please,” I gently tried to wake her, “Sassenach, yer scaring me.” 

Her eyes opened and she gasped, sucking in a breath so quick, it startled me. I knelt down on the bed beside her, “Sassenach, ye dinna look so good, what do ye need.” 

“Ice,” she whispered.

“Ice? But ye’re freezing, I’ll no’ make ye colder.” 

“I’m so warm, Jamie.” I touched her skin again and it was suddenly burning up. Her temperature had changed in only a matter of seconds. I knew this was one of the side effects but I didn’t really believe it. 

“Dinna move, I’ll get ye the ice.” I stood and left her shivering on the bed, anxiously running to the kitchen to grab as much ice as I could put into a bucket. 

I lifted one ice cube and placed it on the back of her neck, watching as it started to instantly melt against her flushed skin. “My God, Sassenach.” 

Rubbing ice cube after ice cube on her furnace of a body, my fingers slowly went numb but I didn’t care. She needed me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading! I know this seems like a sad story but ultimately its a story of Jamie and Claire's love, we'll get through this!


	7. Year One - July 29th, 2014

The past forty-four days were some of the darkest days of my life. My cheeks no longer remembered what it was like to smile. I could try and sugar coat this by saying that it wasn’t all that bad but chemo sucks and brain tumours suck and they can all go fuck themselves. 

Countless nights I spent awake in pain. Not even Jamie’s touch comforted me anymore. I was a shell of who I once was. It sometimes annoyed me how much Jamie was there for me. I should be grateful. I should be more appreciative of the fact that he had been sleeping in hospital chairs and missing so much work, leaving it all to Murtagh. It was the fact that I knew deep down I was wrecking his life. 

If he hadn’t met me then he would be happier, that’s what I tell myself when I catch him dozing off in the chair beside me. 

“Jamie,” I whisper, my foot stretching out to nudge against his knee. 

He pops his head up and with a wide eyed gaze he comes back to life. “Sassenach, are ye alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” I can’t help but be short with him. It’s not his fault. It’s this damn medication. 

“We don’t have any food in this house and I’m starving for once.” My stomach rumbles, confirming my need. 

Jamie leans up and stretches his hands above his head, a tiny sliver of skin shows as his shirt raises. My eyes drift down his body and I feel nothing. Once, I wanted to pounce on him, lick his face and make love to him until the end of time. _A bit dramatic, Beauchamp._

I love him, God do I but I didn’t feel sexy, didn’t feel like I was desirable anymore. Brain tumours are a turn off, in case anyone ever wondered. 

“What are ye in the mood for, Sassenach?” He asks me cheerfully.

“I don’t know, just something that won’t make me sick.” _Good luck finding that._

He stood to his feet and walked past me on the couch, then I felt a kiss on the top of my bald head, the scarf had been irritating my skin. “I love you, Claire.” He took a breath or was it a sigh and left the loft, keys in hand.

Tears of frustration begged for release but I wouldn’t give in. I wished so badly that I could show him how much I loved him. If we made it out of this alive then I would. I would show him with my mouth, with my hands, with my words I would tell him everything I loved about him. 

What I needed right now was my little ball of fluff, Adso. Geillis had brought him over for a visit just last week and it pained me to see him leave. I was looking forward to the day when his little paws roamed the floors of this home. 

My spot on the couch had become like a cocoon, a protective layer that encompassed me in warmth when I needed it and a shelter when I couldn’t stand to lay next to Jamie in bed, his body heat leaving me drenched in sweat. 

An hour later, after finishing yet another episode of “Queer Eye”, a knock came from the front door. Who the hell could that be?

I rose weakly from my dip in the couch and padded over to the door, “What, did you lose your keys, Fraser?” He’d done it before, dropped them out of his hands and they’d fallen down in between that little spot between the elevator and the hallway. 

Opening the door, it wasn’t Jamie I found, but a short, brown haired woman with brown eyes starting back at me. 

“I’m probably no’ the Fraser ye were expectin’ but I ken the one ye were.” She smiled brightly but I still couldn’t place her. 

Flustered, she stretched her hand out for me to shake and I gripped it like a fish, the strength in me gone a long time ago. “Jenny Fraser,” she said, “Jamie’s sister.” 

_Oh._ I’d never actually seen pictures of Jamie’s family and suddenly I felt selfish for not having asked. We spent so much time focusing on me and my health that I had neglected him. 

“Please,” I stood back from the door, “Come in, Jenny. Jamie should be back soon, he just went to grab some food.” Looking at the clock on the oven panel I realised that was over an hour ago, where was he?

“I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, Claire,” so she knew my name? “I was in Edinburgh for work, ye see I help manage the books at the Distillery and needed to visit some of our clients up here.” She had a rather cheery yet commanding disposition. Not unlike her brother, I thought. 

“Oh, I didn’t know you worked with Jamie and Murtagh!” I led her over to the living room and took my place back in my cocoon. “He told me about your father’s passing, I’m very sorry.” 

“Och, dinna fash, was a long time ago.” Waving her hand in the air, she then looked around at the loft like she’d never seen it. Maybe she hadn’t.

“Is this the first time you’ve been to Jamie’s loft?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

Nodding, I saw something in her, a hesitancy almost. “Claire…” she met my eye, “Ye ken about Jamie’s scars? On his back?” 

“Yes. I’ve seen them,” a blush creeped it’s way up my neck, “He told me about the plane crash and his recovery.” 

Jenny pressed her lips together and fiddled with a loose string on her pants. “I’ll bet my life that he didna tell ye the full story,” she smiled and it didn’t make me nervous to hear this, only more interested. 

“Well, why don’t you tell me and we’ll see if he has.” Leaning back against the softness of the cushions, I settled in as Jenny began to speak. 

“There was a plane crash, _that_ did happen. All of it, the recovery in the hospital, his arse in the air for everyone to see while his back healed,” she laughed and then continued, “during that recovery though, he wasna awake for most of it, ye see, Claire… and I dinna mind sayin’ this cause yer a doctor. His flesh it — it’d been shredded, parts of it down to the bone.” 

“This is the part he probably didna tell ye.” My heart rate quickened then, anxiety creeping in. Was it a secret lover? Was I a mistress or did he have one? So many thoughts raced through my mind in the five seconds that Jenny paused before continuing. 

“Our father, his name was Brian, one day he looked at Jamie and I could see the pain in his eyes. His only son, practically torn from him.” She gritted her teeth, “He had a heart condition but we didna ken that until the autopsy. My Da took one look at Jamie lying there, helpless on the bed and collapsed. It didna even matter that we were in a hospital when it happened.” Jenny sniffed and I reached forward to hand her a tissue from the box on the coffee table. 

“Thank ye,” she took it and blew her nose, “The worst part was that Jamie didn’t fully wake up for another week and a half and by then we’d already had the funeral. We couldna wait for him to wake since we werena sure he ever would.” 

“Oh Jenny, I’m so sorry.” While she told me, I had begun to picture it all in my mind. Jamie lying there, oblivious to the happenings around him. 

“So when he finally did wake up, we were so happy as ye can imagine. Murtagh and I called the nurses and doctors right away. They checked him out and said that he would be okay but needed to remain on his stomach to heal properly. He asked about Da then,” Jenny looked down again at the loose string. “I ken he could see it in our faces before we even told him. He thought it was all his fault ye see, that if he hadna gotten hurt that Da would still be alive today.” 

“He really thought that?”

“Aye, a stubborn wee fool he is, my brother. After he healed, I tried to get him to come home, to Lallybroch but he wouldna have it. He went back to his apartment, this was back before he moved here to Edinburgh, and shut himself off from us. The damn fool thought it was better if he wasna there to remind everyone of what he’d done.”

My heart was breaking for Jamie. I knew why he wouldn’t have told me the specifics of his father’s death, because he blamed himself. I began to understand why Jamie was the way he was, strong, caring and maybe a bit over protective at times. He’d seen me at my absolute worst but chose to stay. He chose to love me when I only had the smallest amount to give him back. 

“That’s why I’m here, Claire. Ye see, I started working at the Distillery only four months ago.” _My diagnosis was four months ago._

“Jamie came to work one day and told Murtagh that he needed an extended amount of time off. It’s his own business so he can do what he likes of course but Murtagh couldna handle it all on his own. Ye ken of course Jamie has had to work a little here and there I’m sure. I knew yer name because I overheard him talking to Murtagh about ye when he popped in one day.” 

“After the accident and my father’s death, Jamie _did_ shut himself off.” Jenny took another tissue, “But after a year he reconnected with Murtagh but he didna talk to me save holidays.” 

I moved over on the couch to be closer to her and took her hand in mine. “I always thought I musta been a reminder of what he thought he’d done. When I overheard him say that the woman he’d been seeing, Claire,” she smiled at me, “was sick and he needed to take care of her — well it broke my heart. I’d always wanted to be there for Jamie when he finally gave his heart to another.”

“You still can be, Jenny.” I squeezed her hand, weakly but she returned it. 

“Now I see ye and ken it’s no’ the flu,” her hand reflexively pointed up to my head and it was then that I realised I had been talking to her this whole time without my head covered. Usually when Joe or Geillis had come over I would wrap my head up in a scarf, I didn’t need to constantly be reminded that I wasn’t me anymore. 

Before I could say anything the sound of keys jingled from outside the door. “That’ll be Jamie.” I released her hand and watched as the door opened and he stepped in, carrying three large bags of groceries. 

“I didna ken what ye wanted so I bought… well I bought everything, come and take a —“ 

“Hi bràthair.” Jenny stood and walked over to the kitchen. I stayed seated and watched all of this from my spot on the couch. 

“Jenny,” he sighed, “What are ye doin’ here?” His eyes shifted over to me and I just smiled. 

“I came to see ye, it’s been so long and I —“ 

“I dinna want to see ye Jenny so if ye dinna mind,” he crossed back to the open door, “please leave.” 

I thought Jenny would leave as she walked over to the door but she slammed it shut instead. Stubborn, just like her brother. 

“Jamie Fraser. Ye havena talked to me and I mean really talked to me in almost four years. I hear ye talkin’ to Murtagh about a woman yer seeing and all I ken is her name,” her hand pointed back to me, “and that she’s ill.” Jenny crossed her arms and Jamie looked fully enraged. “But I didna ken it was like this Jamie. Ye shoulda reached out, ye know I woulda helped. Been there for you and her.” 

Jamie was radiating with anger, his body shaking as he took hold of Jenny’s arm and started walking to the bedroom. Of course, we lived in a loft, a rather spacious loft but the bedroom didn’t exactly have walls to keep out unwanted noises. 

Sighing, I leaned further back into the chair and listened to Jamie and Jenny hash it out, what other choice did I have?

“I know ye blame yerself, Jamie. For Da.” 

“Ye dinna know what I blame myself for, Jenny.” He whisper-shouted back. 

“Aye, I do. After Da passed ye shut everyone out. Ye thought it better that way, thinking it was yer fault and ye were a reminder of Da’s passing.” 

“I was a — aye… I did shut myself out. But only cause I thought ye couldna bear to see my face. It’s cause of me, Jenny and you know it is!” 

“Jamie…” a pause. 

“He died and I wasna even there to say goodbye.” I wasn’t sure but it sounded like Jamie was crying. 

“Ah bràthair, yer face is no’ too good lookin’ but I could bear to see it. All this time I thought ye hated me.” 

“No, Jenny, I dinna hate ye. It was you who I thought hated me, for takin’ Da away from you.”

This heart to heart was gut wrenching to listen to. Jamie had blamed himself for so many years and distanced himself from the only sister he had. And Jenny had spent all this time thinking she was to blame. 

“Yer a fool, James Fraser and ye know it. Can we have this over and done wi’ now? I’d like to have ye back in my life and I’d really like to ken yer woman out there.” 

“Aye. As long as ye forgive me?”

“Of course bràthair.”

I turned my face forward as I heard their approaching footsteps. Jamie came up behind me and rested his hand on my shoulder. 

“ _Mo nighean donn_ , I need to feed ye.” 

“Yes sir, you do.” He laughed, a sight I hadn’t seen in awhile. Seeing the joy on his face stirred something in me that I feared had been lost. 

“Will you stay and eat with us, Jenny?” I asked, noticing her looking over towards the door. 

“Aye,” Jamie answered for her, “She will.” 

We spent the evening eating, drinking - water for me - and telling Jenny of how we met. Our embarrassing, on both ends, encounter in the men’s restroom. The first date we had and finally my diagnosis. It was nice to meet someone that was so much a part of Jamie. All throughout dinner he kept his hand on my thigh and I felt that thing stir in me again; hope.


	8. Year One - August 9th, 2014

That beginning flourish of hope crashed throughout the next week. While I had finished chemo and no longer needed treatment, I had one final CT scan and was waiting anxiously on the results. 

I began to doubt my own body. Fearing that I would truly never heal, never recover from this. I looked down at what were once my surgeon’s hands, used to fix tissue and bone, now frail and unused. 

Jamie sat beside me in Amelia’s office, his fingers drumming away on his thigh, a sign of his nerves. 

“It’ll be fine.” I said more to reassure myself than him.

Taking my hand, he looked at me, “Aye, it will, Sassenach.” 

Amelia walked in, holding x-rays of my brain. She placed them on the screen and lit it up. _Nothing. I saw nothing._

“There’s no -“

“No brain tumor?” She finished, smiling as she crossed her arms. “No, Claire. There’s no trace of a brain tumor.” 

“Taing Dhia!” Jamie shouted making us both jump. “Och sorry.” 

“But there’s still always a chance it could come back, isn’t there?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up just yet. 

“Claire…” Jamie squeezed my hand.

“Yes.” Amelia said bluntly, “Because your tumor was genetic and malignant as you know, there is still a chance. That’s why we will continue to do a head CT once a month for awhile to watch it.” 

“But she’s better? Claire is healed?” Jamie asked and the hope in his voice made my throat close up. 

“I’m giving you the all clear today, Beauchamp. I can see that you’re hair has already started to grow back.” I ran my hand over the top of my head, the thinnest layer of fuzz covering it. 

“You still need to take it easy though. Your body will take a long time to recover, I’m afraid. But the throwing up, the black outs, the temperature changes… those should stop with time.” Amelia smiled.

“What you need to do and you can help with this too, Jamie,” she said, “is to keep taking all your medication regularly. It’s very important. The Methotrexate is to help repair the DNA so that your cells can continue to be healthy and grow.” 

I looked over at Jamie and he was taking note of everything she said. Good thing he was paying attention. I knew the basic functions of all these medicines but had never actually administered them to anyone. That wasn’t my field. 

Amelia told us a few more precautions to take such as what vitamins I needed to really focus on getting back in my system. I knew healing would take time, months, years even. 

“Thank you, Amelia, for everything.” I stood to my feet, embracing her in a gentle hug. 

She squeezed me back lightly, “No worries, it was my pleasure to see you through this, Claire.” 

“Can Claire go back to work?” Jamie chimed in on our heartfelt moment. 

“Well yes but we don’t expect you back here until you’re ready.” She looked over at him, “She only just got the all clear, Jamie. Claire will need time before she’s even ready to think about picking up a scalpel again.” 

“I ken that, sorry, I didna mean to make it seem like I wanted Claire outta the house.” Jamie stood and wrapped one arm around my waist, “I just ken how important it is to ye, Sassenach.” 

I kissed him, something I hadn’t done in awhile actually. Too afraid to let myself feel for him. 

“It _is_ important to me, Jamie, thank you for asking.” I turned my head back to look at Amelia, “Well, thank you again. I suppose the next time we see you will be in a month and not in two weeks!” 

“That’s right! Not that I’m sick of seeing both of your faces around here but it will be nice not to see you.” She laughed at how that sounded and Jamie and I joined in. 

“Let’s get out of here, Sassenach.” Jamie gripped my waist and led us back to the car, back to our home.

++++++

Once we arrived home, I called Geillis, Joe and Jenny all separately to tell them the good news. They were overjoyed and all wanted to mark the occasion. I still felt it was too early to celebrate for fear of jinxing it. Just my luck and the brain tumor would start growing back tomorrow. 

Somehow though, everyone was available last minute. This would be the first time all of Jamie’s family and my friends would come together, to mark the beginning of my healing. 

“Something simple for me, I still can’t really taste much of anything.” I replied to Jamie’s question of what to cook tonight. With such a rushed gathering we needed to start preparing the loft for guests. I wasn’t much use, still too weak. The most I accomplished was to fold up the blanket that had been my saving grace and lay it on the side of the couch. 

“Ye sure this is okay, Sassenach? People comin’ over, I mean.” He left the pasta boiling on the stove and came over to me on the couch. 

“Yes. I think so.” I found it hard to make decisions these days, unable to choose what it was that I wanted. 

“If at any point tonight, ye dinna feel well, I’ll make everyone leave. Ye dinna need to put on a brave face, Sassenach. These people love ye.” His reassurance was comforting but hopefully I could make it through tonight without being ill. 

“Thank you,” I grabbed his hand, “truly. Jamie —“ the words swirled in my head, the gratitude I felt for him over these past few months. Where to even begin. My thoughts were interrupted as a knock came from the door. 

“Ah, that’ll be Jenny. She said she’ll come a wee bit early to help clean if we needed.” 

Jamie let Jenny in and embraced her. Over the past week they had begun to regrow their bond that had once been so strong. At least something good had come out of my tumor. 

“There’s the miracle lass,” Jenny crossed the room and hugged me on the couch, “Ye look good, Claire. And I’m no’ just sayin’ that, I mean it.”

“Who all is comin’ tonight?” She asked. 

“Murtagh, of course. Some of Claire’s friends, Geillis and Joe.” Jamie said from the kitchen, resuming his cooking, “Could Ian no’ make it tonight Jenny?”

“Who’s Ian?” I asked. 

“Oh, he’s my husband.” Jenny smiled. 

“Aye and my best mate.” Jamie chimed in, his fingers red with tomato juice. 

“Aye, that too.” She rolled her eyes, “I canna believe I never told ye that, Claire. Well… there were more important things goin’ on of course.” She took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. 

“I’d love to meet him someday.” Now that it was possible for me to have a someday, I genuinely meant it. I hadn’t allowed myself to think to far ahead into the future. But with a clear diagnosis, I could begin to dream again. 

++++++

Jamie prepared a delicious, yet simple dish of pasta that everyone enjoyed. The night was filled with toasts of thank you’s and congratulations. The smell of alcohol still twisted my stomach so I partook in the festivities with my normal vitamin smoothie, a rather vile green colour but not too bad in taste. 

“I don’t want to get my hopes up, of course, it could grow back.” I said as the night was winding down. Joe had just congratulated me for the third time. 

“That’s just it, Lady J, it could. But why focus on that when you could celebrate the fact that you made it through this. You’re alive LJ.” His words went through one ear and out the other. I was alive but it didn’t mean that I particularly felt it just yet. 

I knew Jamie could tell I was beginning to grow weary, my stamina was about half that of a normal healthy persons. 

“Well, I think Claire needs to get some rest.” Jamie said and stood from the table, collecting dishes and glasses. Everyone finished off the last bites and sips and helped clean. 

“Claire, when do ye think ye’ll be able to have Adso come live wi’ ye? No’ that I don’t mind the cheetie but I ken ye miss him.” Geillis smiled and slid her arms into her jacket. 

“Probably soon. I miss him so much. Thank you again for taking care of him, it means so much to me to know that he was well treated.” 

“Aye, anythin’ for you.” She kissed my cheek and said her goodbyes. 

Murtagh hugged me gently, promising to only make Jamie come back to work two days a week now that I was feeling better. 

Joe left with Jenny, striking up a conversation about different medical terms and procedures. 

The door closed on our guests and the room was filled with silence. 

“That wasna too bad.” 

“No, it was nice actually.” I laid down on the couch and left room for Jamie to join beside me. “I’ve really missed them. Not that you’re not good company but you know…” I grinned as he settled in next to me, his arm gently coming to wrap around my waist as my back pressed against his chest. 

“They’re yer friends. Of course ye miss them. And ye’ll see a lot more of them now yer better.” He kissed my neck, just under my hairline. 

“And Adso can come home,” I smiled, thinking of curling up in bed with him. 

“Mmmm, the wee cheetie.” Jamie kissed my shoulder and his hand slid over my hip. Surely he wouldn’t try and sleep with me the moment I got the all clear? My body could barely handle standing up in the shower for a long period of time, let alone sex. 

Jamie’s mouth pressed against the top of my spine and chills went over my body. I wanted him but I couldn’t. It was too soon. Too soon to give myself over in that way. Not that I wasn’t ready emotionally, we knew everything about each other. We knew what the other was feeling and when. It’s not like I thought once we had sex he would leave me but when we did do it… I wanted to feel beautiful. 

As he continued to place kisses along my neck, I felt the proof of his arousal press against my bum. _No._

“Jamie,” I tried to squirm out of his grasp but he was stronger than me, “Jamie, you can’t be serious.” 

He lips stopped and I turned my head back to look at him, “What, what did I do, Sassenach?”

“You know what you did, what you’re doing!” I pulled away from him and moved to the end of the couch. “Jamie, I can’t. I’m not ready to have sex yet. And with you, your —“ I pointed down in between his legs and a deep red climbed up his chest. 

“I’m sorry, I dinna mean that.” He stumbled, “I mean, aye, maybe I did but I ken yer no’ ready.” 

I stood from the couch and walked over to the bathroom. 

“Where are ye goin’, Sassenach? Ye canna be mad at me for something my cock did.” 

I laughed and paused in the doorway, the only actual room with a door in the whole loft. “Jamie, I can’t. And I mean physically can’t do what you want to. I just…” I let out a sigh, “I’m going to use the restroom and maybe when I come back out you won’t be so… I don’t know — excited.” I waved my hands and shut the door, locking it behind me. 

Was I being ridiculous? It’s not like he could exactly control himself, tell himself to not get turned on. It should be flattering that he still found me attractive after all of this, the weight and hair I’d lost in the process. 

_But still._

Perhaps it was my guilty conscious that made me so angry. I had barely shown him any real affection since I became ill, our last true sexual encounter had been when he touched me in the bath before my surgery. That was months ago…

I wasn’t sure exactly how long I planned on staying in the bathroom, now feeling embarrassed for trying to hide. Looking in the mirror, I took stock of my reflection. All the bruises, the too red cheeks. I began to wonder what Jamie was doing out there when I heard him turn on the stereo. _Typical… isn’t even bothered._

When the first line came, the song “Yellow” by Coldplay, it wasn’t Chris Martin’s voice. It was Jamie’s. 

_“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. Yeah they were all yellow.”_

I pressed my ear up to the door and listened closer, he was playing the piano too! I had noticed it sitting in the corner of the room this entire time but had never seen him play it. Obviously it wasn’t just a prop but Jamie never mentioned he could play.

As he continued to sing, I opened the door and walked quietly out into the living room. He didn’t seem to notice me but surely… he was playing this song for me. 

_“Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful, you know, you know I love you so. You know I love you so.”_

Those words had me sitting down beside him at the piano, his eyes focused on his hands touching the black and white keys. 

_“I swam across, I jumped across for you, oh what a thing to do, cause you were all yellow.”_

He played beautifully and I wondered then how he had learned. It fit really, his large hands were able to easily stretch and reach two octaves. 

He sang the line again, the line that crushed me and the tears I had been holding in for months finally came free. 

_“Your skin, oh yeah you’re skin and bone. Turn into something beautiful and you know…”_ he turned and met my gaze, tears of his own on his cheeks, _“for you I’d bleed myself dry, for you I’d bleed myself dry.”_

The last note rang into the room but neither of us moved. We looked into each other’s eyes and I knew it was me who needed to make the first move. Slowly, I moved my hand to cover his on the piano. That was all it took and he was kissing me. 

“I’m sorry, Claire.” His tears mixed with my own, “I shouldn’t have lain beside ye like that.” He pulled back, his hands cupping my cheeks, “Whenever I touch ye, Christ, I want ye.” 

“But surely you don’t want me… as I am now? Weak, broken, ugly.” 

He wiped the moisture from my face with the pad of his thumb, “Yer no’ ugly, Claire. Yer strong and brave. Ye’ve been through so much and I’m just so thankful that ye let me walk through this wi’ ye.”

“Oh Jamie, I — I couldn’t have done this without you. In fact… I probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you and your pestering to get my head looked at. It’s me who should be thanking you.” I turned my body so that my legs hung on either side of the piano bench to be closer to him. 

“And Jamie, I’m sorry.” He started to speak but I placed my finger on his lips, “I should never have gotten mad at you for something you honestly can’t control. It was silly of me really. I should be flattered.” Blushing I placed a hand on his chest and kissed him. 

“Thank ye, Sassenach.” 

“Also, I’m sorry I’ve neglected you. Physically I mean.” It was his turn to blush, “One day and hopefully soon I can repay you for what you did for me in the bath that day. It will still be awhile, Jamie before I’m ready to have sex but soon… I want to touch you like you touched me.” As I said this I leaned against him and buried my face into his neck, embarrassed by my own words. 

“Ye dinna have to, Sassenach. I can wait. I will wait.” His large hand cupped the back of my head and I longed for the days when he would touch me and push back a stray curl of my hair. 

“You’ve done so much for me, Jamie. _So_ much. Don’t try to be the better man and refuse a hand job okay.” I laughed and lifted my head to look back at him. 

“Oh.” He bit his lip, “Well, I accept then.” 

“Good.” I kissed him. 

“When exactly will that be happenin’? Just so I can plan what day to wear my kilt, make it easier for ye.” I swatted at his chest and stood from the bench. 

“Not today, Fraser. Not today.” He pouted by the piano and I held out my hand for him to take. 

“But you can still hold me while we sleep, oh and please tell me where you learned to play the piano and why you haven’t sooner?” Jamie kissed me and then his arms were under my back and legs, carrying me the rest of the way to the bed. 


	9. Year One - October 18th, 2014

My strength was returning. Day by day I felt myself knitting back together, becoming whole once again. One of the things that had really helped me was a support group for people who had survived or were going through cancer. 

Damocles Syndrome. The name given to the feeling of fear that the cancer or illness will return, an ever present sword, dangling above your head. To survive was one thing but to continue to live… that was something else entirely. 

During my weakest moments, I begged for death to take me. The white light as they say. I wished for no more pain, no more feeling. Most of all I wished to rid Jamie of the burden that was me. 

That’s why when I voiced these thoughts to him late one night, he suggested going to a support group.

“There’s only so much I can say, Sassenach, only so many times I can tell ye I love ye and yer beautiful.” His hand traced a pattern back and forth over my arm. “And I will tell ye everyday but ye need to be around people who can understand… really understand what’s goin’ on inside that wee head of yer’s.” 

“You’re right.” I sighed, “The hospital has a few different groups, I suppose I can call Joe and ask him to sign me up for one. If it will make you feel better…” I moved closer to him in the bed, no longer shrinking back from his touch but craving it. 

“Aye, Sassenach. It will make me feel better to know that while ye heal physically…” he kissed the top of my head, his lips pressed against the short hair, “yer mind heals as well.”

“I’m not promising any results, Jamie, only that I’ll go and check it out.” 

“I ken that. But I’m praying to God himself that ye’ll finally start to see yerself as I do.” He looked at me as if I was his whole world, his hand now cupping my check as we lay together. 

“And how do you see me?” I couldn’t help but ask, what girl wouldn’t?

Jamie sighed, a smile curving across his lips, “I dinna have enough time in the world to tell ye everything but I’ll say a few.” He pulled me into him, his hand covering the back of my head as I rested it into the crook of his neck. 

“First of all, yer a damn fucking _warrior_.” He laughed, shaking my body with his, “Ye barely even complained, Sassenach. I saw ye hurtin’ but ye never made a fuss. Weel… ye maybe complained about the food but aye, who wouldn’t.” 

I felt safe against him as he wrapped his body over mine. Jamie was my outer shell, protecting me from what I couldn’t protect myself from. Willing himself to save me, to save us. 

“Yer also a good surgeon, even tho ye havena touched a blade in a long time, I know ye wield it with power, a healer’s touch.” 

“You barely even knew me while I was still operating on actual patients,” I thought back to the day he told me he loved me, the same day I learned about my tumor. That was barely two months into our relationship.

Now it’d been nine months since the day I found him in the shower. The scars I had seen on his back I now felt under my fingers, slowly tracing the outline of a particularly deep cut. Jamie’s scars were external while mine were internal. Together we were a mess… but a beautiful mess. 

That night I had fallen asleep with Jamie’s body close to mine, his mouth confessing my bravery and kindness. During the night I woke to hear him whispering something in Gaelic but every few words I understood a word in English. I heard “dove”, “preserve”, “harm” and “beloved” and drifted back to sleep, the word’s of my protector covering me. 

++++++

The air was changing, turning from the heat of summer into the crisp chill of autumn. I’d taken to sitting out on our balcony in the evenings. The fresh air filling my lungs as the breeze calmed my soul. 

My feet were propped up on the railing, a cup of ginger lemon tea in my hands, warming the chill that never seemed to leave my body.

“Bonny day, isn’t it?”

“Mmm, yes.” Jamie walked out, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other he placed on my shoulder. 

“Would be even more bonny if we were somewhere tucked away in the Highlands, do ye think?”

On our first date, Jamie promised to take me to the Highlands after my confession that I’d never been. As a doctor, my time was spent with patients; before Jamie, I had no reason to travel outside of Edinburgh. 

“Are you asking me?”

Jamie walked to stand in front of me, his hand settling on my propped up ankle, “Will ye, then? Go to the highlands wi’ me? Dance under the stars? ’Tis yer birthday in two days is it no’?”

“Yes, it is my birthday,” I smiled, “And I’d like that very much, please.” Jamie dipped his head to kiss me, “Aye, dinna worry about packin’ yer bag,” his face hovered close to mine, “I’ve already seen to it.” 

++++++

We were six hours into our journey to the Isle of Skye. Jamie had booked a small cottage in the highlands, remote from the rest of the world. One week, one peaceful week to get away from all the sickness and hurt that was always lurking. A change of scenery to boost my spirits. 

We should’ve been there by now but Jamie insisted on stopping in Fort William to check out Old Inverlochy Castle. I had to admit the Highlands had a certain… magical element about them. The heather moorlands were strikingly beautiful, the purple jumping out as we drove past. 

My eyes had been staring at the inside of our loft and the hospital for months. To finally venture out was just what I needed. I also knew this would be good for Jamie, he wasn’t a homebody but he became one for me. 

“You packed the board games right?” I tried to look back into the boot of the car. 

“Aye, dinna fash, Sassenach. I’ll no’ make ye sit around, I’ll keep ye entertained.” His hand slid over my knee, smoothing over the small rip in my jeans.

Twenty minutes later we reached our destination. Set against the greenery of the Highlands, the small white cottage looked idyllic. 

The next few hours we spent on the couch, watching the last two Harry Potter films. One day I hoped that we could actually visit the theme park in Florida. 

“Do you think next year, when I’ve been officially tumor free for one year, we could go and visit Harry Potter World?” I voiced my desires to Jamie, his body under mine, breathing steadily. 

“Aye, that’d be incredible actually.” He perked up, “We could get robes! And ride the train, the chocolate frogs, Sassenach! Just think about the chocolate frogs.” Jamie smiled, his hands resting on the small of my back. 

“And wands too.” I placed a kiss on his lips and it deepened, the movie forgotten for the time being. I could feel another “wand” directly below me that I wanted to have. 

I shifted my body slightly so I sat up on Jamie’s lap. He watched me as I brought my hands to the waistband of his sweats. No words were spoken, they didn’t need to be. This was my turn to show him how much I loved him. 

Jamie’s breath grew shallow, his eyes turning a dark blue as I pulled down the material over his hips along with his briefs. 

Since that day in the gym bathroom, I hadn’t seen his cock. We had never dressed or showered together, avoiding temptation as best we could. Jamie was a saint, if I was being honest with myself. What grown man sleeps next to a woman each night and doesn’t at least try and sleep with her? And I was even surprised at myself, back in the day I had been quite provocative; I blamed the medication for my lack of sexual drive. 

I knew the time was coming though, when I would be ready. My pain grew less and less each day. 

I took him in my hand and met his gaze. 

He was warm in my grip, a throbbing against the palm of my hand. I started to stroke him, and the pad of my thumb pressed against the tip of his cock. Jamie’s eyes were small slits, I knew he wouldn’t close them completely — just so he could watch me. 

His hands came to hold my waist, “Sassenach,” he sighed and I moved my hand faster, sliding my other hand in-between his thighs to grip his balls. Jamie arched his back off the couch then fell against the cushions, his breathing becoming more rapid, “Christ, yer wee hands.” 

“Does this feel good, Jamie?” I added more pressure from my hand and he squeezed his lips together, unable to speak. I was feeling quite mischievous, so I reluctantly released him and bent my head over his stomach to take him in my mouth.

Jamie’s hand pressed against my shoulder, “No, Sassenach, ye dinna have to.” 

“I want to Jamie.” I smiled and my tongue flicked out over his warm skin, the wiry hairs under his belly button scratching my cheek. Jamie groaned as I swirled my tongue on his cock. It didn’t take long before he was groaning and arching his back as he came in my mouth. 

His hand was almost too tight on my arm and then suddenly he pulled me up to meet his lips. 

Jamie’s grip loosened and he rolled us over so we now lay on our sides. With one hand he tucked himself back into his sweatpants, “Dinna need that hangin’ out or I’m afraid I willna be able to stop myself from takin’ ye _mo nighean donn_.”

“Soon, I promise.” I whispered against him, our foreheads now pressed together. 

“Aye.” He kissed my nose, “Thank ye, Claire. For that.” Jamie’s cheeks went a deep shade of pink, his ears following suit. 

++++++

After the movie, we cleaned up and started preparing dinner. Jamie had prepared two grilled cheeses, cheddar, gruyere, and feta with tomato soup on the side. My appetite had grown exponentially so I asked for another and ate it swiftly. 

Laying on a blanket outside, hands intertwined, the sky shined above us, the stars twinkling their best for us tonight. Jamie’s thumb rubbed back and forth over my finger, sending a swarm of butterflies to my belly. For months now I hadn’t felt much of anything, least of all butterflies. 

Just then, he rolled onto one side and sat up, with his head resting on his hand, “Sassenach, I just want to say a small thing and then I’d like to ask ye to dance.” 

I reached up to brush back a stray curl that had fallen in his eyes, “What is it, love?”

“I willna stop lovin’ ye.” His fingers traced along my lips, “No’ in this life or the next, ye are my ev’ry thought,” his fingers brushed my neck and down softly against my collarbones, “my ev’ry heartbeat belongs to you.” Like a marble statue, I lay still as Jamie’s hand continued to trace down my arm and settle to hold my hand.

“Yer face is my _heart_ Sassenach and the love of ye is my _soul_.” 

Closing the space between us, I rolled to my side to kiss him. Jamie knew all the right words to say. I often felt I couldn’t express my feelings properly, at least not in the way that he did. 

“I love you, Jamie. Even when I don’t say it as often as I should… just know I’ll never stop loving you either.” 

Jamie moved his hand to cover my head which was now adorned with a beanie, the fluffy kind. “I think yer short hair is growin’ on me, Sassenach. Maybe I should join ye and shave off my own hair?”

I opened my eyes wide, “Don’t you dare shave off that beautiful red hair, Jamie Fraser!” I laughed, my hand now touching said hair, “I can pull off this look but you cannot, dear.” 

“Och, yer sayin’ ye only love me for my hair then?” He laughed, scooping me up to lay on top of him. 

“Aye, Jamie ’tis what I’m sayin’” I mocked his accent which made him laugh and my body move with his. 

“Ahh, Sassenach. One of these days I’ll teach ye a proper Scottish accent, yers is terrible.” He kissed me then, thoroughly. 

“I promised ye a dance under the stars, _mo cridhe_ and a dance ye shall have.” Jamie rolled us to the side and stood, offering his arms out for me to take. There was music already playing from a small portable stereo Jamie had brought outside. 

As he wrapped his arms around my waist, I tucked my head against his chest and the music filled the air. 

_“And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely, that’s alright, honey, that’s alright with me. Oh you laugh like there’s hope in the story.”_

Jamie’s hands rested on my waist, holding me closely to him. The words of the song echoed through my bones. Reminding me to live and to laugh while I still could. 

_“Oh, you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always, always here, I’m aways, honey, always here.”_

His t-shirt was thin and I felt his rough scars against the pads of my fingertips. The pain that he had been through, the hurt, hanging in the balance of life and death. Jamie had come out on the other side, torn and bruised — but whole. As Jamie swayed us in slow circles, the stars bright above us, I knew I would make it out of this. 

++++++

On my birthday, Jamie woke me up with a chocolate cake in bed, softly singing ‘Happy Birthday’. I rolled over onto my back and stared up at him, he was beaming and his smile was so wide it was infectious. I found myself filled with a happiness I hadn’t known for so many months. 

“Blow out yer wee candles, Sassenach.” He held the cake out and I inhaled deeply before blowing out the 2 and 8 candles on top. 

Jamie set the cake on the side, “What did ye wish for _mo nighean donn_?” 

I pulled him closer and kissed him, “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.” 

“That’s no’ fair…” he kissed my nose, “Weel — is it somethin’ I can do for ye?”

“Like what?” I laughed and then froze as he shimmed down the bed and pulled back the covers. His hands grabbed hold of my ankles. “Jamie,” I said nearly breathless. 

“Happy Birthday, Sassenach.” Jamie smiled as he spread me open and placed his mouth firmly between my legs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I skipped September because I felt like it!


	10. Year One - November 15th, 2014

Since the brain tumor and chemotherapy, my immune system wasn’t what it used to be. Which is why I was now laying in bed with a damp cloth covering my eyes, the fan on high and Jamie sniffling in bed next to me. 

He woke this morning complaining of a headache and a runny nose. I knew to stay away from people who were ill as it would cause me to get sick but Jamie slept in my bed so there wasn’t any getting away from him. 

While Jamie was running a low grade fever with a tissue box next to him, I was sweating bullets, body shaking from cold sweats and a bucket beside me to vomit in. It wasn’t a pleasant sight to see, the both of us. I wasn’t sick enough to go to the hospital however so it seemed I was confined to the bed for the time being. 

“Jamie, for the love of God, please turn that down.” I begged for the second time. We’d turned on ‘The Office’ and had made it up to Season 3. But If I heard Michael Scott say “That’s what she said”, one more time…

The volume lessened and Jamie placed his hand on the side of my neck, “Still hot, Sassenach.”

“Why thank you, you’re not too bad yourself, Fraser.” I laughed, lifting up one side of the damp cloth. He grinned and replaced his hand with a piece of ice from the cup beside the bed. I gasped as the ice melted against my skin, it was the only thing that really helped keep my body temperature down. 

Having a hot Scot lay next to you in bed didn’t help matters much. Jamie radiated heat, even when he wasn’t poorly. 

The only good thing about lying in bed all day was the fact that Adso had come home just the week before. Geillis brought him over, along with his toys and he walked slowly into the loft at first but shot through to the bedroom and found the bed. That’s where he’d taken up residency since the moment he arrived, not that I minded. 

Adso purred next to me as Jamie stroked his small grey belly. Having him here made me wish that he could’ve been with me all this time, keeping me company but I knew it would’ve been too difficult to take care of an animal when I could barely take care of myself. 

“Is everyone happy that you’ve returned to work on a semi-regular schedule?” I asked, my throat still hoarse. 

“Aye, Murtagh is happy to no’ have to make all the phone calls anymore and the rest of my team is happy because Murtagh is happy.” He chuckled, the vibrations shaking the bed. “’Tis nice to go back to work, more often I mean.” I felt his gaze on me, “No’ that I dinna mind spendin’ all my time wi’ ye.” 

Jamie moved his hand to tap a gentle rhythm over my wrist, something he always did when we laid next to each other. 

“I know you’re glad to get back to normalcy, I’ll be glad to start work again at the hospital,” I sighed, “But that won’t be for some time.” I moved the cloth back and stared at my hand, I could still see the slight tremor that hadn’t been there before the tumor. Funny how after you are “healed, the side effects often stay with you for longer than you were even sick. 

Grabbing my shaking hand, Jamie pulled it to his burning lips, “One day, _mo graidh_ , ye shall pick up a scalpel again. And all of this… will be a dream.” 

“More like a nightmare, love.” I saw his eyes flash with an emotion I at first couldn’t recognize, then I realized it was insecurity… hurt. 

“The sickness was a nightmare, Jamie. You,” I touched his cheek with the tips of my fingers, “ _are the dream_. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve imagined you up to cope with the pain. A figment of my bloody imagination.” 

“Aye, I often feel the same, Claire. Yer too good to be true.” 

++++++

After dozing on and off throughout the rest of Season 3 and into Season 4 of ‘The Office’, Jamie got out of bed to grab a packet of crackers, the only food we both could keep down. 

Adso didn’t appreciate the loud crunching sounds as crumbs fell onto the duvet so he meowed and retreated under the bed. 

“Do ye miss yer parents, Sassenach?” Jamie asked and then spoke before I could, “Of course ye do, silly question.”

I looked up at him, my palm against his heart, “I do miss them, Jamie. All the time.” There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about my parents. I often thought about my mother when I had gone through chemo, drawing on her strength, willing for it to transfer to me. 

“I was actually supposed to go with them, to Paris. But I wasn’t able to get the time off from the hospital so they left without me.” 

“Yer parents went to Paris, Sassenach? The plane crashed on the way there?”

“No, coming back from Paris actually, why?”

Jamie shifted in the bed, “Do ye by chance remember their flight number?”

“I’ll never forget it. It was Air France flight 1743.” Jamie drew in a sharp breath, his body was shaking against me. “Jamie, what is it, you’re scaring me!”

He sat up in the bed quickly, a glossy look in his eyes. “Claire…” he looked over at me, his eyebrows pressed together, “that was the same flight I was on. From Paris to Edinburgh.” 

“What day, Jamie? What day was the crash?” My heart was pounding, it couldn’t be. Of all the flights, of all the plane crashes. The next words out of Jamie’s mouth shook me to the core. 

“April 16th, 2008.” He said flatly, his hand grabbing mine. 

“That’s the day they died. That’s the day my mother and father died, Jamie.” I was frozen, paralyzed… nothing made sense. “I was supposed to be on that plane, I probably would’ve died along with them!”

Jamie pulled me onto his lap, “But ye didna and I feel selfish for sayin’ so but I’d like to thank God saved ye from gettin’ on that plane so I could have ye here wi’ me now.”

“God might’ve saved me then but he couldn’t save my parents. You barely made it out alive yourself. All this time…” Tears rolled down my cheeks. The thought of my parents sitting in the row ahead of Jamie was too much to bear. The idea that Jamie could’ve helped lift my mother’s bag to the overhead bin and she could have thanked him was too much. Perhaps they struck up a conversation about bad airplane food. Maybe my father even told Jamie about his daughter he was so proud of for getting into medical school in Edinburgh. 

Jamie barely remembered the crash, there was no way of knowing. 

“I ken yer probably thinking why them, Sassenach and why me? Why did I live and they couldna?” He held me, his voice distant. 

“Jamie — I don’t blame you… _for living_.” I grabbed his face in my hand, gripping his cheeks with thumb and forefinger, “It was a horrible accident. Some part of me would like to think that you met my parents on that flight, maybe helped with their bags or just friendly conversation.” 

Jamie pulled his arms tighter around me, a tear of his own now falling slowly, “It’s nice, to think that the two most important people in my life would have met the most important man in my life.” Making sure he was listening to me I kissed his lips and pulled back, his ocean blue eyes meeting my amber ones, “They left me that day Jamie but they also sent you to me. I believe that with all of my heart.” 

“Claire — I wish I could remember.” He leaned his head against mine and sobbed. He cried for what was lost, the people he might or might not have met. The coincidences of life are often not coincidences but fate, one way or another fate has a way of bringing us to the people we need. 

++++++

The revelation of Jamie’s and my parents connection was all I could think about. That was until a knock came from our front door and I heard it being opened with a set of spare keys. 

_Was it Jenny or Murtagh?_

“Hello, it’s us! We brought some soup for the sickly.” Jenny called out and I heard the door shut behind her. I looked over at Jamie, with a stare that could kill any man. 

“Did you tell your sister she could come over? I look dreadful, Jamie.” I covered my face with the cloth fully to avoid anyone seeing my puffy sick face. 

“I might have told her we were both sick but I swear I didna think she would rush over,” Jamie shifted in bed so I slid off his lap and tried to clean up all the tissues on the bed. 

“And we brought ye both a wee surprise!” Murtagh shouted.

I hit my hand against Jamie’s thigh, “Sorry Sassenach, truly.” 

I heard both Jenny and Murtagh’s footsteps get closer and then I felt something warm and rather wet licking my fingers that were dangling off the bed. 

“Adso, why are you licking my hand,” I sighed and pulled off the wet cloth. I jumped back against the headboard, my now slobbery hand pressed to my fast beating heart. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!”

A small, very furry, multi-colored Australian Shepherd jumped onto the bed, courtesy of Murtagh who had been holding him near my hand. 

“Please tell me this is _your_ new dog, Murtagh…” Jamie glared at his godfather. 

Murtagh scoffed and crossed his arms, “Och, no. ’Tis a gift for the both of ye, to cheer ye up!” He smiled and I could count that as one of the few times I had ever seen Murtagh Fraser smile. 

“What on earth possessed you to gift us a dog? You could have brought some flowers or soup like Jenny!” I tried to be mad at this unwelcome gift but the little puppy was rolling around the bed as cute as anything I’d ever seen in my life. 

Jenny walked in carrying a tray with two bowls of delicious smelling soup, smirking at the sight in front of her. Jamie was now cuddling the puppy, blowing air into it’s face. 

“I tried to tell him that a dog wasna a suitable gift for people that were lying ill in bed but he wouldna listen… _obviously_.” Jenny smiled and set down the tray beside the bed. She gave a little pat to the dog and it barked — well, it yipped. 

“If ye dinna want to keep her, I’ll just take her back to the shelter.” Murtagh started to reach for the dog but Jamie pulled his arms back, shielding her from Murtagh’s grasp. 

“Ye’ll do no such thing!” Jamie placed a soft kiss to the dog’s fuzzy head. Then he turned to look at me, “Can we keep her, Sassenach? I ken yer still recovering and we only just got the wee cheetie back wi’ us but…” he smiled down at the dog whose tongue was hanging out of its tiny mouth and then they both stared up at me. 

Could we really take on a dog? While I was no longer receiving chemotherapy treatments, I was still not back to my full health. I had talked with some of the people in my support group about pets which is why I had decided it was time for Adso to come home. Many of them said their pets were a huge help to their mental health. 

I reached my hand out and rubbed the small dog’s head, “I suppose… adding a new member to the family wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. So yes,” I smiled and saw Jamie’s face light up, “We can keep her.” 

Murtagh cheered — actually a loud whooping sound — and clapped his hands together. “I knew ’twas a good idea after all.” He said proudly. 

“We’ll see just how good of an idea it is in a month,” the puppy made her way over to me and pawed at my lap and I pulled her up. “We need to give you a name then, hmmm.” 

“Clarence?” Jamie suggested and I frowned at that one. 

“No. That’s not a name for a girl puppy, Jamie. What about Annie?” I laughed and ran my fingers through Jamie’s ginger hair. 

“Are ye laughin’ at me and my ginger hair?” He grinned. 

“I most certainly am!” Jenny and Murtagh joined in the laughter and took seats at the end of our bed. 

“Annie Fraser,” Jamie scratched Annie’s head and she started licking his fingers. “The name suits ye.” 

Just like that, our small family of three became a family of four. 


	11. Year One - December 24th, 2014

For the holidays, Jamie and I decided to spend it at his childhood home, Lallybroch. It was almost overwhelming, the sense that this was as much a homecoming for me as it was for Jamie. 

“It’s so nice to finally meet ye, Claire.” Ian, Jenny’s husband, embraced me as we arrived. The house was as charming on the inside as it was on the outside. Built in the 18th century, it rivaled any home I’d ever lived in. 

“It’s lovely to meet you Ian, Jenny has told me many things.” Winking at Jenny, she laughed and I slid my hand into Jamie’s. 

“We’ll just get settled in, Jenny. Then we’ll be down in time for dinner.” Jamie picked up our bags and led the way to our room. Pictures adorned the walls, small children sitting on parents laps. One picture I instantly recognized as Jamie, a young red headed boy with that same mischievous glint in his eye. 

This house was filled with stories of love, of family; if walls could talk…

“This will be our room, Sassenach.” He sighed, taking a look around at the blue walls, “The Laird’s room.” Jamie wiggled his eyebrows and laughed. 

“’Tis a verra nice room.” I mimicked him. 

Jamie dropped the bags and closed the space between us, his arms wrapping around my waist. “Ye look so good, Claire. Truly,” his lips met mine, melting against my still cold skin, “ye’re glowing.” 

“Perhaps it’s because I’m so happy, Jamie.” Running my hands through his hair, I brought his face down to mine once more, my mouth lingering on his, unable to let go. 

We were interrupted as two tiny hands pressed against our legs making us break apart. “Who’s there?” Jamie playfully asked, pretending not to notice his nephew, young Ian. 

“’Tis me, Uncle Jamie!” Ian laughed. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie grinned, “I dinna see anyone here besides ye.” 

“I don’t either, especially not a young blonde haired boy.” More snickers came from beside us and then suddenly Jamie released me and picked up young Ian and threw him over his shoulder. 

“Uncle Jamie, put me down!” He laughed, his legs kicking out in the air and I followed behind at a safe distance down to join the family for dinner. 

++++++

The table was set with a feast of traditional Scottish foods, haggis ( _of course_ ), roast turkey with potatoes, vegetables grown fresh from the Murray’s garden and a delicious Scotch trifle for dessert. 

Once everyone was finished with their dessert, young Ian whispered something in Jamie’s ear. 

“Ah, the lad wants to know when the first gift will be given?” Jamie looked over at both Jenny and Ian. Apparently it was a tradition in the Fraser/Murray household that on Christmas eve, all the children would pick one present to open early.

Jenny finished off the last of her wine and sighed, licking her lips. “We dinna need to do that, surely? There’s no bairns here.” 

Cries of complaint and absolute hysteria erupted from around the table as all four, of Jenny and Ian’s children begged their parents to open a gift. 

“Och, fine!” Ian laughed, settling the matter at once. All the children squealed but before they could run off to the massive Christmas tree in the living room, Jenny made them clean up their plates. Well behaved little things, who wouldn’t be, with a mother like Jenny?

The adults finished carrying the bigger plates and bowls to the kitchen and set them aside for the time being. Children didn’t have a high tolerance for waiting so we thought it best to join them around the tree before they threw caution to the wind and opened every single box. 

Young Jamie, being the eldest, chose and opened his present first, a leather bound journal that was a gift from Jamie and I. Next was Maggie, the box she chose to open contained a ball of yarn and knitting needles. “Ah, Mam… knitting?” She rolled her eyes but hid a smile creeping on the corner of her lips. 

The two youngest, Janet and Ian, opened theres at the same time. Both had somehow chosen the boxes which contained a pair of socks. “Socks?” Young Ian held up the pair of red wool socks, looking back and forth at his parents. 

“Aye, everyone gets socks at Christmas, Ian. ’Tis a shame ye picked that one to open tonight but nah bother,” Jenny smiled and put her arms out for young Ian to crawl into, “tomorrow is Christmas, ye will get better things than socks… I promise.” 

Watching Jamie’s family made me realize how much I missed my own. As small as it was, my parents and I, it was all I had known. Every Christmas we would watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and drink hot chocolate by the fire. Since their death… no Christmas had been the same — not until now. 

The children were ushered up the stairs to their respective rooms. Giggles and squeals of delight could be heard behind closed doors as each Murray child anxiously awaited the next day. 

Jamie and I shared a late night dram with Jenny and Ian before retiring to our room, knowing that we wouldn’t get much sleep with four eager children in the house. The door to our room closed, I stood near the fireplace, already lit by the Murray’s housekeeper, Mrs. Crook. 

“I love it here,” I sighed as Jamie’s arms came from behind to wrap around my waist. 

“I love you here,” he placed a kiss on the side of my neck. 

My fingers moved up and down his arm, feeling the soft hairs against the pad of my skin. “Jamie…” 

“Aye, Sassenach?” He hummed, his body sending electric currents through me. 

“I have a gift for you.” Heart racing, I turned in his arms to look up at him, “I finally feel strong enough.” I wasn’t sure if he would catch on to my meaning but his arms wrapped tighter around me, his mouth pressing to mine. 

“Ye dinna have to if yer no’ ready, Claire.” He whispered against my cheeks, a kiss on both. 

I kissed him gently, my hands traveling to the hem of his shirt. “I’m ready, Jamie. I want you…” Pulling up the material, his shirt came off easily and I tossed it aside, “I need you.” His hands were on my blouse in seconds, almost tearing at the buttons. 

“Slow down,” I laughed and I saw the tips of his ears turn pink. 

“Sorry, Sassenach. Ye ken how long I’ve waited,” he pulled off my shirt, the sleeves catching on my wrists but with a gentle tug it fell to the floor, “ye’re worth waiting for, Claire. I’d wait a hundred years… nay, a thousand years to be wi’ ye.” Jamie took a step back, his eyes trailing down my body. Standing in the middle of the room, with a head scarf still tightly wrapped on my head, he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

There was an understanding between us, the first time would be gentle, a time to appreciate one another in a way we had been longing for. My eyes never leaving his, I found the button of my jeans and slowly pulled them down over my legs. If he looked closely, Jamie would see that I was trembling. Not from fear but from an insecurity that he wouldn’t like what he saw before him. 

“Christ,” he licked his lips, “Yer the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Claire.” 

Blushing, I brought my hands to cover myself, to shield my body that no longer looked as it once did. 

Jamie closed the space between us, his hands finding my wrists and placing them by my side, “No, Sassenach. Dinna cover yerself, I want to look at ye.” As he said this, his hands slid behind my body and unhooked my bra. I hadn’t been wearing one for the last couple of months but since we were coming to meet his family, I thought it best to look somewhat presentable. 

The only remaining article of clothing that remained on my body, Jamie was already working on removing. His hands softly caressed my sides, down over the curve of my hips and hooked into the top of my panties. My breath hitched as he slid them down my legs, my body now completely vulnerable. 

“Fair’s fair.” I smiled, “You take off yours as well.” 

Jamie laughed and before he could, I put both my hands on his hips and my fingers went to work unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. If only he’d been wearing that damn kilt… this would be much easier. 

I pulled his boxers down at the same time as his pants so when I stood back up, Jamie was naked, his body the same as the day I met him in the gym. 

“Do you remember the first day we met?” I asked him, his eyes momentarily focused on my body but drifted slowly up to my face. 

“Aye, when ye pulled back the curtain, I was shocked,” Jamie tentatively placed a hand on my bare shoulder, “but when I saw it was ye, so bonny, I wished I’d pulled ye in wi’ me.” 

His touch sent shivers across my skin, for so long we had wanted this; a closeness, an intimacy you feel when you join together as one. 

“I think even if I didn’t have the brain tumor, I still would’ve fainted at the sight of you.” My hand touched the copper hairs on his firm chest, “My tall red headed scotsman.” I whispered and placed a kiss where my fingers had been. 

“Yer mine, _mo nighean donn_ , now and forever.” His hands slid down my arms, his touch sending butterflies to the pit of my stomach. I pressed against him, desperate for friction, for more. A deep groan came from his chest and he finally slid his hands to the backs of my thighs and lifted me off the ground. 

Wrapping my legs around his waist, Jamie carried me over to the bed where he laid me down gently, his hands settling on my waist. He paused, a warm smile on his lips as his eyes took me in. 

“What… have you never seen a naked woman before?” I joked, watching as he climbed onto the bed and positioned himself between my open legs. 

“Aye but no’ one so beautiful,” he dipped his head and kissed the skin just under my breast, “and no’ one that’s got such lovely smooth skin as yers.” Jamie’s tongue moved up towards my nipple, hardening with every flick.

I knew now that I would always want him touching me, his hands on my body, his mouth on my skin. To have waited so long for this and to finally have it… it was exhilarating. 

While I loved the attention he was giving my breasts, what I really wanted was him inside me. “Jamie,” my voice was soft, aware of the other occupants of the house. 

“Jamie, please,” I begged, my hands tugging on his curls, bringing his face up to meet mine. 

“I’ll be gentle, Sassenach. I dinna want to hurt ye.” He pressed the palm of his hand against my cheek while we both guided him to my entrance. With a nod, I gripped his arm, gasping as he slid home. Our bodies responded, arching and pulsing with every thrust, every moan captured in the other’s mouth. 

“Christ, Sassenach,” Jamie rolled his hips into me, his cock filling my walls as they clenched around him. 

My hands found their place on his scarred back, pressing into the deep rivets of his skin. Thrusting in a relentless rhythm, Jamie pushed his chest off of me, our eyes met and our souls came home. We became one, _there would be no more searching._

Moaning, my hands tightened on his back as he pushed forward several times, the impact wracking my body and leaving me shaking from pleasure. My head began to swirl, the blood rushing as I felt Jamie spasm on top of me. Holding my face with the palm of his hand, Jamie kissed me tenderly, rolling our bodies to the side, still joined. 

“I prefer to be on top…” I kissed him, my tongue exploring his mouth, “but considering I’m not fully recovered, that’ll do.” Jamie laughed and rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him, slipping out of me in the process. 

I started to voice my complaints but he pressed his mouth to mine, “Hush, _mo cridhe_ , I want to simply lay wi’ ye. Hold yer naked body to mine for a time. We will have plenty of time for more.” Agreeing, I placed a kiss to his chest and my head fell against him, our breaths synchronizing. 

++++++

**_December 25th, 2014_ **

**_12:06am_ **

Spreading my hand across the sheets, I opened my eyes to find them empty, void of Claire’s warm body. My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room and I found that she wasna here. I stepped out of bed, grabbing my boxers and sliding them on as well as a pair of sweats I had unpacked earlier. 

Taking a chance, I looked out the glass of the window and saw her — sitting on a wooden bench by a big oak tree in the front yard. 

“It’s freezin’, Sassenach, what are ye thinkin’.” I said to myself and grabbed the soft plaid blanket from the bed, almost forgetting to grab a t-shirt but stopped and threw one quickly on. I grabbed something from the dresser and headed out to Claire. My feet carried me down the stairs two at a time and I was outside in no time. 

There was no sound save the quiet crunching sound of my bare feet on the freshly fallen snow. 

“Sassenach, what are ye doin’ out here? Ye’ll catch a cold.” I shivered as I sat next to her, unfolding the plaid and generously wrapping it around both of our bodies. Claire leaned into me, her skin flush and cheeks red. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” she sighed, “too much excitement I suppose.” She nudged my side and I laughed, my arm tightening around her waist under the plaid. 

“Claire, ye gave me a gift earlier,” I looked down at her and put my hand under her chin, “It’s technically Christmas Day so I have a gift of my own I’d like to give ye.” 

She smiled and my heart warmed at the sight of it. For so many months she had been so weak, a ghost of the woman I’d met almost a year ago. She was the strongest person I knew and the only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

I gripped her left hand as I reached into the pocket of my pants, pulling out a small wooden box. Her brief intake of breath told me she wasna expecting this. But I had been planning on marrying her from the moment I laid eyes on her. 

“Sassenach… Claire,” I began, “my Da once told me as a wee lad that when I found the lass I was to marry, that I would know instantly. Well, from the moment ye pulled back that curtain and I saw yer whisky eyes… I knew.” Tears silently rolled down her cheeks as I spoke and it took every bit of strength in me to continue. 

“This past year has been the hardest of my life, no’ harder than it has been for you of course,” I squeezed her delicate fingers, “but to watch the person ye love go through _so_ much — I only wish I coulda bore the pain for ye.” For once, Claire was quiet, her tongue most likely frozen to the roof of her mouth. 

“I choose ye, Sassenach. I choose ye everyday for the rest of our lives, however long that may be. We arena granted this day or the next but how every many days we do get, will ye spend them wi’ me?” I asked and I momentarily released her hand to open the box, revealing my mother’s wedding ring, simple but beautiful. 

“Will ye marry me, Claire? Be my wife?”

She looked down at the ring, picking it out of the box and met my eyes, “Oh Jamie,” she cried, “Yes! Yes I’ll marry you!” Claire half-laughed, half-sobbed and pressed her lips to mine, the salty taste of tears on her skin. 

“Taing Dhia!” Smiling against her mouth, I kissed her, pulling her onto my lap. She pulled back and held up the ring and I took it between my thumb and pointer finger. 

“It was my mother’s ring… I hope ye like it,” I blushed as I slid the ring onto her left hand and brought it up to kiss, the diamond cold like the snow around us. 

“It’s perfect, Jamie. Absolutely perfect.” 

“I canna believe ye’re goin’ to be my wife, Claire Fraser.” 

“Claire Fraser,” she tried the name on her lips, “I like the sound of that.” 

“Aye, so do I. Merry Christmas, Sassenach.”

Claire pressed her lips to mine, her arms wrapping around my neck, “Merry Christmas, Jamie.”

**_END OF YEAR ONE_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck it out and got through the most painful and tough year for these two! It only gets better.... well...


	12. Year Two - January 5th, 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and every reader who read the first year of this story! It means a lot to me that you've taken the time to read and love this Jamie and Claire. Also thank you to anyone who has commented and told me some of their story, I hope you enjoy the second year!

On our one year anniversary, we had a small party at Lallybroch, it was rather laid back since it was the day after Hogmanay. I loved being with Jamie and his family, joining in with their family traditions. Finally… I felt like I had a place to call home — a person to call home. 

In the few days that Jamie and I had been engaged, my heart hadn’t come down off of cloud nine. Every time I saw the ring sparkle in the sunlight or felt it knick against my sweater as I pulled it over my head, I found myself smiling like some giddy schoolgirl. If you asked me last year what I had been expecting for 2014… it would not have been a brain tumor, chemo and a fiancé by the end of it. 

I was a different person than I was a year ago, my outlook on life was completely different. More than anything I cherished each day and tried to soak up every moment. Every kiss, every touch… every laugh that escaped my body. 

There’s a quote I love, “ _How wonderful it is that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy.”_ My joy had been a feeling that hadn’t existed in me for so long but with Jamie by my side and my body healing… laughing was my favorite thing and I couldn’t get enough of it. 

I was laughing now as Jamie pulled up outside of the gym at 11:00pm on a Monday night. “Jamie, what on earth are we doing here, surely you didn’t drag me here to watch you work out?” Opening the car door, I walked around the other side and hooked my arm through Jamies, nuzzling against him to get warm in the cold January weather. 

“Of course I’m no’ goin’ to work out at this hour, I’m no’ crazy, Sassenach.” He kissed the top of my head and led us to the entrance of the gym. 

“It’s closed, how are we supposed to get in?” I asked but my question was quickly answered as Jamie pulled out a set of keys. “Ahh, friends in high places.” 

He attempted a wink and unlocked the door, “Lasses first,” he held the door open for me and followed me into the dark lobby. 

“Will you please tell me what we’re doing here at this hour? I would much rather be in bed with you,” I turned around and placed a firm kiss to his mouth, sighing against his body as he wrapped his arms around my waist. 

“Oh I ken ye would, _mo nighean donn_. But I’ve got a wee surprise for ye,” his cheeks blushed a deep red and he turned, pulling us towards the men’s bathroom. 

“Jamie!” I laughed, “You’ve got to be kidding me, you utter arse!” 

His laugh echoed around the empty tiled bathroom as he switched on the lights. “I wanted to bring ye back here… back to where we first met, _mo cridhe_.” Jamie brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “I ken ’tis just a bathroom, a smelly one at that,” he sniffed and we both grimaced, “but it’s the place where I met the love of my life. And where our story began.” 

I arched my brow, waiting for him to do something more that would explain our presence here in the middle of the night. Surely we could have visited during the day. Jamie released my hand and walked over to the shower area and turned one of them on, _hot_. 

“Sassenach,” he smirked and came to stand before me, his hands on my hips. “Will ye join me for a wee shower?” He kissed my neck, “That first time I didna get to do to ye what I really wanted.”

Breathless I pressed against his body, “Oh… and what was that?”

“Well, first of all. I wasna wearing any clothes,” he chuckled and together we pulled off his sweats and boxers and then removed his shirt. 

“Much better,” I agreed and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. “I recall that you were standing in the shower, Mr. Fraser.” 

“Aye, ye’ve a bonny memory, Sassenach.” He walked forward and took a step under the water and I shivered as I watched it pour over his auburn curls and down across his skin. 

“And the curtain was pulled over you,” I whispered and as he pulled the curtain to cover himself, I started to remove my layers. First my hat and scarf, followed by my coat and pajamas. “Then I chose this shower and pulled back the curtain,” I said over the rushing water and put my hand to the curtain and slowly pulled it back. 

It was half a second later that Jamie had me in his arms, joined with him under the warm water. “I’ve got ye this time, Claire. I willna let ye fall.” He smiled and placed both his hands over my head, kissing the deep scar that ran over my skull and under the short curly hair. 

“I love you, Jamie Fraser.” My hands slid across his back, over the scars — pressing against the story that covered his body. 

“And I love you soon-to-be Mrs. Fraser,” Jamie placed one more kiss against my head — over the story of my pain, of my survival. 

The water was warm and made it rather slippery as Jamie’s hands slid over my body but eventually he guided himself into me, lifting my legs to wrap around his waist. Holding me with my back to the shower wall, he thrust home, gently at first and then with a quick rhythm. 

Our mouths pressed together, fevered and lips chapped. Since our first time on Christmas Eve, I had wanted him almost every second of every day. It was as if something had been released in me, a desire to know him and to have him know me completely. 

Gasping, I came around his cock and leaned my head into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. Soon he followed into the abyss, his hands holding my arse and he brought us both down to the floor of the shower. 

“My legs are like jello, Sassenach.” He laughed and I kissed him, savoring the taste of whisky on his tongue. 

“Then I’ve done my job well, Fraser.” I rubbed our noses together and we sat there for awhile longer, letting the water pour over us. 

++++++

“Can we maybe not go home just yet?” I wrapped my scarf around my neck once again and shook my short hair free of the water. “Annie will be asleep, she won’t miss us.” 

Jamie smiled and kissed my cheek, “Aye, what did ye have in mind?”

“I thought we could just take a drive,” I think people still have some of their Christmas lights up.” Jamie helped me button up my coat and we made sure all the lights were off before we left the gym. 

“Who gave you the keys anyways? And what exactly did you tell them?” I laughed, imagining Jamie having a conversation with the owner about how he wanted to bring his fiancée to the gym bathroom and make love to her. 

“I ken the owner,” he smirked, “of course. Rupert Mackenzie, he’s a… cousin, of sorts.” 

“Why am I just finding out about this?” He opened my car door and I slid in. Jamie walked to the other side and slid in, starting the car and turning up the heat. 

“Well, he’s really my uncles cousin and ye havena been to the gym in about a year ye lazy oaf,” he playfully poked my side. “There’s a lot of things ye dinna ken about me.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it, “I’m sorry, Jamie.” 

Pulling my hand to rest over his heart, Jamie looked into my eyes, “Sassenach, this last year was — well it was verra difficult. But I swore to ye that I would love ye and stay by yer side. Have I kept that promise?”

I felt tears stinging my eyes, “Yes, you have, Jamie. Of course you have.” I leaned across theseat and kissed him. “I can’t help but feel selfish every time I find out new stuff about you… like I didn’t try hard enough to ask you or pay attention.” I let my head fall against his shoulder. 

“Claire, we have plenty of time for that, the important thing is that yer healing, besides,” he ran his hand over my back, “there’s lots of stuff about me that isna verra interesting.” 

I pulled my head back to look at him, “That is a crock of shit, Jamie. You’re very interesting… at least to me. Will you tell me more?” 

Jamie turned the radio on low, already tuned to the Christmas station that was still playing ever after the holidays. “Aye, I’ll tell ye all the embarrassing stuff ye want to know.”

As he pulled out of the gym parking lot, I thought of questions to ask him, silly things, important things… anything that would let me know more of Jamie Fraser.

“Okay,” I intertwined my hand with his that wasn’t on the steering wheel, “Tell me something embarrassing that happened to you at school.” 

“Ye really want to know what I was like as a daft kid?” He laughed. 

“Aye, I do.” I smirked. 

“It’ll have to be the time I wore a kilt to school…” His cheeks already started to turn bright red. 

“No, Jamie… don’t tell me -“ I started to laugh.

“Yes.” He laughed as well, “I was just a lad and I guess my kilt wasna on properly, it was school picture day ye ken and my Mam told me I must wear the kilt. So I did but as soon as it came time for the picture to be taken…” he looked over at me, “it came loose and fell to the ground!” 

“Oh my God, I can just picture a wee Jamie with his tighty whiteys and a puddle of tartan around his feet.” I wiped at tears from under my eyes. “What a sight.” 

“Ye ken I have a kilt at home, Sassenach? Ye may no’ have to imagine.” Jamie slid his hand over my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“Oh… and will you be wearing those tighty whiteys?” The fire was already building back up in my stomach. 

“Och, no. Of course no, I’m a true Scotsman.” Jamie smirked and pressed his hand in between my thighs. “Do ye want to go home now?” 

“Hmmm, drive around for a little bit longer and then we’ll go home and I’ll make you put on that kilt.” I squirmed and spread my legs further apart so his hand could tuck in between them. 

For the rest of the drive, my mind was focused on Jamie’s hand — my complete undoing. He never touched me where I wanted but by the time we pulled up outside of our home, I was the first to exit the car.

“Eager lass,” He smiled and locked the car. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the building. 

“Come on lad, let’s see those buns.” We both laughed, intoxicated still from our late night gym shenanigans. 


	13. Year Two - February 9th, 2015

It’s been officially six months since I got the all clear from Amelia. My only real measure of time these days was the length of my hair. It sprang out in curly q’s all over my head and while I looked a little bit like little orphan Annie, I was glad to have my hair back. And so was Jamie — while we lay in bed, most nights he would run his fingers through the short curls and smooth them back over my head. 

“ _Mo nighean donn_ ,” Jamie smiled and reached his hand out for me to take. We were sitting in Amelia’s office, waiting for her to come in and read out my six month report. 

“Can you believe it’s been six months?” I asked and crossed my legs, nervously bouncing them. 

“Aye, I can… look at yer wee head and look at the ring on yer hand,” he ran his finger over my ring and I smiled. Every time I looked at my ring I still got butterflies. We hadn’t set a date yet but we were planning for sometime in June. Once this check-up was out of the way, wedding planning would go into full speed. 

The door opened behind us and Amelia walked in, smiling. I got flashbacks to the first time we both sat here listening to her speak, telling me about my treatment options. It was nearly a year ago now that I was diagnosed and thankfully I was on the up. At least I still hoped I was. 

“It’s so good to see you both,” Amelia smiled and her eyes immediately landed on my ring. “Oh my God! Congratulations are in order then?” She motioned to see my hand and I held it up for her. 

“It happened over Christmas,” I looked over at Jamie who was beaming and looking rather pleased with himself. 

“Well, it’s a gorgeous ring, well done.” She said to Jamie and then took her seat behind the desk. “I don’t want to keep you both too long, so let’s get to it shall we?” Amelia pulled out my reports and looked over them. “There’s no sign of a tumor, Claire. Your last CT came back all clear just as we thought it would.” 

“Taing Dhia,” Jamie sighed and I did as well. There was still always a nagging fear in the back of my mind that the tumor could come back. 

“While that is the good news of what I need to discuss with you today,” Amelia closed the folder and then glanced up at both of us, “there is some… not so good news I need to discuss.” 

Immediately my heart rate quickened and I squeezed Jamie’s hand. If the tumor wasn’t back then what was it?

“Go ahead,” I urged her to continue. 

“Well, as you know Claire, certain drugs and chemicals have an effect on the body and for women this can often lead to… infertility.” I felt Jamie’s hand twitch in mine. “We talked about this at the beginning of your treatment and that it was a side effect…”

“And?” 

“We ran some additional tests on your last visit just to be sure, but — I’m sorry to say that there’s only a ten percent chance that you’ll ever be able to get pregnant.” 

“Ten percent?” Jamie repeated, “So there’s still a chance though, it’s not like she can never be wi’ a bairn?”

Amelia sat up straight and looked at Jamie, “There’s a very small chance, Jamie. Minuscule compared to what Claire’s body should be able to do.” As she said this out loud I suddenly felt ashamed. Betrayed yet again by my own body, possibly unable to conceive a child with the man that I loved. I knew of course that this was a possibility and while the thought of freezing my eggs occurred to me… Jamie and I were so fresh in our relationship that I never followed through with that particular conversation. 

“Is there anything else?” I asked quietly. 

“No,” Amelia offered a smile, “You’re healthy, Claire and getting stronger everyday. Try and focus on the positives.” 

I nodded my head and gave her a weak smile, “Of course. Well… thank you for everything, again, Amelia.” Jamie and I stood and I hugged Amelia before we both left her office and stood in the hallway of the hospital. On the drive over I had been contemplating when I would want to return to work and I thought it would be soon. But as I looked over and saw an expectant mother being wheeled down the hall and into a room… the thought of coming back to work lost its appeal. 

“Sorcha,” Jamie whispered, his arm steady on my back. “There’s a chance.” He pressed his lips to my temple and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

“A very small one, Jamie.” I let my head settle on his chest and let my fingers tug at his shirt. 

“I know it’s probably no’ the time to discuss this…” Jamie looked down at me, “but, there are always bairns who need adoptin’…” 

Looking up at him, I saw so much hope in his eyes that it made me rather emotional. I knew how badly Jamie wanted to be a father and I wanted to be a mother. If adoption was the only way for us to be parents and raise a child, then of course I would go that route. 

“Of course, Jamie. I know that.” I kissed him, “I’m not opposed but I would rather not talk about it today.” He turned us towards the door and on the way out I waved goodbye to Joe and he blew me a kiss. 

“Claire, I ken that wasna the happiest note to end the check-up on but can I just tell ye how much I love ye and how glad I am that yer tumor free for six months now?” Jamie paused at the car, his hand on my door. 

“Thank you,” I pressed my mouth to his and smiled, “I love you too. And you’re right, that wasn’t the happiest note to leave on.” He opened the door and I slid in and waited for him to sit in the driver’s side. 

“So how about we go grab a hot chocolate and talk about setting a wedding date?” I suggested and Jamie grinned. 

“Aye, sounds like a grand plan, Sassenach.” 

++++++

“Next month?” Jamie said, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. 

I looked up from my planner and stared at him, “Next month? You want to get married next month? Jamie… that’s hardly enough time to plan a wedding.” 

“Aye, but I want to be married to ye already. I dinna care what it looks like,” he smiled and pulled my planner across the table. 

“I ken ye like to plan things though, Sassenach. So let me look,” Jamie bent his head and started flipping through the pages, eyes lingering on weekends in March before flipping to April and then on to May. 

“You do want to marry me this year right?” I laughed as I watched him toss aside week after week. 

“Aye, I’ll ken the date when I see it.” Jamie mumbled and I sat back in my chair, letting the smooth hot drink warm my stomach. I had never given much thought to my wedding before. To be honest I never had anyone I loved enough to give it a serious thought. The only thing I did think about was who would walk me down the aisle? I suppose it would be Lamb, he was the closest thing I had to a father now. But my Dad… I always pictured him taking my arm in his, telling me how beautiful I looked in my dress and leading me to my husband. 

In a way he did — lead me to Jamie — their pasts were intertwined in a huge event in both mine and Jamie’s life. I guess I didn’t really care what the wedding looked like either, as long as it was Jamie waiting for me at the end of the aisle. 

“What about June?” He smiled. 

“June what?” I asked and leaned forward to look at the planner. “June 16th? Why that date?”

“Well… ’twas my parents anniversary and I thought it might be nice is all,” his cheeks turned pink, “But if ye want yer own wedding date and ye dinna wish to share it wi’ anyone, I understand that.” 

“Jamie,” I touched his wrist, feeling his pulse point beating steadily, “June 16th is the perfect date. And it will be special to share it with your parents.” 

“Are ye sure, Claire?” How could I say no to those blue puppy dog eyes staring back at me?

“Yes, absolutely positive. We have a date!” I smiled and leaned across the table to kiss him briefly. 

“When were yer parents married?” 

I grabbed my planner and drew a heart in the ‘June 16th’ box, “They were married in a small chapel in Oxford on September 10th.” 

“I’m sure it was bonny, Sassenach.” Jamie smiled and finished off the last of his drink. 

“I’m sure it was, I have pictures actually, well not with me. They’re actually at my parents house… here in Edinburgh.” Jamie’s hand stopped tapping on the table and I looked up. “What?”

“I didna know yer parents lived here, I thought they lived in London?”

“Well they did, but they bought a small house here when I was about ten. We spent summers here, which is why I was so happy to be accepted as a transfer resident here in Edinburgh. This place always felt like a second home.” 

“Can I see it?” Jamie asked, “Their house?” 

“Yes of course, I’m actually meant to decide what to do with it soon.” 

“Do wi’ it?” 

“Well, it’s just been sitting there for the past six years obviously with no one living in it. I could have lived in it but the memories of my parents loss was just too fresh, so I lived with Geillis instead. So I either need to sell it or…” I looked up at him, the question lingering in the air between us. 

“Or what, Sassenach?” His eyes hinted that he knew what I was asking. 

“Or we could… live in it, our first home together.” My cheeks turned pink and Jamie reached for my hand across the table. 

“I would love that, mo cridhe, but first let me see the place, I dinna want to be livin’ in some dump!” He laughed and I whacked his arm. 

“It’s not a dump, it’s beautiful.” 

“That’s for me to decide, thank ye verra much, Sassenach.” Jamie stood from the table and helped me slide my coat on. “I’m sure ’tis a lovely house and I canna wait to see it, another part of ye.” 

“I can’t wait for you to see it either, Jamie.” I kissed him, “And I can’t wait to marry you on June 16th.” 


	14. Year Two - March 24th, 2015

I pulled into the driveway of my friend Mary Hawkins’ house and shut the car off. We’d had our cancer support group here twice a month since I joined back in November. In reality, I should have joined when I was actually receiving the chemo but I hadn’t been myself, I didn’t want to be around anyone but Jamie — and sometimes not even him. 

This small group of people had helped me with my recovery and I hoped I had helped them shine hope during their treatment. Mary was much younger than me, at 14 she had been diagnosed with Leukemia and had been battling it for the past two years. Our support group met at her house because often she was too weak to travel. It was a good thing her family was very well off and were able to hire nurses who stayed at the house to take care of her. 

I knocked on the door softly before entering, “Hello!” Walking into the living room, I saw that a few of the other members of the group were already here. They waved back and I walked over to Mary, sitting on the couch. 

“Hi dear, how are you today?” I kissed the top of her beanie clad head and took a seat next to her. 

“I-I’m a-lright,” she smiled weakly. On top of having cancer, she had a terrible stutter and had been working with a speech therapist to fix it but hadn’t made much progress yet. 

I pulled her blanket around her feet and reached for a cookie that was on the coffee table, “And how are you, Robert?” The man sitting across from me in the living room was Robert St. Germain, a Frenchman who was diagnosed with a brain tumor like me. 

“Splendid, actually.” He smiled which was so good to see, “I have just two more rounds of chemo left and then another brain scan.” 

“Oh that’s wonderful, Robert. I’m sure everything will be just fine, you’ve been doing so well lately.” The door opened behind us and two more people walked in. An older woman named Glenna Fitzgibbons who was recovering like me, but from breast cancer and her granddaughter who always drove her here, Laoghaire. 

Laoghaire and I didn’t exactly see eye to eye on a lot of things, which is why she now sat in the kitchen and talked with Mary’s mother while we had our support group. I often wondered if she was jealous of mine and Jamie’s relationship — he had come to the group a few times in the beginning. 

“Hello, my love!” Glenna gave both me and Mary a kiss on the cheek and took a seat in one of the chairs around the living room. 

“So it sounds like we have some good reports today,” I smiled over at Robert and he told the rest of the group about what was left of his treatment. Glenna followed by talking about her recovery process and what’s its been like. She knows as an older woman how thankful she is to have beat breast cancer but still fears that it’ll come back. 

“Your doctor is r-recommending a mastectomy?” Mary asked. 

“Yes dearie, to be safe and I ken it’s the best thing movin’ forward,” she smiled softly. 

“You’re very brave, Glenna,” I said. 

“Thank you, kindly.” 

Looking down at my ring, I thought I’d share my most recent news, “Well as you all know, Jamie and I are getting married.” 

“Have you finally set a date, Claire?” Robert asked and I nodded which made everyone start clapping around the small circle. I loved these people, even though I had only known some of them for just a few months, we had grown so close and they had been so important in my own recovery process. 

“The 16th of June!” I smiled. 

“O-of this year?” Mary beamed, “That’s less than three months away, where will it be?” 

“Well we hadn’t got quite that far, I’m actually meeting with Jamie’s sister, Jenny, after this to talk about that.” I had called Jenny earlier in the week to discuss venues and hadn’t come up with anything. The date was fast approaching and if we wanted anywhere decent, then we would have to be quick. On another note… I needed a dress. 

These were all things that had evaded my mind since we had picked out a date. What we should have been doing was going over every little detail with a fine tooth comb. The flower arrangements, the invitations, and of course the cake. But Jamie and I were a bit different. We wanted things to be simple, no fuss. That was what I loved about him, and also that he didn’t feel the need to make it a huge affair which helped keep my stress levels down. 

We finished our support group going around the circle and saying one good thing that happened to us since our last meeting. This was always a good note to end on and left everyone in high spirits. If I was being truthful, a small part of the reason why the date was set so soon was because I feared that Mary may not make it til the end of this year. I felt how weak she really was as I hugged her gently goodbye and walked to my car. 

“Oh Mary.” I said quietly to myself and headed to Jamie’s office to meet Jenny for lunch. 

++++++

As soon as I walked through the door, I was greeted by Murtagh on his way out to meet a client. As tough as he appeared to be, Murtagh was actually just a big softie with a huge heart. He’d been there for me and Jamie in more ways than I could count. Especially with Jamie needing to take off so much work. But of course now that Jamie had returned to work, he was also quite happy to shed some of that workload. 

Jamie’s office was in the middle of Edinburgh, with an open concept work environment. But the bosses office had walls _and_ a door. Something that as very important when I had come to visit him a couple weeks ago late one night.

_I knocked gently on his door, “Hi babe,” I smiled and he looked up from his desk, one hand tangled in that mass of red curls._

_“Och, Sassenach,” he grinned. “I didna expect to see ye here this late, thought I’d come quietly creepin’ to ye in the bed.”_

_Walking over to his desk, I took a seat on the corner, prominently displaying my bare legs in a short skirt. “I was at home, but then I got lonely and wondered if you were lonely here too, all by yourself.”_

_Jamie gave my body a look up and down, reaching out his hand to slide across my knee. “Well, mo nighean donn, I’m no’ exactly alone.” I looked around his office dumbly and he laughed. “Aye, I’m alone in here, but a few other employees are out there working on getting the last of the contracts drawn up for our new client.”_

_“Oh,” I sighed, “I didn’t see anyone when I walked in, but I wasn’t really thinking of anyone except my future husband.” I moved back a little on his desk, and Jamie’s eyes flew to my arse. He did always love touching it, which was exactly what he was doing now as he rolled his chair over directly in front of me and placed both his hands firmly on my backside._

_“You better close your door, boss. Or your employees will get an eye full.” I laughed as he made a very Scottish grunt and stood to shut and lock the door._

_“There. ’Tis closed…” he turned and came to take his position in front of me once again, his hands cupping my cheeks, and then sliding down my body to push my jacket off to the ground. “Now, ye’ll tell me again how ye were lonely,” he placed a kiss to my jaw._

_My voice was barely audible as I told him how I wanted to feel him inside of me, have his hands on me. With every kiss from Jamie’s lips, I grew more and more breathless, overcome by the need to have him. We’d never done it in a public place before…only in the bedroom. Perhaps that’s what was turning me on so much and making me feel like jello._

_“Jamie,” I finally sighed as he laid me gently back against his desk, not bothering with the items that fell to the floor in a clatter. I was very thankful I had decided against panties and so was Jamie as his hand snaked it’s way between my warm thighs, and he easily slid a finger into me._

_“Christ, Sassenach. I willna be able to get any work done now,” he laughed, and freed his cock from his pants, letting them fall around his ankles. I wrapped one leg around his waist and pulled him closer._

_“That was sort of the idea, Jamie.” I let out a deep moan as he pushed my skirt up and replaced his finger with his cock. He didn’t move at first, but simply stared down at me, and I brushed my thumb across his cheek. “What?”_

_Jamie slowly shook his head, a curious look on his face, “I just canna believe yer mine is all,” he kissed me firmly and finally started to move his hips, thrusting and stretching my walls. “All mine, mo cridhe.”_

My cheeks blushed red as I had flashbacks to that night as I knocked quietly on his door. “Hello, darling.” I smiled and walked into his office. 

“This is a nice surprise, Sassenach.” Jamie rose and kissed me hello, wrapping his arms around my waist. “How was the group?” He asked. 

“Very good, I told them we had our wedding date! There were very excited.” I beamed. 

“Och, that’s good.” He kissed my forehead, “Jenny told me ye were goin’ to lunch to discuss venues?” He quirked up his brow. 

“Yes, very important that we figure out a place. And you’re sure you don’t want to come? I mean it is your wedding too,” I fiddled with absentmindedly with a loose string on the collar of his shirt. 

“No, I ken whatever place you choose will be perfect, I trust your judgement.” Jamie kissed me on the cheek, and gave his bum a nice pat before walking out of his office. 

“I love you.” I said from the doorway. 

“And I you.” He replied. 

++++++

Jenny and I sat down at the restaurant close to her office, ordering two lemonades and glanced down at the menu. I was so thankful for Jenny, as I was thankful for everyone in my life who had helped not only me, but also Jamie walk through my chemo and recovery. After we opened presents on Christmas morning last year, Jenny and Ian had informed all of us that they were expecting another child. The kids had started shrieking and jumping around the room, thrilled to have another sibling in their already big family. 

Of course I was happy for them, how could I not be? But as I watched Jenny stroke her small bump, sitting across from me, I did feel jealous. I knew from my last meeting with Amelia, that my chances of conceiving naturally were slim. And I wanted a child with Jamie, but when was it our turn?

“Do ye know what yer goin’ to order?” Jenny asked as she looked up from the menu. 

I didn’t need to look at the menu, I had been to this restaurant several times with Jamie and always ordered the exact same thing. 

“I’m going to get the grilled halloumi sandwich with bacon and avocado.” 

“Christ, that sounds delicious. Think I’ll just get the same and maybe a side of chips as well.” Jenny smiled and rubbed her belly again, “Eating for two has its perks, I get all the greasy stuff.” 

“How is it?” I took a sip of water, “The pregnancy, I mean.” 

“Och, it’s fine. It’s my fifth one so it feels much the same as the last one. Wind in yer belly and I can just began to feel that the child is really there, stirring inside me.” 

I smiled as best I could but Jenny could read my face just as easily as her brother could. “Claire, I’m sorry. I didna mean to-“

“No! Jenny, never feel bad for being happy about your growing child, please don’t ever apologize for that.” I reached for her hand on the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

“I ken it must be hard for ye to look at someone like me who seems to pop a bairn out every five seconds.” She laughed nervously. 

“I think that it’s a wonderful thing, Jenny. And who knows, perhaps some of your Fraser fertility will pass along to our marriage,” I laughed. The waitress came back and took our orders and the conversations of babies was put aside. 

“So Claire, I’ve been thinking of weddin’ venues as I’m sure you have, and I’ve got to say… they’re verra expensive around Edinburgh.” Jenny said. 

“I know,” I sighed and ran my hand back through my curls, “I can’t seem to find anything in our budget. Jamie has told me not to worry about expense, and I know he’s well off, but I won’t abuse that.” 

“And his bank account thanks ye for it,” Jenny laughed and I joined in. “Which is what led me to another option…” 

“Which is what exactly?”

“Lallybroch,” Jenny said flatly. 

“Lallybroch? Your home?” I stared back at her. 

“It’s much Jamie and your home as it is mine, Claire.” 

When I really thought about it, Lallybroch was perfect. It _was_ Jamie’s home, still is and it was rather beautiful, with rolling hills and lush greenery. Scotland offered a lot in the ways of foliage so our flower budget would be quite small. 

“You know… it sounds perfect, Jenny. I know Jamie will love it. Thank you!” I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“That is one huge relief off of my chest, the only major thing left is to find a dress,” I sighed. 

“Aye, the dress is important, at least it was to me. I didn’t have to look to hard though because I got married in my mother, Ellen’s dress.” 

“Really? I would love to see pictures someday.” 

“Och, of course. Next time ye come to Lallybroch, I’ll pull out the album.” She smiled. 

“I suppose that should be soon if we’re to get an idea for decoration and seating and everything.” 

“Aye,” Jenny nodded, “How about ye come next weekend, bring Jamie of course, and we’ll have a dinner to go along wi’ it.” 

“Sounds wonderful, speaking of food…” I licked my lips as the waitress set our food down in front of us. I couldn’t wait to get married to Jamie and with marrying him and becoming a Fraser, I was getting his family along with it. It’d been nearly seven years since my parents death and everyday without them was hard, but the pain grew less and less each day…especially with so many good things to look forward to. 


	15. Year Two - April 17th, 2015

Three days ago, Jamie told me to pack an over night bag because we were going to Oxford. I’d been taking a bath when he told me this and nearly dropped my copy of _Jane Eyre_ in the tub. 

“What do you mean, were going to Oxford for a couple of days?” I carefully placed my book on the chair. 

Jamie took a deep breath and looked down at me, “Ye ken what tomorrow is, the 16th of April…” 

“Oh,” I said and looked down curiously at the bubbles in the bath. “That’s right.” 

“Sassenach, I only thought it would be nice to…visit them, ye ken, but if it’ll be too hard we dinna have to.” 

“No, I want to. I do. I haven’t been to their graves in… well, in a long time actually. And I know tomorrow is an important day for you too,” I grabbed his hand and kissed his knuckles. April 16th, the day my parents died, was also the day that Jamie’s back had been scarred, and the rest of his body mangled. 

“Aye, which is why I want to spend the day wi’ you. Last year, we really didna do anything on that day. Ye’d just learned about yer wee brain tumor, it wasna the time to bring up more pain.” 

I pulled on Jamie’s shirt and kissed him slowly, “Going to Oxford sounds like a good idea, thank you, Jamie. Besides… I want them to meet you.” 

He smirked then, “Och, I already have, Sassenach. I just dinna remember is all.” 

The next morning, we got on a train destined for Oxford, and the whole journey there I was a nervous wreck. I hadn’t been back to the place where I’d grew up since I’d gotten the residency at Edinburgh Hospital. I was afraid that the memories of their death would all come crashing out of the nice neat box I had stored them in. 

“How long are we going to stay?” I asked him as we approached one hour left in our journey. 

“We can leave anytime you want, but I thought we’d stay tonight, and then leave tomorrow afternoon?” Jamie ran his fingers lightly up and down my arm. 

“Good. That’ll be good.” I said. 

Jamie placed his finger under my chin and turned my head up to look at him, “Sassenach… Claire, there’s nothing to be worrit about. If ye need to cry, then I’ll be here wi’ a shoulder to cry on. And if ye need to talk to them… tell them about us, about what’s happened to ye in the last year, I’ll make myself scarce.” 

I kissed him and nearly cried at his words, how was he always so good to me?

“I probably will cry,” I half laughed, “And I do want to tell them… everything, but I would very much like you to be by my side when I do.” 

“I’ll be by your side always, Sassenach.” 

++++++

The last time I had visited my parents grave, it was just before I left Oxford to go to Edinburgh. They’d only been gone a little over a year and during that year I had spent hours and hours sitting by their grave, just simply talking with them, telling them how much I missed them. I took the placement in Scotland because I was letting myself be distracted by their death. It consumed me, my every thought was about them and how I wished they had never gotten on that plane. 

Oxford no longer felt like home without my parents, and so I applied for my residency, which I had almost completed before I got my diagnosis, in Edinburgh, and had said goodbye to them. 

I squeezed Jamie’s hand as hard as I possibly could as we walked up the path to their gravestone. They were there, right beside each other. All my life, I had looked up to them and their marriage, they were what I hoped to find in my own marriage one day. And I think I found that in Jamie, someone to stand by me through anything. 

“Are ye alright, Sassenach?” Jamie whispered to me as we stood in front of their stone. I didn’t know what to say first. 

I nodded and then ignored the fresh dew on the grass and sank to my knees. I placed the flowers by the headstone and then felt Jamie sink to the ground beside me, grabbing for my hand. 

With a squeeze from Jamie’s hand, I started talking to my parents. I felt foolish at first, I knew they weren’t there, but I hoped somehow they could hear me. 

I told them about my life in Scotland, and of course that led to my brain tumor. That part was easy to talk about I found, but when I said Jamie’s name… the tears fell and my throat tightened. 

Jamie was a solid rock beside me, never interjecting or ruining the moment. He held me to his chest as I cried. Over what exactly, I wasn’t too sure. Of course I missed them, so that was part of the reason, but why had I cried when I said Jamie’s name?

After a few minutes, I wiped my face on my sleeve and sat back up. 

“Jamie…” I started over with a shaky voice, “He is the love of my life. Mum, you would love him, and Dad… well you would learn to love him.” I laughed and felt Jamie tighten his grip around my waist. 

“When I got sick, he took care of me. He never complained about missing out on his life or work. He was there for me whenever and however I needed him.” I took a deep breath before continuing, and looked up at Jamie. 

“And he loves me,” I placed the palm of my hand on his cheek, feeling the wetness of his cheek from his own tears I hadn’t known he’d been shedding. “That’s what matters isn’t it?”

“Aye,” Jamie finally spoke softly, “Love is what matters.” 

++++++

Later that night after dinner, we arrived back to the hotel holding hands, and bumping shoulders in the elevator. Today had meant more to me than I had the words to express. As Jamie turned the key to our room, I followed behind him, and wrapped my arms from behind around his waist. 

“Thank you for today.” I placed a kiss on his back between his shoulder blades. 

Reaching one arm behind, Jamie pressed his palm against my hip, “Of course, Sassenach.” 

My hand slid over his stomach and down into the front of his jeans. Jamie let out a quiet groan as I touched his growing bulge. I cupped him firmly, moving my other hand to his nipples and pressing my fingers to his sensitive flesh. I felt his hips buck back against me and my own nipples harden. 

“Claire…” he sighed, and turned to face me, pulling my hand out of his pants and carefully pressing me back against the wall. His mouth was at my neck, sucking the sick just under my jaw. I tanged one hand in his curly locks, holding him to me. 

“I love you,” I whispered into the air as his hands found the zipper of my dress and he pulled it down. I let it fall around my feet and stood before him in only my panties. Jamie licked his lips, and together we pulled off his shirt and had his pants around his ankles. 

Jamie stepped out of them and then pulled his boxers down. He leaned in close, his lips barely brushing against mine. “I love you, mo cridhe. If I dinna say it enough…” he kissed me slowly, and then I felt his arms lift me into the air and the next thing I knew, I was being laid on the bed. 

He covered me with his body, a protection as he always was. His fingers hooked into my panties and pulled them down. We didn’t bother with a condom — we hadn’t ever since we learned that my chances of becoming pregnant were slim. 

Reaching up to push his curls off his forehead, I looked into his blue eyes as he guided himself into me. My back arched instinctively off the bed and my chest was pressed flush to his. His hips met mine in a search for more, for something deeper and I let myself be carried away in loving him. 

++++++

We laid in bed for hours after, neither one of us wanting to separate from the other, but when my stomach made a protest, Jamie kissed my lips before rolling over on the bed to call for room service. 

When the food arrived, we ate it on the bed — I sat wrapped up in a sheet and looked over at Jamie over my pizza. He smiled as he took a bite of his hamburger, and I felt such a great sense of pride that I was going to marry this man. This man that knew exactly what I wanted to eat without having to ask, this man that was there for me when I needed to cry. Jamie knew my inner most thoughts, sometimes even before I did. 

“Is yer pizza good?” He asked, squirting mustard over his fries. Jamie was one of the few people I knew that preferred mustard over ketchup. 

“Mmmm, so good.” I said in between chews. 

“Are ye okay to leave tomorrow morning?” He asked. 

I nodded, “Yes. I think the time here was good, but I’m ready to go home.” 

“Aye, me too, Sassenach. I was thinkin’… what if when we got back tomorrow, unless it’s too much for ye, we visit yer parents house. So I can take a look at it.” He smiled. 

I’d been meaning to show him their house ever since I told him about it. If we wanted to move in, I would prefer to do that before the wedding, and before Jamie’s lease on the loft was up next month. 

“That sounds like a good idea, actually. Perfect timing, with your lease coming to an end and all.” I smiled and took a sip of my coke. 

“I was thinkin’ the same thing,” he laughed, “We dinna have to live in that house, but it would be the easiest thing, and I think it would be nice for ye to have those memories of yer parents.” 

“It’ll be tough, of course,” I said, “but it’ll get easier with time. I would very much like to live there with you, Jamie. Our first home.” 

Jamie leaned over our plates of food and kissed me on the mouth, getting a bit of mustard on my lips. I licked it off and laughed. “Tomorrow it is, mustard boy.” 

“Tomorrow indeed, Sassenach.” Jamie smiled and grabbed another fry, hungrily shoving it into his mouth. 

++++++

After we drove home from the train station, we dropped our bags off, and got back into the car. I told Jamie the directions to my parents house, and we arrived thirty minutes later. When I saw the house, memories of my childhood came flooding back, all the summers we had spent here. 

_“Darling!” My mother shouted from inside, “Get out of that dirt, and come help me with lunch.” I wiped my hands on my linen skirt and ran inside, trailing in bits of dirt behind me._

_“Hi mum,” I kissed her on the cheek, and went to the sink to wash my hands. “What’s for lunch?”_

_“Plain old boring sandwiches,” she smiled. “But I need your help cutting the fruit for the fruit salad.” She moved her elbow in the direction of the fresh fruit from our garden that I had brought in earlier, now sitting on the counter._

_“Of course,” I dried off my hands, and grabbed a knife and cutting board. My favorite part about the Edinburgh house was that it was a bit outside of the business of town, with a nice big garden, that I loved to plant all kinds of things in._

_“Where’s daddy?” I asked as I started washing and cutting the strawberries._

_“He went out to grab some bread, it seems we need that to make sandwiches,” my mother laughed._

_“Bread is very important, perhaps the most important ingredient,” I laughed along with her._

_I went on cutting and washing the fruit, strawberries, bananas from the market, and some blackberries. My mother came to stand next to me, and brushed my curls away from my face as she always did._

_“Bunny, you would tell me if there was ever a boy that you liked, right?” She asked, seemingly out of the blue._

_“Of course, but there’s not. Why are you asking me about this?” I laughed and placed the knife down on the cutting board._

_My mother smiled, and leaned against the counter, “Well, you’re fourteen, normally young girls your age would have a boyfriend or at least a crush. I just want you to feel comfortable with me, if you ever wanted to talk about it.”_

_“There’s no one at school, mum. The boys there are so immature, trust me… I’ll tell you if there’s anyone I like or have a_ crush _on.” I smiled and she wrapped her sweater covered arm around my waist and gave me a hug._

_“I love you, Claire. Your father and I are the luckiest parents in the world,” she kissed the top of my head and I stayed there, wrapped in her embrace._

“Claire?” Jamie asked, and I shook my head slightly, focusing my gaze back on the present. I never did have the chance to tell my mother about any boys I liked. I wasn’t the girl that had a ton of boyfriends in school, and when Jamie came along… she was already gone. 

“Sorry, let’s go inside.” I smiled and took his outstretched hand and walked up to the front of the house. I pulled the key out from my purse and unlocked the front door. It was an odd feeling after so many years, to be returning to this place on my own. Except I wasn’t quite alone…

The house was a bit stuffy, obviously having not been lived in for the past seven years. Dust covered the sheet draped furniture, and the pictures on the walls had a layer of dust as well. Jamie held my hand tightly as we walked from room to room. It was a decent sized house, two rooms upstairs with the master downstairs, and a renovated kitchen with French doors that led to the garden outside. 

“It’s a lovely home, Claire.” Jamie spoke quietly. 

“Yes it is,” I turned to face him and placed my hands on his chest. “So… what do you think?”

“About living here? With you?” He smiled, and pressed one hand against my cheek. “It sounds too good to be true, _mo nighean donn_.”

“Well then let me be the first to say, ‘Welcome Home’.” I stood on my tip toes and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. 

“Welcome back home, Sassenach.” Jamie lifted me then and spun me in the air, my feet flying behind me. 


	16. Year Two - May 7th, 2015

Moving day arrived, and we had help from Murtagh, Jenny, Ian, Joe, and Geillis. It was nice to have everyone together because it happened so rarely. What wasn’t nice was the impending black clouds threatening to pour down rain on us at any given moment. Moving was stressful enough without the thought of all of your belongings getting drenched. 

We had to move in today because Jamie’s lease was up in two days, and tomorrow everyone was busy. So today it was. And I couldn’t be much help with the heavy lifting as my body was still a bit weak from all the medication. 

The biggest issue was figuring out which furniture to keep of my parents and what to bring in of Jamie’s and mine. 

I was looking at an old grandfather clock, my hands on my hips when Jamie came and stood behind me, sliding one arm around my waist. He was breathing heavy and I could smell the salt of his sweat. 

“Are we keepin’ that thing?” He asked, leaning his chin on the top of my head. 

“I don’t know, it’s one of those cuckoo clocks so it chirps every hour… I wasn’t too fond of it when I was a kid, but now…” 

“Keep it,” Jamie kissed my cheek, and started walking back outside to get more boxes. 

That matter settled, I went back to Jenny and Geillis who were in the kitchen, unwrapping plates and bowls from newspaper. 

“Thank you again for coming to help!” I smiled and grabbed a vase at the bottom of a box, looking for the perfect place to set it. 

“Och, ’tis no a problem. I actually like movin’ stuff… so long as it’s no mine.” Geillis laughed. 

“I’m just happy to see Jamie in a real home, and no’ in that big loft of his wi’ no real doors.” Jenny smirked, placing plates in the cupboards. There wasn’t too much furniture here, as it was our summer home, but there was just enough to make it feel full already. 

The couches were not really in our taste and we had our own mattress, so a few bigger items we were donating to charity. I hoped by the end of the day, we would get everything inside so I could spend the next couple of days while Jamie went back to work just unpacking everything. 

“Have ye decided which room will be the bairns?” Jenny asked and I almost choked. 

“Um…” 

“I ken yer no’ pregnant, but Jamie told me ye were both tryin’… I hope ye dinna mind me knowing.” Jenny said rather shyly. 

“Oh, it’s fine. Um, we haven’t thought about it, since we’re not pregnant, might not ever be…” I trailed off quietly. 

Geillis put the plate she was holding down and came to my side, “Claire, whenever or however it happens, I ken ye’ll be a great mother. There’s no need to stress about it, especially wi’ the wedding next month.” She smiled. 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I sighed. “I’m getting married next month.” 

The women burst into a laugh and I joined in. 

“I hope yer ready to marry my daft brother, Claire. Once he has ye, I’m afraid he willna be lettin’ ye go so easily.” 

“Who am I no’ lettin’ go of?” Jamie asked as he walked into the kitchen. I spun around to face him, and welcomed his kiss. 

“Me,” I smiled against his lips. 

“Och, I could never let ye go, Sassenach.” Jamie kissed me again, and I heard Geillis make a gagging sound behind me. Jamie picked up a kitchen towel and tossed it at her, making everyone laugh. 

“Stop that,” laughing, I watched as Jamie picked up a ball of newspaper and tossed it at Jenny. “You’re going to break something, Jamie!” I shouted, and he sighed, dropping his hands to his side. 

“Aye aye, captain,” he grinned, and stuck his tongue out at Jenny before returning outside. 

“What a ridiculous human being,” I sighed, but smiled nonetheless. 

++++++

We ordered pizza, and ate around the kitchen table after everything was officially moved in. It was our first meal in our new home, and we had all our family there — minus all of Jenny and Ian’s kids who were thankfully being watched by a babysitter. 

I knew Jamie had been a bit of nervous wreck all day until his piano had been carefully put down in the living room. I made him promise that from now on, he would play more often, to which he agreed since we now lived in our own house. 

Jamie and I waved goodbye to everyone as they left, and promised to invite them all over for a proper dinner once we got settled, one with something I cooked… or rather, Jamie cooked. 

“I call that a successful move in day,” Jamie sighed and wrapped his arms around me, as we stood in our living room. 

“Yes, quite. Now we just need to sort out more of the old furniture, and tomorrow I’ll unpack all of our clothes. Then of course there’s the garden out back that needs sorting, also -“

Jamie’s mouth pressed against mine, and I melted against him. “Sassenach,” he muttered on my lips, “Will ye relax?”

I kissed him back, letting my hands slide underneath his t-shirt. “Now I can.” Jamie kissed me again, one hand wound tightly in my thick curls. 

“Will ye make love to me, Sassenach? In our new house?” He laughed, dipping his head to kiss my neck. 

“Oh but where?” My eyelids fluttered as I felt his tongue on my skin, “We have so many options, so many rooms…” 

“How about in the kitchen?” Jamie giggled, _yes he giggled_ , and picked me bodily up into his arms, and carried me into the kitchen. 

“There’s boxes everywhere, Jamie!” I laughed, kicking my legs out. 

“I’ll set ye down then,” he placed me on top of small island in the middle of the kitchen. Then he went to work, taking down box after box and carefully, but quickly setting them on the ground. “Aye, ready.” 

I smirked, and hooked one leg around his waist and made a ‘come forward’ motion with my finger. Jamie fit perfectly between my parted legs, and snaked a hand along my thigh, pushing up the fabric of my dress. 

“Someone’s impatient,” I growled in his ear, and squirmed as his hands slid the fabric up and over my body. He stood back briefly to remove my bra and panties, they fell to the tiled floor with a soft thud. 

“Someone wants his soon-to-be wife,” he grinned, and then licked my nose playfully. Jamie’s hands cupped my bare arse, angling me just so. I found his zipper and had his cock free in seconds. As I leaned in to his chest, I could smell the saltiness of his sweat from the day’s move. I pulled off his t-shirt, and replaced it with my flattened tongue on his chest hair. 

Moaning, I felt his vibrations against my mouth, and giggled. This caused him to remove my hand from his cock, and take matters into his own hands. 

“If that’s how it’s goin’ to be lass,” Jamie smirked, and pushed himself forward, sliding his throbbing cock into my wet slit. 

“Christ,” I sighed, hooking one arm loosely around his neck and tried to balance on the edge of the countertop. Jamie’s large hands covered the expanse of my bare back, holding me upright and steady. 

“I plan to christen every surface of this house by the end of the week, Sassenach.” Jamie grunted, and rolled his hips in time with mine. 

“Is that so?” I smirked, and then leaned forward to capture his lip between my teeth. He let out a deep growl, and snaked his tongue across my lips. 

“Oh aye,” he grinned, and then he was laying me down against the island, and I shivered at the feeling of the cool wood underneath my back. His hands gripped the backs of my thighs and Jamie lifted my legs so that they were raised in the air and propped on his chest. “I want to look at ye, Claire.” 

My heart felt like it was about to burst at the sight of him, my love. Jamie’s eyes never left my own as he continued to move his hips and thrust home. His hand snaked it’s way over my flat stomach and up toward my breasts, nipples hard with anticipation of my climax. 

“Jamie,” I moaned, arching my back off the counter and shutting my eyes tightly. My body began to tremble, and I felt his hands lifting me up and Jamie cradled me to his chest as I came. Moments later, Jamie was spilling himself inside of me, his grip tightened instantly and then his arms loosened as he relaxed. 

He stood there for a time, still joined with me, just stroking my back. Every so often he would twist a short curl in his fingers, and then glide his fingers over my bare shoulder. I was just about to suggest we move to the bedroom when a loud noise interrupted my thoughts. 

_CUCKOO! CUCKOO!_

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” I shouted, startling Jamie once again as the bird from the grandfather clock continued to make noise. 

“Sassenach…” Jamie laughed, in his surprise he had come unjoined with me and was now standing opposite me with both hands on his hips. “We canna keep that damn thing in this house!” 

I started to laugh and then I started to uncontrollably snort with enjoyment of watching Jamie, completely naked, walk over to the clock in the living room and push it toward the door. 

“Jamie! Where are you taking that? You’re stark naked, lad.” I reminded him and at once he stopped pushing. 

“Aye, it seems I am thanks to ye.” He smirked, “I suppose this will wait for morning, but we arena keepin’ this in the house. If I’m to be startled like that every hour, I will have a heart attack and die!” 

I laughed, and jumped down from the counter, not bothering with clothes. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I looked up at Jamie. “Of course we’ll get rid of it. I honestly don’t know where my parents found it, but my father was just the same as you!” I smiled, “He always gasped or spilled his coffee early in the mornings, as if he’d forgotten about the wee bird in the night.” 

“Yer father and I woulda got on verra well, Sassenach.” Jamie pulled me in close to his chest, passing me the warmth of his body. 

“You would have, yes.” I pressed my ear to listen to the sound of his heart.

 

> _“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” My father shouted from the kitchen. I ran down the stairs as fast as my eight year old legs would allow._
> 
> _“What’s wrong dad?” I asked, but then realized he had spilled his hot coffee down the front of his white shirt. “Oooo, again?”_
> 
> _“It’s that chirping clock, bean.” My dad set his cup on the counter, smiled over at me and then started to wipe up the spilled coffee with a kitchen towel. “I don’t know why your mother insists on keeping that thing here, but one day when we come here for the summer holidays, that clock will have disappeared!”_
> 
> _I laughed, looking over at the old grandfather clock in question. “Why don’t we just get rid of it now?” I raised my eyebrows._
> 
> _“Hmmm, your mother isn’t home, who’s to say it didn’t fall over and we had to dispose of the pieces?” My dad gave me a wink, and then took my hand, leading me into the little living room._
> 
> _He put both his hands on the clock, assessing it’s weight and how he was to manage getting this very large clock out of the house. Looking inside the clock, my father paused, and opened the glass door. He pulled out a pearl ring that belonged to my mother._
> 
> _I eyed the ring with curiosity, and tried to appear innocent._
> 
> _“And what’s your mother’s ring doing at the bottom of the clock, bean?” My dad said, with a smirk on his lips._
> 
> _“Well, you see…” I smiled my brightest smile, “I was playing with it and then mum came home, so I stashed it away in the clock. I forgot all about it.”_
> 
> _“Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser.” My father quoted a line from my favorite book, ‘Alice in Wonderland’. “Your mum hasn’t asked about it, perhaps we shall just put it back in the clock then,” he winked, setting the pearl ring back where I had hidden it._
> 
> _“Aren’t we going to move the clock?” I asked then._
> 
> _“I think your mother would have a word or two with me if it disappeared, I’m afraid and I would very much like to sleep in the same bed as her tonight and not on the couch!” He laughed._
> 
> _“Come on then, Claire bear, let’s get you some breakfast in that little belly,” my dad lunged for me and picked me up, tickling my stomach while he carried me back into the kitchen._

 

I let go of Jamie, and walked over to stand in front of the clock near the door now. “I wonder…” 

The door opened easily enough, and I reached my hand inside, immediately finding what I’d hoped was still there after all this time. 

“What is it, Sassenach?” Jamie said as he approached me from behind. 

I pulled out my mother’s pearl ring, a little dusty from years of sitting at the bottom of the clock. “My mother’s ring. I used to play with it as a little girl and I’d hidden it in here one day when she came home.” 

“Funny that ye remembered,” Jamie held out his palm to me, and I dropped the ring into it. “’Tis beautiful, Claire. Ye should wear it, as a memory of yer mother.” 

“It was one of her favorite rings, perhaps she always suspected that I had taken it,” I laughed, but held out my right hand to Jamie, who slid the ring easily over my finger. 

He brought my hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss against the ring. “Perfect fit, Sassenach.” 

“Now I have two rings, and you don’t have any.” I smiled, placing both of my ringed hands on his chest. 

“I’ll have one soon enough, Sassenach.” Jamie kissed me, then placed his chin on the top of my head. “Soon, _mo nighean donn_.” 


	17. Year Two - June 16, 2015

I took a sip of my champagne, smiling as Jenny stepped down from the small stage after her speech. Asking her to help with the wedding had been the best decision since she was so practical about what we did and didn’t need. Like the fairy lights that were hanging above our heads outside in the backyard of Lallybroch, _a necessity_ , she demanded. 

Jamie rose from his chair beside me, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before walking towards the stage. _Oh God, was he going to make a speech?_

My insides turned to liquid though as I saw him pick up a guitar from the side, and placed the strap around his body. He met my eye and smiled, giving me a version of a wink before stepping up to the mic. 

“Hello everybody,” he grinned, and shouts and claps followed. “I ken my new bride gets easily embarrassed when anyone talks about her, especially to a crowd.” My cheeks blushed a bright red, and I buried my face in my hands, grinning at his words. “So I’m no goin’ to be talkin’ about her… I’m goin’ to be singing a song for her.” 

More shouts and claps from the crowd around me echoed through my ears, but my attention was only on Jamie. He hadn’t told me he was planning a song, let alone singing it in front of everyone. As far as I knew… Jamie had never sang in front of anyone but me. 

“This is a song by Drew Holcomb and it’s called ‘Live Forever’.” When he said the title of the song, I gasped quietly. I felt a hand on my arm, and I turned in my seat to see Jenny offering me a tissue which I gladly accepted. 

“He’s been plannin’ this for months, Claire.” Jenny smiled. 

I knew my voice would fail me, so I only smiled warmly back at her, then turned to face Jamie as he strummed the first notes on the guitar. 

_“Laughter is the only thing that'll keep you sane_

_In this world that's crying more and more everyday_

_Don't let evil get you down_

_In this madness spinning round and round”_

His voice was strong, and his eyes never left mine. It was as if we were the only two people there, the only two people in the entire world. 

_“I want you to live forever_

_Underneath the sky so blue.”_

_++++++_

This morning I woke up alone in one of the many beds at Lallybroch. Jamie had been the one to insist that we sleep separately the night before the wedding. And while it was almost impossible to sleep without him next to me, I was selfishly glad to be alone, if only to gather my thoughts. 

I sat up slowly, stretching my calves, pointing and flexing my toes under the covers. Sleepily, I ran a hand through my curls which almost touched my shoulder. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly my hair had grown back — it was a bit darker in color actually, which was something I had heard of happening after chemo. 

My dress was hanging up in the closet, my shoes were set out, ready for my feet to slide into. It was going to be a simple wedding, with only around fifty people invited — most were our close friends, Jamie’s family, my uncle of course and then our favorite work colleagues. 

Leaning over, I grabbed my phone off it’s charger, looking at the screen filled with five new messages from Jamie and one from Geillis. 

I read Geillis’ first, she had texted telling me she had just left and was on her way to help me get ready. Thank God for that because I had no skill with a makeup brush. 

Jamie had sent one message late last night that I’d missed and four all in a row this morning. 

**Jamie** : _Are you awake yet Sassenach?_

**Jamie** : _I couldn’t sleep without you_

**Jamie** : _…. If you aren’t awake in ten minutes, I’m coming to your room_

**Jamie** : _five minutes Sassenach…._

He had sent that last message four minutes ago, and when a knock came from my door, I jumped and sent my phone flying across the bed. 

“Jamie?” I asked. 

“No, it’s Geillis, let me in ye wee daftie.” She said and I heard the smile in her voice. I climbed out of bed, crossing the room to open the door for her. 

“I did stop yer lad in the hallway on the way to yer room.” She lifted a suspicious eyebrow, “He said somethin’ about needin’ a good luck kiss.” 

I laughed and gave her a hug. “It’s his own fault for setting rules he couldn’t follow himself.”

“Well, he’ll see ye soon enough. Now come and sit down in front of the mirror and I’ll try and tame that bird’s nest.” She smiled. 

“At least there’s a nest to tame,” I smiled as I sat down, then reached for her hand behind me. “Thank you… for everything, Geillis. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

“Dinna start with the mushy stuff, Claire. I think if I start cryin’, I’ll no be able to stop.” She wiped away a stray tear and took a deep breath. “Let’s get the bride ready for her weddin’ aye?”

An hour later, my hair was sprayed with product and pinned in place. My makeup was tastefully done, with nice summer colors to go with the season. The only thing left was to get dressed and wait for the wedding to start. 

“Step in lass,” Geillis instructed. I placed one foot and then the other into the puddle of lace and material, helping her pull up the gown around me. Even though it was summer — it was also Scotland, and so my dress had long sleeves made of lace, with buttons down the back. My shoes were a simple cream colored satin with a small heel, just enough but not too tall, that I felt like I would fall.

Once I was dressed, I walked to peer out the window, taking a look at all the guests that were starting to arrive. As I watched the people that I loved mingle and talk with one another, I suddenly felt very claustrophobic, even though I was standing in a very large room. 

“I don’t know if I can do this, Geillis…” I said quietly and she came to stand by my side. 

“Och, of course ye can. Everyone get’s nervous, ’tis alright, Claire.” She placed her hand on the small of my back in reassurance but it wasn’t helping. 

“I can’t marry him,” I turned to look at her, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. “What if the tumor comes back, what if I get sick again?” I cried, my chest constricting, my airway closing off. “What if I die? Geillis… I can’t —“

“I’m goin’ to get Jamie, dinna move an inch Claire.” She left the room quickly in search for my groom. As if I would actually be able to move at this precise moment. 

A few minutes later a knock came from the closed door. “Claire… it’s me. Can I come in?”

It took me a moment to register who was speaking but once I did, I snapped out of my panic and ran to the door, pressing my body weight against it. “No! It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.” 

“Ah, so ye still want to marry me then?” Jamie asked. 

I paused, unsure of how to answer. Of course I didn’t want to be without Jamie, that thought was unfathomable, but the fear of my illness coming back, leaving Jamie a widow…

“Claire,” he said softly, “Will ye at least crack the door so I can hold yer hand for a bit?”

In answer to this, I opened the door slowly and passed my hand over the threshold. “There,” I said. 

“Taing Dhia,” Jamie exhaled and took my hand. 

I wasn’t sure how long we stood there like that, taking solace in the quiet and comfort from one another’s touch. Only did Jamie let go of my hand when I told him I would see him downstairs. 

“At the altar, aye?” He said. 

“Of course, Jamie. I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled, though he couldn’t see it. 

“I love ye, mo ghraidh.” Jamie said. 

“And I love you, Jamie.” I replied and with that, my groom left to take his place outside. Geillis returned seconds later, giving me a hug. With a final check, we determined that my hair was perfect and my makeup only need a light touch up. 

“Ye’re goin’ to be just fine lass, yer man is watin’ for ye.” Geillis said, and my heart fluttered at the thought. 

I took a deep breath before walking out into the hallway and found Lamb standing at the top of the stairs. 

“My God,” he took both my hands in his, “You’re stunning, Claire. You make the most beautiful bride.” He embraced me in a tight hug. “I know your parents would be very happy for you, and I know I’m not a replacement for my brother, but I’m glad to be here on your special day.” 

I blinked quickly to deter the fresh tears at the mention of my parents. “Thank you Lamb,” I pulled him in for another quick hug. “Shall we?”

He wrapped my arm in his, and together we walked down the large staircase. Just before the doors opened outside, Geillis straightened my dress before taking her place behind Jenny. They were my only two bridesmaids, but they were all I needed. My heart began to make a steady thud as I heard the music swell outside. It felt like it was all happening so quickly and yet time itself seemed to stop as the doors opened and I stepped outside. 

He was there, at the end of the aisle waiting for me. My Scot. Jamie. Dressed in full highland regalia, he was quite an impressive sight to behold. Adorned with kilt, dress shirt and sporran, he was the man of my dreams. 

I clutched onto Lamb’s arm as tight as I could, and he gave my hand a gentle pat. My eyes never left Jamie’s. I knew I should look at all the guests that had come to see us, but they could wait. 

My hands were shaking as Lamb gave me over to Jamie. “Hello, Sassenach,” He grinned warmly, taking my hands in his which were also shaking a little. We were in this together now, til death do us part. 

++++++

Jamie finished the song, and near the end his voice began to tremble. Tears of my own fell down my cheeks as I watched my new husband cry on stage. As he finished the last note, I stood from the table and met him in the middle of the small dance floor, wrapping my arms around his neck to kiss him. 

Cheers flew up all around us, and that made Jamie only pull me against his body harder, letting his hands slide down over my arse. I jumped and pulled back, swatting at his hands. I heard Ian shout, “Get him, Claire!” And I laughed until my sides hurt. 

“Will ye dance wi’ me, my lady?” Jamie asked, and I agreed. Our arms were already wrapped around each other, and so we began to sway gently back and forth as the band started to play. 

“Are you happy, Mrs. Fraser?” He grinned, kissing me before I answered. 

“If I said I wasn’t?” My eyebrows shot up. 

Jamie bit his bottom lip, looking down at me, “If ye werena happy, I would have to take ye around behind that wee bush over there, and see how happy I could make ye.” 

I knew he would do it too, make love to me on our wedding day behind a bush, with all our guests only feet away. 

“I’m happy!” I smiled, “Very, extremely, incandescently happy!” 

“Damn.” He frowned, “I suppose I’ll have to wait til everyone’s gone then to have my way wi’ ye.” Jamie kissed me again. 

“You better behave yourself, Mr. Fraser.” 

“How can I, wi’ ye lookin’ so good in that wee dress of yers?” He said, his eyes now a dark shade of blue. 

“You’ll only have to wait another hour I think, it’s customary for the bride and groom to leave before everyone else is it not?” 

“Aye, but usually they leave the place and dinna go inside the same house that some of the guests will be staying at that night.” Jamie laughed, tightening his grip on my waist. 

“I told you we could have gotten a hotel for a few nights before we fly out on our honeymoon…” I replied. 

“Aye, ye did. But I said I wanted our first night to be spent as a married couple at Lallybroch and I stand by it. It’s ye who will have to quiet yer wee noises as I ravish ye.” Jamie leaned in and placed a kiss just under my ear. My insides turned to jelly, and I felt my knees wobble. How was it that he was able to leave me turned on in a matter of seconds?

I spoke quietly, “How about we both go make the rounds of saying hello and goodbye to everyone, then we’ll ditch this place?” I quirked an eyebrow. 

“Sounds like a verra good plan to me, Sassenach.” Jamie kissed me, holding me tight until the song ended. We both turned in opposite directions, thanking each of our guests for coming. 

I only paused long enough to talk with Mary Hawkins, who was sitting at her table with Glenna. “Mary! I’m so happy that you could attend,” I bent down to hug her in her wheelchair. 

“S-so am I, Claire. This has been the most fun evening I’ve had in a long time,” she grinned. I was just glad she was here, I knew it was a slim chance considering her failing health. I spoke with her and Glenna for a few minutes, but then saw Jamie out of the corner of my eye giving me a knowing look. 

He looked absolutely delicious in his kilt, and what I wanted right now was to see him out of it. Somehow we managed to escape the crowd, bidding farewell to our guests and practically ran up the stairs to our room.

As soon as the door was shut, Jamie had his mouth pressed against mine and his hands fumbling with the buttons on my dress. I turned so he had easier access and he cursed in Gaelic, “The damn wee things.” 

I laughed, sighing as the last button was undone and let the dress fall to the ground around my feet. Jamie placed his hands on my hips, hooking his fingers into my panties and pulling them down to my ankles. I stepped out of them and my shoes. 

“I feel very underdressed Mr. Fraser,” I smiled, facing him. 

“’Tis what I expect ye to be wearin’ on our honeymoon, Sassenach.” He grinned, his hands shrugging off his jacket and pulling his shirt out of his kilt. 

“I don’t think the people at _Harry Potter World_ will appreciate a naked woman walking around and sitting next to them on the rides,” I laughed. 

“Och, yer probably right. Why didn’t we choose somewhere wi’ less people?” Jamie took off his boots and socks, then pulled the belt off around his waist. When his hand went to his kilt to pull it off, I stopped him. 

“Maybe you could leave that on… just once.” I smirked and walked backwards, laying myself out on the bed. 

Jamie lowered his head, and moved forward, coming to hover over my body. “Ye wee vixen,” he smirked. 

“I’ve always wanted to know if the saying was really true,” smiling, I reached under his kilt to find his cock hard and throbbing, “and I guess it is.” 

He growled deeply in his chest, grabbing both my arms and pinning them above my head. We had been burning for each other all night long, unable to touch each other in the way that we wanted. The wool of his kilt was scratchy along my stomach and thighs as he thrust home and began to push forward. 

I held on to him, shaking in the pleasure his body gave me. It was a quick exchange, but it left us both breathless and wanting more. Jamie rolled us over on our sides, and he cupped my cheek. 

“Ye ken that vow I made ye when we learned about yer brain tumor?” Jamie said softly, one hand resting on top of my head. 

“You are blood of my blood,” I repeated those words we had spoken so long ago. 

“Aye, and bone of my bone.” Jamie said. 

Looking into each other’s eyes, we said the last lines together, “I give you my body, that we two might be one. I give you my spirit, til our life shall be done.” 

“I love you, Claire. So much it breaks my heart,” Jamie kissed me. 

“I love you, Jamie Fraser. For all of my days, I will love you.” He held me to his chest, and I felt safe in his arms. Later during that night we would make love several times, but it was enough to just touch him, run my hands over his chest and feel the steady beat of his heart. I felt my own heart beat in time with his, my reminder that I was alive. 


	18. Year Two - June 21st, 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy honeymoon Frasers!

My mind entered back into the world of reality when I felt a gentle nudge against my back. Trying my best, I pushed away the hand that kept pushing me and when it wouldn’t stop, I rolled over to face it. 

“C’mon sleepyhead,” Jamie whispered, his lips a breath away from mine. “It’s Harry Potter day!” 

Mumbling something that sounded like a mix between, “I’m too tired,” and “Go away,” I rolled over on to my face to shut out the light that was streaming in through the window. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie said, sitting down beside me and laying a hand on my arse, “I ken yer tired… that’ll be the jet lag. But there’s a butterbeer in it for ye if ye get up.” 

“Butterbeer?” I said into the pillow. 

“Aye, hot butterbeer, cold butterbeer, however ye like it, _mo nighean donn_. But ye have to get up!” Jamie smacked my arse and I jumped. With a deep sigh, I sat up slowly, rubbing my hands over my eyes. 

“That’s step one,” Jamie smirked, and I looked over at him, standing at the end of the bed with a towel around his waist. My mouth watered at the sight, and I wanted nothing more than to tear it off him. 

“When did you take a shower?” I asked, putting both feet over on the side of the bed. 

“After I got back from the gym.” 

“Bloody hell, Jamie.” I laughed, “It’s our honeymoon for one and we only got in yesterday afternoon… how did you manage to wake up early?”

“Jet lag has the opposite effect on me, Sassenach. I dinna feel tired at all!” He practically sang as he went back into the steamy bathroom to change. 

“Sodding hero,” I muttered to myself as I bent to pick up my clothes for the day. It was both of our idea to come to the _Wizarding World of Harry Potter_ for our honeymoon rather than some isolated beach hut in the Caribbean. And while I was extremely excited to spend the day at Universal Studios and then three days at the parks at Disney, I was very much looking forward to the last leg of our honeymoon just relaxing at our hotel. 

Jamie had somehow arranged for us to have the Presidential Suite at the Four Seasons Resort. The giant king sized bed was part of the reason I was struggling to get up and ready this morning. 

I knew coming to Orlando at this time of the year, summer, was possibly the stupidest idea… especially since Jamie and I were not accustomed to the heat. I grabbed my high waisted black _Levi’s_ and paired it with my favorite Hufflepuff t-shirt I had ordered online a few years ago. If we were lucky, we wouldn’t do _too_ much damage in the shops today. 

Twenty minutes later, both Jamie and I were ready to start the day. It was about an hour later than I wanted to start, but we would still have plenty of time to get everything done. Jamie had grumbled when I told him to pack shorts for the trip, insisting that he would be just fine wearing his jeans. But when he stood at the door of our room, waiting for me to leave, I noticed his white scotsman legs poking out of a pair of denim shorts. 

“Dinna say anythin’, Sassenach,” He smirked, his cheeks and ears turning bright pink. 

“I won’t!” I threw up my hands, “I won’t.” He kissed me deeply before lightly smacking my bum and sending me out the door. 

++++++

When we finally got through the massive queue, and made our way to the entrance of _Diagon Alley_ , I was speechless. Before you even entered, there was the purple night bus from The Prisoner of Azkaban, and then you could see Sirius Black’s house with Kreature peeping through the window. Jamie held my hand as we walked through the brick wall that led into Diagon Alley and I’m pretty sure he had tears in his eyes. 

“Are you crying, Jamie?” I smiled, squeezing his hand and cupping his face with my hand. “You’re so cute.” 

“Aye, maybe I am cryin’ a wee bit,” he sniffed. “I read the books growing up and of course watched the movies. It’s just…” 

“Magical,” I finished. 

“Exactly, Sassenach. Magical,” he kissed me and then we made our way down the long alley, taking everything in. 

It was just how I pictured it would be. And I truly felt like I was in the movie — everything was so authentic. It didn’t take us very long before we ended up in one of the shops, looking at the robes and different memorabilia. 

I let Jamie look through all of the Gryffindor stuff while I browsed the Hufflepuff section. The robes did look quite enticing, but not for one hundred dollars, so I quickly put that back on the rack. There were lots of little trinkets, from gloves, hats, bookmarks and even ornaments. Journals, sweaters, quidditch gear and replicas of just about anything you could ever want from the movies. 

There wasn’t anything that I wanted from the Hufflepuff section, already satisfied with my own shirt I was wearing, but a sweater near the door caught my eye. It was just like the handmade knit sweater that Mrs. Weasley gave to Harry for Christmas, with a big ‘H’ on the front. The price wasn’t terrible… and this was our honeymoon. 

I walked back over to Jamie, sweater in hand, knowing he would make fun of me for picking out something I couldn’t even wear for several months. He was easy to spot, standing at 6 foot 4, with fiery red hair — looking at the Gryffindor robes. 

“I doubt they have one big enough for you,” I smirked, coming to stand beside him. 

“Och, they don’t.” He laughed, “I already looked.” 

“Then why are you still staring at it?”

“Well… ye might think me silly for it,” he said softly, sheepishly looking down at me. 

I pinched his side and he squirmed out of my touch. “What?”

Jamie reached for a robe, a small child sized robe and held it up. “I was only thinkin’, what if got one for our bairn?” 

“Our child that we don’t even have yet?” I looked up at him and then back at the robe, “Might never have.” 

“I told ye it was silly,” he started to put the robe back on the hook, but I stopped him, grabbing his hand. 

“It’s not, Jamie. It’s very sweet.” I smiled and stood on my toes to kiss him. “That’s a very lovely idea. An expensive one, but lovely nonetheless.” 

“Really? Then are ye okay with gettin’ a Gryffindor robe for the wee thing? I ken ye might prefer the Hufflepuff, but Sassenach… yellow?” He grimaced and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Yes, it’s fine. I’m sure our child will possess all the stubborn, brave qualities that a Gryffindor has anyways. Let’s get it!” Jamie kissed me again, his smile wide and his teeth clashing against mine. I loved to see him so happy, I would honestly do anything for him to see him so. He had helped me through the darkest time of my life, and I promised to myself to see that he was happy and well loved for the rest of his days because of it. 

++++++

After we bought the sweater and little robe, we ventured back out to the alley, taking a look at everything else. There was a ride in Gringotts bank that was incredible, and thankfully the line wasn’t too long - for once - and so we managed to ride it twice. My stomach was rumbling as soon as we got off the ride the second time, which was our queue to find the Hogwarts Express and make our way to Hogsmeade to eat at the Three Broomsticks. 

Jamie cried at the entrance of Diagon Alley, but I cried when we stepped onto Platform 9 3/4. The train was just as it was in the movie, red and beautiful and magical all in one. We boarded the train and I settled into Jamie, his arm wrapped around me. The tears came when we started moving and the window to our left showed the trip to Hogwarts castle. 

“Dinna cry, Sassenach.” Jamie wiped a tear from my cheek, smiling. “Tis no a scary train,” he laughed and I nudged my elbow into his side. 

“Shut it, Fraser.” 

“Okay, Mrs. Fraser,” Jamie said, and kissed me on the lips much to my objection because I didn’t want to offend the sweet elderly couple sitting opposite us. 

The first thing we did was line up to get food, and when we stepped inside, my heart leapt for joy. The restaurant felt like I had come home. It was cozy, with tall ceilings and magical elements all around. And I think I made an orgasmic sound when I took my first sip of butterbeer, getting the foam all over my upper lip. 

“That’s a good look on ye, Sassenach,” Jamie laughed, pulling out his phone to snap a picture. 

I wiped my mouth and then took another sip. “We haven’t taken any selfies of us! Let’s do it by the castle.” 

“Aye, sounds like a plan. Now… eat up!” 

++++++

The highlight of both of our days was definitely seeing the Hogwarts Castle in person. The way they built it made it feel like you were actually there, walking into the school. The ride was a bit scary, with spiders jumping out at you and dementors flying in your face, but I smiled the entire time, squeezing Jamie’s hand as tight as I could. 

I think we were both thankful that Universal didn’t stay open too late, unlike Disney, because we were both spent. We hadn’t even ridden many rides, but just the feel of the park was overwhelming, because it was like all your dreams had come true. 

Of course, we didn’t make it out of the park before each buying a wand. Jamie (the lucky bastard), was chosen in Ollivander’s wand shop, and got to do a demonstration just like Harry in the film, with the lights flickering and wind rising all around. 

He ended up buying the wand that had “chosen” him, absolutely besotted with it, while I chose Hermonie’s wand. Jamie was like a little kid, moving it about while we walked to the car. 

“Swish and flick,” he flicked his wand in the air and I couldn’t help but pull out my phone and secretly film him. He was never living this down. 

“Sassenach, are ye really tired?” Jamie said the moment we got into the car. 

I yawned in response, and then laughed, covering my mouth. “I suppose I am.”

“Och, I was hopin’ ye weren’t,” he said, starting the car. 

“Why?"

“Well,” he looked over at me, one eyebrow raised. “I ken of a ride back at the hotel that I thought ye might like to have a go on?”

My cheeks blushed a deep pink, and I felt a deep burn in the pit of my stomach at his words. “I’m never too tired for that.” 

“Ye’ll find it worth yer time,” Jamie smirked, pulling my hand to his mouth and kissing it. 

_Dear God… please let all the lights be green._

_++++++_

We had barely made it through the door before I had Jamie pinned to the wall. His hands were at the buttons of my shorts, and I pressed into his body, feeling the warmth radiating off of him. His mouth felt like fire on my neck, leaving wet kisses behind. 

“I want ye so much I can scarcely breathe,” he sighed, sliding his hands up to cup both of my breasts over my t-shirt. 

“Then have me,” I moaned. My hands were at his pants, unzipping and pulling them down as fast as I could. Jamie did things to me, made me feel things that set me on fire. 

When the rest of our clothes were off and strewn on the ground, Jamie slid his hands over my arse and then lifted me around his waist, walking to the bed. I started to grind my hips against him, feeling his length against my belly. He wanted me just as badly as I wanted him. 

Keeping his promise, Jamie laid down on his back, letting me straddle him. I bent down, covering his body with mine and kissed him slowly, tasting his tongue with mine. I knew that there wouldn’t be a day that I wouldn’t crave him. My soul longed for his in every way possible. 

“ _Mo ghraidh_ ,” he said softly against my lips, pushing my hair back. “My wife.” 

Placing another deep kiss on his lips, I leaned up, taking his cock into my hand. “My husband,” I said softly and then I guided him inside of me, sinking down slowly. Once I had accommodated his size, I placed both hands on his chest, moving my hips against him. 

“Oh God,” he groaned, squeezing my hips with both hands. “Bein’ inside of ye…” 

I began a steady rhythm, slowly raising up and then sinking back down on him, pushing deeper every time. “Christ,” I moaned, leaning my head back, my curls just brushing my back. 

“Faster, Sassenach,” Jamie said, slapping my hip slightly. I gasped, looking down at him and saw a fire in his eyes. Biting my lip, I moved one hand behind me, placing it on his knee and began to move my hips faster, feeling his cock deep inside of me. It was almost too much, having him this way. I felt dizzy and light headed from it all, my belly burning and tightening with every thrust. 

“Harder,” he moaned loudly, his head falling back into the pillows and I started to cry out as he bounced me on his cock, not from pain, but from how good it felt. I had felt pain before, had lived with a tumor in my head for months and gone through chemo and fucking survived. I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to ride my husband with everything I had in me.

“Shit,” I sighed, feeling my orgasm overtake me and I couldn’t help but collapse on his chest as my body started to tremble. Jamie uttered several words in Gaelic before spilling himself into me, his breath hot against my head. 

I was too spent to move, my legs sore from riding him and I didn’t particularly want to be separated from him anyways. 

Jamie brought his hand to my back, his fingertips lightly grazing my skin, making goosebumps rise. 

“Are ye happy, Claire?” He asked a little while later, and I shifted so that I could look at his face. 

“Yes, of course I am,” I smiled, reaching my hand up to poke his nose. “How could I not be after… that.”

Jamie laughed, making my body shake on top of his. “Aye, tis good that I can serve ye well, Sassenach.” He moved his hand lightly over my shoulder blades while I stretched my legs out behind me, moaning slightly as I felt his cock still in me. 

“I only asked because I ken that sometimes after people go through something like ye did,” he said quietly, his face turned to the ceiling, “maybe ye would want to leave behind yer old life, anythin’ that reminds ye of yer sickness.” 

“It’s a little late for that, Jamie.” I held up my left hand with his ring on it. “Do you think I would do that? Leave you because you were part of my life before I got sick?”

He shrugged, then met my eyes. “I don’t think ye would, but I wanted to be sure.” 

“Jamie… I’m glad you were in my life before the tumor. You were the good that came out of it.” I kissed his chest and he slowly rolled us onto our sides, cradling me to him. “I don’t know what happiness is without you.” 

“Aye, me either, mo cridhe.” Jamie smiled, pressing his lips to mine. “I ken one day we will have a child of our own. It may take longer than we want, Sassenach. The child may not even be our blood, but one day.” 

“One day, James Fraser. I promise you,” he pulled me closer, and I kept my legs wrapped around him. 

I pressed my ear to his chest, and listened to the steady beat of his heart. Once I thought he had fallen asleep, I wiggled my way out of his grasp, easing him out from inside of me and climbed out of the bed. 

As quietly as I could in the dark, I searched for my phone in my bag, and finally pulled it out. My screen had lit up with an email from the adoption agency I had inquired about just a week ago while we had been in the car on the way back to the hotel. 

I took a look over at Jamie, still asleep with his hands over his stomach and then went into the bathroom, taking a seat on the edge of the tub. My heart started to race as I clicked on the email. Jamie and I had discussed adopting a child, but had only casually glanced at a website. I knew it was only the beginning of our marriage… literally, but I had friends who had been on the adoption list for five years. I hadn’t told Jamie that I had asked about putting our names on the list, only because I didn’t think they would respond so quickly, at least not before I had a chance to tell him.

_Dear Mrs. Fraser,_

_We are pleased to say that you and your husband’s name have been added to the list of adopting parents! When there is a child that fits into your certain criteria, we will inform you on the next steps. There is no guarantee that this will happen quickly once your name has been added, but it’s the first step to expanding your family. We look forward to communicating with you and your husband and wish you all the best._

I read the email over several times. It wasn’t exactly big news, like, “Hey, there’s a baby for you to adopt, come and bring him home!” But it was news. A beginning. Taking a deep breath, I returned to the bedroom, quietly sliding back into the bed with Jamie. He stirred as I settled into his arms, his eyes opening. 

“Where did ye go?” He said softly, smiling. 

“Just to pee,” I kissed the tip of his nose and he grinned, wrapping both arms around my waist and pulling my body tight against his. 

As soon as we woke up, I was going to tell him that our hopes of becoming parents was hopefully becoming a reality. With Jamie’s hand on my stomach, I drifted off to sleep — dreaming of spells and potions, babies and the start of our new life together. 


	19. Year Two - August 18th, 2015

I thought that the honeymoon phase would last longer than it did. 

Jamie and I had only been married a little more than two months, it’d been a year since I was tumor free and I was looking forward to going back to work twice a week next month. 

If only we hadn’t gone out to lunch to celebrate my tumor free brain. If only… _if only_ …

++++++

“What do you want to eat, Sassenach? Yer choice,” Jamie smiled as we walked out to the car. It was a beautiful day, and the first time this month that Jamie had spare time away from work to celebrate my diagnosis of being tumor free. 

“Hmmm, how about that little place on Home Street? With the really good pancakes!” Licking my lips in anticipation, I got in the passenger seat. 

“The cafe that ye stuffed yer face at?” Jamie laughed, starting the car and headed in the direction of Cafe Class. 

“I did not stuff my face!” I gasped, eyes wide. “The blueberry syrup was delicious yes, but I did _not_ stuff my face, I ate them in a graceful way.” Jamie laughed, his eyes crinkling like they always did when he was really happy. 

“I’m so happy, Sassenach… to be here wi’ ye,” he said a moment later, his left hand sliding over my knee. I brushed my finger over his ring, feeling the cool metal against my skin, blushing when I remembered our recent nuptials. 

“I’m very happy too, Jamie.” I placed a kiss on the back of his hand and his lips curved softly. I would never tire of seeing him smile. 

We got to the cafe and thankfully it wasn't busy, so we took the table nearest the window, looking out at the street. People watching was one of my favorite things to do — imagining their lives, the little details that make up a person. I was doing just this while I waited for our pancakes to arrive — Jamie had stepped outside to take a work phone call, mouthing “sorry” as he walked out the door. 

I was looking at a woman coming down the street, noticing how cute her jacket and shoes were, wondering where she got them from, when she stopped suddenly in front of Jamie. She pulled her sunglasses off, resting them on top of her head, short curly hair much like mine. My heart squeezed as Jamie saw her, muttered something into his phone, hung up and gave her a hug. A familiar, yet tense hug. 

My eyes were focused on them, unable to tear away my gaze until Jamie turned towards the window, pointing at me and I blushed, trying to make it look like I hadn’t just been gawking. Then my palms started to sweat as they both came through the door of the cafe — Jamie, kind as ever, holding the door open for her. 

I stayed seated, legs crossed, my left hand with my wedding ring resting on the top of the table. Jamie looked at me, his eyes wide and his ears pink. _Christ… who was this woman to him?_

I didn’t have to wait long to find out. 

“Hi, I’m Gia.” She stuck her small hand out and I shook it. My eyes shifted from her face to Jamie’s and I saw him shrug, as if his shirt were too tight. “You’re Claire, right?”

“Yes,” I found my voice. “Jamie’s wife.” I thought I saw her flinch slightly at the word _‘wife’_ but I could have been making things up. 

“Aye, Claire and I just got married in June!” Jamie chimed in. _About time lad._

Gia smiled, resting her hand on the back of Jamie’s arm, “Oh that’s great! Congratulations you two.” I wanted to yank her hand off of my husband’s arm, but I also didn’t want to cause a scene. The next words out of her mouth caught me so off guard, I knew if I had been standing, I would have fainted. 

“Hope your wedding went a lot better than ours did!” Gia laughed awkwardly, looking up at Jamie, but his eyes were fixed on me… gauging my reaction. 

I sat still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.

“It went just fine, thank you,” I replied shortly, crossed my arms over my chest, and bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears that would inevitably come. _Jamie was married before? To this woman?_

A million thoughts raced through my head, and I was too busy staring at my fingers in my lap to notice that Gia had left and Jamie was now standing in front of me. 

“Sassenach… we need to talk.” 

“Fuck you,” I said quietly for the sake of the people around us and stood up, brushing past him and nearly ran out the door, in a hurry to escape the nightmare that had become my life. 

++++++

Jamie found me sometime later, sitting on the same park bench that we had shared our first kiss at. _Why had I bloody come here of all places?_

Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks when I saw the tips of his shoes approach. He stood there, waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t have any words for him — no words at least, that would do any good. 

“Claire,” he took a step forward, his hand reaching under my chin, but I pushed it away, my stomach in knots at the feeling of his skin on mine. Only two months ago, we had promised to love one another, to not keep secrets, and to not tell lies. 

This was a secret I didn’t understand and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to get over. 

“Claire, please,” his voice wavered and I finally looked up to see his eyes red, full of tears of his own. “Talk to me.” 

“What do you want me to say?” I felt weak, as if every emotion I had ever felt in my life had been sucked out of me — a hollow shell. 

“Somethin’, anythin’… please tell me what’s goin’ on in that wee head of yers.” Jamie bent his legs, and fell forward onto his knees to the grass, his hand hovering to touch my knee, but he pulled back when he saw my expression. 

“You were m-married?” I stuttered on the last word. “For how long?”

Jamie took a deep breath and laughed. _Laughed!_ If we weren’t in a public place, I would have hit him against his chest, clawed at his skin, anything to make him hurt as he had hurt me by keeping this from me. 

“No, Sassenach. I wasna married to Gia, but we were engaged,” he sighed and rose to his feet, his fingers tapping against his thigh. I focused on his ring finger, trying to remember the vows he had made me, trying to remember the shit we had been through… anything that would help me to keep loving him. In this moment I very much wanted to hate him. 

“Then why did she say wedding as if it happened?” 

“Because…” he took a deep breath and muttered something in gaelic. “Because I left her at the altar.” 

I finally looked up at him, “What? Jamie… how could you do that to her? Why?”

Taking it as a good sign that I had made eye contact with him, Jamie came and took a seat next to me on the bench, still a good safe distance away however. 

“I ken it sounds bad, and I’m no proud of what I did. I’ll never forgive myself for it, but damn it, Sassenach… I dinna regret it!” Jamie grabbed my hand, shaking it slightly in his. “If I had never left the church that day, then I wouldna have met you.” 

I pulled back my hand firmly, squeezing it in my lap. “All this time though Jamie. Not just you… but your family, Jenny and Murtagh. Wait,” I paused, trying to do the math in my head. “When was this? Before or after the plane crash?”

“After.” 

“Jamie… how long ago,” I didn’t want to know but I knew I needed to.

“I knew Gia from university, that’s where we met,” Jamie said and leaned back against the bench as he began to tell me everything. “After the plane crash, I wasna myself. Once I recovered from most of the damage, I went back to school, but ye ken that I wasna speakin’ to Jenny and barely Murtagh.” 

I nodded, keeping my gaze transfixed on a butterfly on a flower nearby and Jamie continued. 

“Gia…” he sighed, and I could see him running his hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up in places. “She is the complete opposite of ye, Claire. I knew from our first date that she wasna my type and that I was only seein’ her to try and get away from the pain. After my Da —“ his words got stuck in his throat, and silently, without looking at him, I slid my hand across the bench, offering this small gesture and he took it, squeezing lightly. 

“Ye wouldn’t have liked who I was back then, Sassenach. I was bitter, and no a verra nice person. I ken I never shoulda proposed to her, but she kept talkin’ about weddin’s and well I didn’t see why not.” 

I wanted to cry at the soft touch of Jamie’s fingers on the palm of my hand. The same touch I had felt hundreds of times before. The same strong hands that had helped me when I felt weak and couldn’t get out of bed. 

“So you got all the way to the altar and then decided that was the best time to break it off?” I spat out, maybe a bit too harshly and I felt Jamie’s fingers pause on mine before continuing to trace patterns on my skin. 

“Aye. I did. I was a coward, Claire.” Jamie slid towards me on the bench, bringing my hand into his lap. I was too numb to move, to do anything but sit there and listen. “I met Gia five months after the plane crash, I was only nineteen and by my twentieth birthday, we had plans to be marrit. She hasna even met Jenny or Murtagh, mo ghraidh, that’s why they never said anything.” 

“So they don’t know about her either, Jamie?” I looked at him, more tears welling in my eyes. _Who was this man that I had married…_

His eyes were wide, sensing my doubt in him. “Christ, of course they know! I told them the day after I left Gia. I wasna willin’ to make amends wi’ them yet, but I needed them to know.” 

“Did Jenny yell at you?” I attempted a laugh, imagining what the fearsome Jenny Murray would think about all of this. 

“No. She only said she was sorry she couldna be there for me. The conversation wasna a long one, Claire.” He pulled my hand to rest over his heart and I looked at him, biting my bottom lip. “I’m so sorry.” 

“After everything we’ve been through Jamie… I just don’t understand why you never told me.” A single tear slid down my cheek and I felt it drop onto my lap, wetting my jeans. 

“There’s no good reason why I didna, Sassenach,” Jamie bent his head. “I am a coward, that’s all there is to it.” 

“I went through having a bloody fucking brain tumor and you don’t think the fact that you had almost been married to another woman was important to tell me? Yes, Jamie… you’re a coward.” I pulled my hand away and stood from the bench. 

“And to think,” I looked him in the eye. “We were so excited about getting on the adoption list,” I scoffed. “I wouldn’t dream of bringing a child into this… this web of lies!” Turning to leave, I prayed that Jamie wouldn’t follow me, but a larger part of me, the weaker part of me, wanted him to run after me and hold me in his arms, begging me to forgive him. 

I made it all the way back to the car in front of the cafe, and with no sign of Jamie, I climbed in and headed home, my heart in pieces. 

++++++

**_August 18th, 2015_**

**_5:08pm_ **

I walked around for hours after Claire had left me at the park. The moment she called me a coward, her eyes no longer holding that spark I had come to love, I knew… she would never forgive me for this.

Or at least not easily.

Checking my phone every ten minutes, with no new messages from Claire, I steadied myself and started walking in the direction of our house. There was more she needed to know, and I hoped she would hear me out. 

The water was on in the bathroom, most likely Claire runnin’ herself a bath. I didn’t want her to be shocked at my arrival home, so I slammed the door a little louder than normal and waited in the doorway until I heard the sound of the faucet creak and stop. 

I walked down the hallway, past pictures of our life together. We’d only known each other for twenty months, but already those twenty months were the best of my life — no matter the hardships we had endured early on. Claire wasn’t in the bedroom, but I saw the bathroom door cracked open, steam drifting out. 

“Sassenach, are ye in there?”

“Go away, Jamie. I can’t do this right now.” She didn’t sound like herself, not like my Sorcha.

“Please, ye dinna even need to come out of the bathroom, Claire. I just need to say somethin’ and then I’ll go and stay wi’ Jenny and Ian tonight.” I waited for her and let out a sigh of relief when she opened the bathroom door, padded across the room and took a seat on the bed. 

“Go ahead, then.” 

“I thought of tellin’ ye, Claire.” I walked over to her, sitting on my knees in front of her, ready to beg for her forgiveness. “I did. I almost told ye once, but then ye got diagnosed wi’ yer tumor and things happened so quickly after that.” 

“You’re using my tumor as an excuse for your cowardice?” She rolled her eyes, biting her lip. 

“No! Christ, no I’m not. It’s just that I didna want to cause ye more pain. Claire… be honest wi’ me, would ye have wanted me to tell ye about this when ye were ill?”

She took a deep breath, folding her robe tighter around her body. “No. But, I got better a year ago, Jamie. What about then?”

“I can’t give you a reasonable explanation other than as time went on, and the happier you became, I couldn’t dream of crushin’ ye, of hurtin’ ye,” my heart was racing, pounding out of my chest. I didn’t know what I would do if Claire couldn’t forgive me. 

“I can try and understand that,” she looked down at me, her eyes and cheeks wet and it broke my heart to see her so. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms and promise to never hide anything from her ever again. 

“Thank ye, Sassenach I —“

“I said try, Jamie. I didn’t say that I do or that I ever will.” 

“Please, mo nighean, I’m a foolish man and I ken I’ve kept a secret from ye when we promised there would be no such thing between us.” I moved forward, gently resting my hand on her ankle. “But I didna marry her… I married you.” 

Claire made a sound then that broke my heart completely. A sob like none I had ever heard from her, not even when she was in the most pain from her chemo. I looked up at her to see her shoulders shaking, tears freely flowing down her cheeks. I didn’t care if she tried to push me away, I rose to my feet and gathered her in my arms, sitting down on the bed and cradled her to my chest. 

“Shhh,” I said through tears of my own. “I love you, mo cridhe, it’s you I chose and it’s ye who I’ll choose everyday.” 

She buried her head into my neck, body still trembling. 

“Claire, we’ve been through so much to let this come between us, I’m beggin’ ye lass,” I cried, my voice shaking. “Please forgive me for a mistake I made when I was an idiot. Christ —“ 

Her hand came to cup my face, and I weeped at the feel of her touch. “I dinna deserve ye, Claire.” 

“No,” she whispered. “You don’t.” Her arms came around my neck then and I rose from the edge of the bed and laid her down, and then curled my body around hers. “Just hold me, Jamie. We’ll work this out tomorrow, but for now… just don’t let me go.” 

That night, I cried until I had no more tears left to give and held her in my arms, thanking God that she hadn’t cursed my name and sent me out to the streets. Hours later, a small wet nose tickled the back of my neck and Annie, the furry wee beast crawled over my body to lay next to Claire, resting her head against her. Animals are loyal creatures… humans — they are flawed, and broken creatures. 


	20. Year Two - August 26th, 2015

The last eight days had been the loneliest days I had ever felt in Jamie’s presence. While we occupied the same space, slept in the same bed — we weren’t really… together. At least not as a newly married couple should be. 

He hadn’t actually married the woman. Jamie had married _me_. But that knowledge, no matter how much of a comfort it truly was, didn’t stop the worrying and fears that he had kept other things from me, simply because I was sick.

_What lengths do you go to to protect the one you love?_

Jamie had been a ghost of himself since the night he held me in his arms and we had both wept. He was being extra attentive, making sure to be the first one awake, coffee ready on the counter on the days I went to work. 

I would forgive him from keeping the truth from me for so long, I knew I would, but I needed more time. To be quite honest, I had already forgiven him for anything he could or would ever do, but the shock of meeting another woman who had come so close to being his wife still hadn’t worn off. 

Thankfully, I was back working at the hospital two days a week and today was one of those days. I needed to clear my mind, focus on treating patients and get back doing what I loved and had missed for so long. 

I had only been months away from completing my residency with a speciality on general surgery. Now that I was back, I was switching my speciality to oncology, as I had spent the majority of my time in chemo thinking about helping patients like me. This of course meant adding time to my residency, but thankfully not completely starting over. 

Geillis knew something was wrong from the moment I walked into the hospital, and she’d kept her questions to herself. But now, sitting across the table from me at lunch, she was almost bursting to know what was going on. 

“Jamie told me something the other day,” I moved my fork around in my salad, losing my appetite once again. 

She leaned forward, her elbows on the top of the small table, “What kind of somethin’, lass? I ken it wasna good news?”

“I trust you not to tell anyone, Geillis. I feel if I don’t talk about it with someone, I’ll just combust!” I sighed heavily, shoving my fork aside and crossed my arms over my chest. 

“Spit it out, Claire! Yer makin’ me think that Jamie’s got another woman!” She laughed and then stopped when she saw my face — lips pressed firmly together, eyes baggy and tired from crying. 

“It’s not quite like that, but it bloody feels close,” I took a deep breath. “Jamie and I had breakfast last week in town, and he stepped out to take a work call. Everything was fine, we were celebrating my one year anniversary of being done with chemo and I was about to eat pancakes.” 

Geillis chuckled and then nodded for me to continue. 

“Then a woman came walking down the street and stopped in front of Jamie, gave him a hug and they both came inside. This woman…” I clenched my fists, biting my cheek slightly to keep bay the tears. “She was Jamie’s fiancé, from nearly six years ago.”

“Christ, lass. Was she at least ugly?” She snorted and I kicked her chair with the tip of my foot. 

“No, she was beautiful! And here’s the thing… she wasn’t just his fiancé, Geillis. Jamie left her at the altar.” I felt a wave of new emotions crash over me, a single tear slid down my cheek. “I just… I feel like I don’t know him,” I sniffed. “Or at least, not all of him, not the parts of him that he used to be.” 

“Claire,” Geillis put her hand on my arm gently, “Did he tell ye why he left her?”

I nodded, wiping away the tears that came more freely. I never cried at work, especially not over personal things. “He did. And I understand most of his reasoning, but I just — what else has he kept from me, Geillis?”

“Oh lass,” Geillis pushed the hair back from my face, “I ken ye dinna trust him right now, because the news is so fresh in yer mind, but yer lad is one of the good ones. Ye marrit him didn’t ye?” 

That made me smile, and I knew she was right. Jamie is one of the good ones, one of the best ones and he had been there for me during the hardest time in my life. Of course, I knew what I had to do next, but I was just as stubborn as my husband and I would be dragging my feet all the way home. 

++++++

Jamie was sitting on the couch when I arrived home from the hospital. He was reading a book, his glasses perched on his nose and Annie and Adso were curled up beside him. It took everything in me not to repress my hurt feelings and cuddle him on the couch. 

His head turned as the door closed behind me and his answering smile nearly broke my heart. Jamie was never one to hide his feelings from me, but I could tell he was restraining himself… giving me space. 

“How was work today?” He sat up, placing the book on the coffee table near a steaming cup of tea. 

Walking in, I tossed my purse in a nearby chair and sat down on the other end of the couch, welcoming Annie who came to lick my hand. “It was good,” I said quietly. “Really good actually.” 

“That’s good,” he said and then moved to get up from the couch with protests from Adso. 

“Jamie, wait,” I said making him pause on the way to the kitchen.

He looked over at me, biting my lip and came back over to the couch, still standing. 

“Will you sit down? I would like to talk to you,” I offered my warmest smile, letting him know this wouldn’t be a fight. “Please.” 

“Aye,” he smiled then, breathing out a sigh of relief that made my stomach clench and sat back down. “I’ll tell ye anythin’ ye want to know, Sassenach, I promise.” 

Nodding, I stroked Annie’s fur slowly, keeping my focus on her as I started to organize my thoughts. Jamie was silent, sitting on the edge of the couch as he waited patiently for me to speak. 

“Okay,” I began. “First, I need to know more about what you were like — after the crash. I think it will help me understand why you decided to get engaged so quickly to a woman you didn’t really love.” 

Jamie turned his body to me, and again, all I wanted to do was curl up under his arm and stay there forever. He was wearing my favorite shirt of his, a faded _Coldplay_ t-shirt from when he saw them a few years ago. I had worn that very shirt many times, usually after a late night in bed, our limbs intertwined. 

“I wasn’t — myself,” he squinted his eyes as if remembering. “People change, ye ken, Sassenach. After I learned that my Da had passed, I truly thought it was my fault and somethin’ shifted in me… a hardness.” 

“I didn’t speak much wi’ Jenny and Murtagh as ye ken and when I finally was recovered from physical therapy, left wi’ only the scars on my back, I went back to school.” He ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up in places. “I had known Gia before the crash, she was in a few of my classes, but it wasn’t until one night when I was at a bar near campus, drowning my sorrows,” he chuckled softly, “That she came over to me and we started talkin’.” 

“Did you like her?”

He nodded, “Aye, she was verra nice — then, and pretty.” I winced slightly, it was never pleasant to hear your husband say another woman was pretty, no matter how secure you felt. 

“You said she wasn’t your type…” I said quietly. 

Jamie scoffed, and leaned back on the couch. “She wasna at all. I was sae drunk that night at the bar that I must have missed how needy and rude she was. Gia… well there’s no other word to describe her than a bitch, Sassenach.” 

I looked up at him, eyes wide and he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I dinna like to call women that, but she wasna verra nice. I hope she’s changed her ways, truly.” 

“What did she do to make you think this?” 

I felt I was going to be sick as he looked at me, his eyes searching mine. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. 

“I tried to break it off wi’ her several times, Claire.” Jamie ran his fingers through Adso’s fur and a soft purr came from him. “At one point… Christ, Sassenach. At one point she told me she was pregnant and that the bairn was mine.” 

“Well,” I said as calmly as I could muster. 

“She was lyin’ of course,” he laughed, his head falling back once again on the couch. “She wasna pregnant.. wi’ any child, she only wanted to marry me. I think she knew a bit about the crash and how the victims were given money as a settlement from the airline.” 

“My parents were given money, of course it went to me.” I nodded, taking it all in and things began to make more sense. “The money helped to pay for school — so why did you get so close to marrying her though? If you knew how she was…” 

“As I said, Claire,” he looked over at me, a warm smile on his face. “I was hopeless and honestly I was desperate for any kind of… human connection!” He threw his hands in the air. “I felt that it was the right thing to do, the next step in my life.” 

“What made you change your mind though, clearly you didn’t go through with it,” I said and moved closer to him on the couch. 

“The wee church that it was planned for and mind ye, Sassenach, the ceremony was thrown tog’ther verra quick and there werena many guests,” he looked at me sharply. “The church was the same one that my parents were marrit in and well, I took one look at the outside and I felt my wame turn over.” 

“It was that day that I realized who I had become and that I didn’t like him at all,” he sighed, shutting his eyes. 

I was silent, just watching him breathe deeply, the slow rise and fall of his chest. His lips twitched slightly and I wanted to reach out and brush my fingers across them. Slowly, I moved closer so that our knees bumped and he opened his eyes, looking at me. 

“Do ye have any more questions, Sassenach?” 

“One.” 

“Ask me.” 

“Did you keep this from me to protect me or because you were scared of what I would think?” I said it all quickly, hoping to be done with this whole mess. 

“A little of both, but mostly because I truly thought it was best no to tell ye, Sassenach,” he reached out his hand, sliding it over mine. “I watched ye deteriorate before my eyes and the thought of tellin’ ye news like that —“ he choked on his words, as if they were stuck in his throat. “I couldna bear the thought of bein’ the one to cause ye to feel more pain.” 

He dipped his head, but kept his hand over mine, “And I thought you would think me a coward and rightly so.”

Everything he said made sense, and there truly was no reason to hold onto this. When he was with her, he was young and like he said, he wasn’t himself. Not the man I married… not the man I loved now.

“Jamie, I love you.” His head popped up, his eyes once again filled with that light that made him so special. 

“Ye do?” 

Laughing softly, I squeezed his hand and brought it to my lips, “Yes of course you bloody Scot! I never stopped and I don’t think I ever will.” 

“Taing Dhia,” he sighed and pulled me closer to him, and I climbed onto his lap, letting his arms envelop me. I could feel his heart beating through his chest and I slid my hands through his curls, feeling the silkiness of them. 

I pulled back, my hand still at the nape of his neck and kissed him. “I’m sorry, for how I responded. I think if you had told me any other way — instead of out of the blue, then I wouldn’t have felt so blindsided.” 

“And if ye hadna seen her, it would’ve have been different too, _mo nighean_. I wish she wouldn’t have opened her damn mouth, that foul wee—“ 

“Shhh,” I placed my finger over his lips. “Don’t say something you’ll regret.” 

He smiled against my finger and kissed it. “I would have told ye, Claire. Just maybe no so soon after our own weddin’ and again… I ken I shoulda told ye about it before, but—“

“I understand, Jamie,” I said, cupping his cheek with the palm of my hand. “There are many ‘what ifs’ about this whole thing and I’d rather just put it behind us and move forward.” 

Jamie turned his head, placing a kiss to the palm of my hand. “Aye, we’ll move forward together, Sassenach.” 

He held me against him, his strong fingers splayed across my back and I felt at peace again. We didn’t often fight and when we did, I felt like the entire axis of the planet was off, the stars weren’t aligned and that I would topple over at any minute. But when things were set right… it was bliss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you always for reading!


	21. Year Two - September 8th, 2015

In the twenty one days since I had found out about Jamie’s almost marriage, we hadn’t made love. Some of this time, I had spent being angry at him and his touch was the last thing I longed for. But now that we had hashed things out thirteen days ago on the couch, his touch was all I wanted. Sex for us was something more than just that physical need and desire, but it was the way that we connected when words failed and I ached to feel his skin against mine desperately. 

Part of the reason that we had been abstinent was because Jenny and Ian welcomed their fifth child into the world a little more than a week ago and we had spent every free moment with them. 

Katherine Murray was the sweetest little baby, and she was adored by her four other siblings. The Murray children fought for who would hold her next — with the aid of an adult of course. 

On one of the first nights that Jenny and Ian had brought baby Katherine home, Jamie and I stayed the night at Lallybroch, just to offer a helping hand where it would be needed. I must have been asleep for several hours and woke to find that Jamie wasn’t in the bed beside me — I never slept well when he wasn’t there. 

As quietly as I could, I climbed out of the bed and tip toed out into the dark hallway, following the soft orange glow of the fire that roared from down below. Just as I reached the top of the stairs however, I heard Jamie’s voice and peered over the railing. He was sitting on the couch near the fire with baby Katherine bundled in his arms, whispering soft sweet things to her in gaelic. 

I refrained from going down the stairs to join them, but stayed hidden in the dark, and simply watched Jamie. His long sure fingers stroked the soft newborn skin along her cheek, eliciting soft gurgles and coos from Katherine. As Jamie continued to speak of things that made no sense to me or the baby, I found that my heart was beating fast and a wetness had formed on my cheeks. 

Quiet footsteps came into the hallway from the other end and I looked to see Jenny appear from her room — blanket wrapped tightly around her. She smiled and came to stand beside me, looking down to see her baby and younger brother in deep conversation. 

“The bairn couldna sleep,” she said softly. “And neither could Jamie. He thought they could keep each other company for a bit while Ian and I slept.” 

“They both look quiet comfortable down there,” I smiled and wiped away the tears from my eyes. 

Jenny said nothing to my tears, but I felt her small steady hand on my back. “You can talk to a wee one in a way ye canna talk to anyone else. Ye can pour out yer heart w’out choosin’ yer words or holdin’ anythin’ back at all. And that’s a comfort to the soul.” 

One word I did recognize floated up to us, “ _mo ghraidh_ ” and bit the inside of my cheek to stench fresh tears. 

“It’s the way we talk to them before they’re born,” Jenny said softly and I felt her hand squeeze me gently. “Ye’ll ken that one day Claire.” 

“A man has to wait until the child’s born and then they hold their bairn and feel all the things that might be and all the things that might never be — and weep, not knowin’ which ones will come to pass.”

I was silent for a moment, my hands pressing tightly against the railing before me and then I looked over at Jenny — it seemed she shared her brother’s ability to read my face and soon I found myself wrapped in her arms. Even though she was a good deal shorter than me, I found her arms welcome nonetheless and tried not to rest all my weight against her as she had only just given birth not too long ago. 

Jenny pressed her hand on the small of my back, rubbing slow circles there. “Jamie will hold his bairn one day Claire, trust in that. I ken yer talk of adoption and I think tis a wonderful thing to think of.” She pulled back and I peered down at her through watery eyes. “But I ken one day yer belly will be filled wi’ Jamie’s child and all the tears that ye’ve cried will be but a distant memory, Claire.” 

I pulled her to me once again, giving her a gentle hug. “Thank you, Jenny.” Wiping my hand against my face, I smiled and then turned back to look at Jamie who was still whispering to Katherine. “Go back to sleep,” I said to her. “I think I’ll stay out here awhile longer.” 

With a final squeeze, Jenny quietly padded down the hallway and back into the warmth of her room to find rest. I leaned against the railing, and wished then and there that her words would come true more than anything. My hand ran over my flat stomach and I closed my eyes, picturing it growing week by week until finally at the end of it all, it was our baby that Jamie whispered things to in the dark of night. 

++++++

When I woke up this morning, Jamie had been staring at me which nearly made me fall off the bed. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your eyes glaring down at me first thing in the morning,” I laughed as my arm covered my eyes from the rays of sun peeking through the window. “No matter how beautiful and blue they may be.” 

“I like watchin’ ye sleep, Sassenach,” Jamie chuckled, running his fingers along my side and settling his hand on my hip. “Yer so peaceful when ye canna talk.” 

I moved my arm off my eyes and gave him a sharp look, “That is not what you should be saying to someone who just woke up, Jamie Fraser.” 

Rolling onto his side, Jamie pulled me into his arms and nuzzled his face against my neck making me squirm as he blew a raspberry against my skin. “Stop!” I laughed, kicking my legs against him but he only held on tighter. 

At last, when I thought my lungs would collapse from wheezing, he released me, but only partly. “Are ye in a better mood now, Sassenach?”

“Oh aye,” I nodded and kissed the tip of his nose. Today was Saturday, which meant neither of us had any work to do. Which meant that we could spend the entire day in bed if we wanted to — and I wanted to. 

But just as I started to slide my hand down his chest and towards his boxers, his hand stopped me. 

“What the f-“ 

“Shhh,” he stopped me with a kiss and then sat up, and started to climb off the bed. “There will be time for that later, mo cridhe. But first….” He held his hand out to me and I climbed to my knees. “There is somethin’ I want to do to ye.” 

At his words, my body shivered and I felt my nipples pucker under the soft cotton t-shirt of his that I wore. “Well if it’s not… that,” I blushed, “Then what is it?”

His eyebrow rose mischievously, “Oh it has somethin’ to do wi’ what yer wee hand was tryin’ to do, but what I need ye to do is first go into the bathroom and take off all yer wee layers. There’s somethin’ I need to prepare first.” 

I wrapped my arms lazily around his neck, my bottom lip puffed out slightly, “Can’t you just take off my clothes for me?”

Jamie hissed as I began to kiss along his jaw, pressing my body against his and I felt that he wanted me very badly.

“What I want to do, Sassenach — Christ,” he muttered and then pulled my body off of him. “It’s more so to do wi’ _yer_ … pleasure,” he blushed, “It’s a sort of special massage that a friend of mine told me about.” 

I arched my brows, “A massage hmmm? I like the sound of that.” Grinning, I climbed off the bed and headed towards the bathroom, “If naked is what you need from me, I will follow those orders!” 

Jamie laughed and I winked as I slid the door shut behind me and then heard him move the sheets and open and close a few drawers around the room. Whatever kind of massage I was about to receive, I don’t think it was just a normal massage.

I took off my pajamas and underwear, which took me all of about five seconds and then stood in the bathroom naked, waiting for Jamie’s call to come back out. I waited for another seven minutes, starting to get rather cold before I heard his nervous voice tell me to come into the room. 

The lights were off, and the curtains were drawn. The only light in the room came from candles scattered around the room and I could hear soft music in the background. I felt a little silly as I climbed onto the bed and laid back against the pillows. 

“I just need to put another pillow under yer hips, Sassenach,” Jamie grinned and slid a small pillow underneath me to elevate that part of my body. He was only in his boxers and I wished he would just take them off, but he had said this was about _my_ pleasure.

I watched him turn to the side table, reaching for oil that smelled of sweet flowers and already felt the wetness between my thighs. 

“What sort of massage is this, Jamie?” My voice trembled slightly — why, I have no clue. Perhaps it was the sheer idea of having no control and simply lying there for him to touch me as he pleased. 

He sat down on the edge of the bed, lifting my right hand and holding it between his. “Tis called a _Tantric Massage_ , and it’s meant to be something that teaches one partner how to give… and the other how to receive.” 

“I don’t think I have any trouble receiving what you give me, Jamie,” I laughed softly. 

Jamie grinned, and started to massage my hand, easing the tension out of the palm and pressing down against the joints. “Nah, ye dinna, but it’s been some time since we’ve lain together and I only wanted to make it special. Show ye how much I want to please ye, Sassenach.” 

I felt emotional at his words and started to sit up and kiss him, but his other hand held me down against the bed. “Lie back, _mo ghraidh_ and relax. This moment is about ye and nothing else but the way ye feel.” 

Nodding, I smiled and closed my eyes and let my senses take over. 

The gentle music washed over me, helping to erase any stresses from my mind. As Jamie began to pull on each finger, I began to understand why he was doing this special massage. 

There had been so much that we had both been worrying about — trying to get pregnant, my health, me going back to work, and of course his latest revelation about Gia. I was capable of receiving anything Jamie gave me, but perhaps this was him wanting a fresh start — something new in our physical lives that brought us even closer. 

Time was irrelevant as Jamie massaged each of my hands with the scented oil and then moved to my arms, lightly squeezing and rubbing the skin. He wasn’t applying a lot of pressure, but his fingers worked their magic, making my head swim. 

I couldn’t help but let out soft moans as Jamie’s hands slid from my shoulders to my chest and over my collarbones. There were no thoughts in my mind except the thought of wanting Jamie between my legs with every touch of his fingers. 

He didn’t speak the entire time, but I heard his steady breathing which was a comfort. His warm hands slid from my collarbones to the side of my body, slowly pressing on the sides of my breasts before settling on my waist. Jamie stood over me on the right side of the bed and I felt one hand leave me and then return with more oil. 

A laugh escaped my lips as he moved his thumbs in a slow circle around my belly button. 

“Shhh, Sassenach.” He chuckled from deep within his chest and I opened one eye to see him smiling down at me, then promptly shut it. 

Melting into his touch, I felt the tension leave my stomach and leave my body altogether. His hands were so large, covering my body and I longed for his fingers to move up or down on my body and was pleased when a moment later, they slid up along my ribs. I arched my back slightly, desperate for his hands to move even higher. 

Jamie was taking his time. He traced with the tip of his finger underneath one breast and then did the same to the other. The room was warm from the candles and our body heat, but as he began to trace a pattern around each breast, my nipples puckered up, growing hard. 

“Jamie,” I sighed, pressing up against his hands. He knew what I wanted, but still he held back, only lightly applying pressure to the outside of each breast. 

I faintly recall him telling me at the start of the massage that this wasn’t even about me orgasming, but just about feeling pleasure and any type of relaxation. But if Jamie’s hands kept doing what they were… then my orgasm was inevitable. 

Finally, he moved both his hands to cup my breasts and I felt the rough calluses against my nipples. The contrast to the roughness of his palms to the slickness of the oil was agonizing and I started to move my body to create the friction I desired. In answer, Jamie began to massage my breasts gently, squeezing them and pressing them together. 

I took a deep breath and relaxed into the bed, releasing my breath and focusing on his touch. My mouth formed a silent “O” as his fingers splayed across each breast and then pulled up slowly, leaving the tips of his fingers touching my nipples. He repeated this action several more times, making me clench and unclench my thighs. 

Squeezing each nipple lightly, I then felt Jamie lean over my body and then his cool breath was on my skin, blowing against my nipples. “Christ,” I arched my back off the bed, squeezing my thighs together and instinctively reaching a hand up to touch him. Jamie wound one hand with mine, squeezing it tightly and then I felt his wet tongue on my right breast and that’s when my first orgasm took over my body. 

It was one of the most powerful things I had ever felt in all my life and Jamie wasn’t even inside of me. My body shook with wracks of pleasure, sending goosebumps along every inch of my skin. “Jamie, Jamie….” I repeated over and over again, turning my head to the side and opening my eyes to see him — mouth still gently attached to my breast. 

His mouth quirked up on one side and he pulled back, and moved his face to hover over mine, his lips barely a breath away. 

“Kiss me.” 

“Not yet, Sassenach.” 

I huffed, reaching out to grab his face to pull him down to me, but he was quicker and my limbs felt so languid, like they weren’t even a part of my body. 

I watched through hooded eyes as Jamie moved down to the end of the bed and climbed on top at the end of my feet and brought them into his lap. 

“Close yer eyes, Claire.” 

I did as he said and settled back against the mattress, my heart already racing for what would eventually follow. 

Jamie’s strong hands moved against the arches of my feet, pressing against each toe and the heel of my foot. Gently, he tugged on each toe, making them pop softly and I sighed. Then his hands were at my ankles and he moved each foot slowly in a clockwise circle and then counterclockwise. 

My breath hitched when he pressed my foot against his length and I felt him — hard, throbbing with need. I hadn’t even thought how difficult this must be for him to restrain from just entering me this entire time. Jamie laughed quietly as I moaned, and I wiggled my toes against him and then he took a sharp intake of breath and quickly removed my foot. 

Done with my feet, Jamie slid off the bed, I assumed for more oil and then returned to the same spot and and his hands began to slide up and down my calves. As he worked his way up my legs inch by damn inch, he was also parting them, so when he reached my knees, I felt a cool breeze between my thighs. 

“Christ, yer beautiful,” Jamie said quietly and then I felt the bed shift and he placed a kiss to the tip of my nose before returning to the end of the bed. 

“Thank you,” I said, blushing. 

A small squeak left my lips as his fingers ghosted lightly along the tops of each thigh. 

“Ah, there’s the wee noises I like to hear so much,” he laughed. 

“Shut it, Fraser.” 

“Nah,” Jamie said and then slid his fingers up and down the inside of each thigh, eliciting more squeaks from me. 

Pushing my legs further apart, Jamie then moved to sit in between my legs and I rested my calves on either side of his body. My heart was racing as I knew he must be looking down at me — so open and completely exposed to him. 

“Jamie, please.” I begged, sighing and opened my eyes to see him just staring at my face. 

“Be patient, _mo ghraidh_ ,” he grinned. Then his hands were on my hips and I couldn’t help it as I squirmed and my hips bucked. I wanted him so bad — I wanted to feel him inside of me, whether that were his fingers or cock, I needed it desperately. 

He must have brought the bottle of oil to the bed, because I heard him squirt some into his hands and then he rubbed the oil on the inside of my thighs, just near my vagina. I could smell myself, even hear the wetness as my skin moved. 

Just when I thought he would keep teasing me, I felt one of Jamie’s long fingers press against the top of my mound. Only gently, but it was enough to drive me wild. 

With his other hand, Jamie had grabbed the bottle of oil and I felt small drops onto my vulva, and pressed my lips tightly together. Slowly two of his fingers moved the oil around the outside of my outer lips. I heard his breath quicken and knew his cock must be growing even harder. 

For what must have been several minutes, Jamie simply massaged my labia majora, lightly squeezing every now and then, but always applying a gentle pressure. I couldn’t help but open my eyes, however, when his fingers stroked my inner lips, his knuckles brushing against my clitoris. 

I watched as Jamie kept his face turned down, focused on his hand and giving me pleasure. He slowly moved his fingers along my opening, then pressed his thumb on my clit and started to move it in a slow clockwise motion. 

“Fuck,” I whispered and then Jamie looked up at me. 

“I prefer if yer eyes were closed, Sassenach, but I must say…” he grinned sheepishly, “Having ye watch turns me on more than I’d like to admit.” 

“Fuck, Jamie.” I twisted the sheets in my hand, arching my back and trying to keep my eyes focused on Jamie’s hand on my clit. I let out a very loud noise when his middle finger entered me — one of relief and sheer joy of finally having him touch me there. 

Slowly, with his palm facing up, Jamie moved his long finger in and out of my vagina, while his other hand slid up and down my outer lips. Normally he would add a second finger by now, but he was going slow — exploring. 

His thumb pressed against my clit and began to move in circles as his finger inside of me pressed up and his left hand pressed down over my pubic mons. My back arched off the bed and I sat up on my elbows, anxious to see his skillful hands at work on my body. 

I watched in fascination for awhile, almost giddy at seeing him so concentrated, but then my head lolled to the side and I felt the beginnings of another orgasm wash over me as he hit just the right spot. 

“Jamie, Christ!” I called out, and my thighs involuntarily clenched, trapping his hand and keeping it from moving any further. 

As I rode the wave of my second orgasm, I felt Jamie’s hand slowly leave its comfortable spot from inside me and then he was off the bed. When I opened my mouth to protest, I was silenced with a kiss. 

“Mmmm,” I moaned into his mouth, wanting to wrap my arms and legs around his now naked body, but I still felt light as a feather. “I want you inside me,” I begged. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie cupped my cheek with his hand, pushing back stray curls from my face. “I love ye so much, I hope ye ken that.” 

“Oh, Jamie.” I smiled and brought him down to me for another kiss, “I’ve always known. I feel your love everyday, it overwhelms me most of the time, but I know — and I love you very much. So much,” I paused, running my finger lightly along his lips, “So much it hurts me.” 

“I dinna want to hurt ye, Sassenach.” Jamie grinned, kissing my cheek and then aligned his body with mine. I felt his cock, heavy against my stomach and tried to moved my hips to feel him even more. 

“The good kind of hurt, Jamie.” I kissed him and then reached for his hand, intertwining our fingers together. “Please,” I begged once again, staring up into his dark blue eyes. 

“I love ye, mo cridhe.” He took his cock in his hand and with one easy thrust, he was home. As we joined together, both our moans mixed in a sigh of relief and I felt weightless having him inside of me so deeply. 

At first he didn’t move, only held his body above mine for a moment, his other hand cupping my cheek. I wrapped one leg around his waist, bringing him closer to me and then he started to roll his hips. I was slick, from the oils and from my previous orgasms and the sounds alone could have been enough to drive me over the edge. 

With every thrust, Jamie said something in gaelic, most I didn’t understand, but it sounded like a prayer of sorts or perhaps he was only thanking God for this moment. I stretched my arms around his body to envelop him and held him close to me. 

“Oh Claire,” Jamie cried out and his mouth pressed against my neck. As I pressed my hips upwards, taking him even deeper, I felt him spill himself into me and I joined him, my body shaking and feeling so blissful for the third time that morning. 

My fingers smoothed against the rough pattern along his back, in the deep grooves of his flesh that had been carved out and I held him close to me for a long while. I relished in the feeling of holding my husband on top of me, no matter the lack of air that was getting into my lungs — it was always a comfort to be with him like this. 

“Jamie,” I whispered a few moments later and he rolled to the side, still joined with me and I slid my calf between his. 

“Thank you,” I said softly, kissing the spot just above his chest. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything quite like that in all my life.” 

Jamie squeezed his arms around me, “Well I sure hope no’, Sassenach.” We laughed and settled into his chest. 

“How long was that massage anyways? Close to an hour?” 

“Och, no. Twas about two hours from beginning to the end there,” Jamie kissed the top of my head. 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! Two hours!” I looked up at him, “I don’t know how you managed to refrain from taking me in the first hour.” 

He narrowed his eyes and I felt his hands slide over my arse, squeezing roughly. “If I had ye on yer stomach and that round arse of yers was staring at me… I wouldna have lasted more than ten minutes, Sassenach.” 

Laughing, I wiggled my bottom in his hands and then moaned as his cock shifted inside of me. “Again?”

Jamie growled deep within his chest and then rolled us over so that I was on top this time, “Aye… again.” 


	22. Year Two - October 12th, 2015

Life is made of small significant moments and events that shape the way you see the world around you. Not every moment is good; some are earth shattering, like the moment I found out I was diagnosed with a brain tumor or the death of a friend. The best moments, however — they stay with you forever. 

++++++

Two days ago, my friend Mary Hawkins died in her sleep. She battled with Leukemia for nearly three years, but ultimately lost the war of her life. I had grown to love her in the past year that I had known her. She was a bright spot in my life, always optimistic that all would be well in the end. 

Today was her funeral. Thankfully, I had never been to a funeral of anyone in my support group since I joined, but today would change that fact. 

My heart grieved for the young girl who had so much life to live, but would never see it beyond the age of seventeen. She would never walk down the aisle with her father or hold her baby in her arms. In her last days, Mary had said she felt peaceful — finally no pain. 

Jamie held my hand tightly in his as we walked into the small church where the service was being held. Nearly every seat was filled and when I saw Glenna and Robert near the front of the rows of pews, I smiled solemnly and we joined them. 

The last funeral I had attended had been for my parents and I barely remembered any of it, save crying into Uncle Lamb’s shoulder and ruining his white shirt with mascara. Jamie never let go of my hand throughout the service, and I leaned on him for support as Mary’s mother stood and gave her eulogy. 

An hour later, Jamie and I said tearful goodbyes to the rest of my support group and headed back in the direction of the car. Just as Jamie’s hand reached for the handle of the passenger door, I laid a hand on his arm. 

“What is it, Sassenach? Are ye alright?” He looked down at me, concern clear across his face. 

“Will you promise me something, Jamie?” Taking his hand in mine, I held it close to my heart and knew he could feel it beating erratically in my chest. 

“Ye ken I will promise ye anythin’, Claire,” he ran his thumb slowly across my chest, his eyes full of promises already kept. 

“If my illness comes back and I die—“

“Claire, no. Ye said ye wouldna talk like this again,” Jamie interrupted, his lips pressed tightly together. 

“I know I said I wouldn’t, but please…” I squeezed his fingers together, urging him to listen. “I must say this.” 

He nodded in confirmation for me to continue, but couldn’t meet my eye and instead stared at our hands. 

“If I die, Jamie,” I said barely louder than a whisper for fear of my voice shaking. “I need you to promise me that you will remarry — that you will grieve for me, yes, but that you won’t spend the rest of your days being miserable and chasing a ghost.” 

“Claire, there is no one else but ye and you know that,” he said firmly, now meeting my eyes. 

A single tear slid down my cheek, “I know. I do, Jamie. But today made me realize that anything could happen. I may be healthy today, but what if I’m not a year from now? Just promise me,” I shook his hand, thumping it against my chest. “Promise me that you will find someone and try and be happy without me.” 

With tear filled eyes, Jamie took a deep breath and nodded. “I promise that I will _try,_ but I ken that we will grow old together, _mo nighean_.” Jamie brought both his hands up to cup my cheeks, bringing his mouth just inches to mine. “So there is no need for me to ever find someone else because try as I might… without ye, Claire — I cease to exist.” 

I kissed him then, with the urgency of a thousand kisses that might never happen. Part of me felt foolish for bringing this up after just saying goodbye to Mary for the last time, but I knew if I didn’t say it now… I might never have the chance. 

We parted with salty lips from our tears and held each other for support. With one hand around my waist and the other stroking my hair, Jamie let out a deep sigh. 

“Yer tearin’ my guts out, Claire.” 

“I had to say it.” 

“I know,” he kissed my forehead and then finally opened the passenger door for me. “Just give me a few days warnin’ before ye bring somethin’ like that up again,” he smiled and closed my door. 

++++++

The next day I went to work with a heavy heart, but a grateful perspective for the people around me. As a doctor, I had trained myself to control my emotions around patients because so often they needed our quiet strength upon hearing a bad diagnosis. While some people might say working at a hospital is depressing, I saw it as a place of hope. 

In my darkest moments, I vowed to never return to this place. What had once been my favorite building in Edinburgh turned into hell on earth. It was the place where a fear I never knew I had came to life. When you come close to death, everything you thought you feared becomes inconsequential. 

As a little girl, I had been afraid of the dark. I slept with a nightlight on and the door cracked, letting light from the hallway creep in. And as a teenager I had feared failing school and never being kissed like all the other girls had by their crushes. In my first few years of medical school I feared being told I wasn’t good enough — that saving lives wasn’t what I was meant to do. 

Now I feared the unknown. The what ifs. The fear of wondering if I would live to see the white hairs appear one by one on Jamie’s head. 

I walked into the break room to fix myself a cup of peppermint tea. The past week or so, my stomach had been giving me fits and so I had been downing the stuff by the litre. 

“Hello Lady Jane,” Joe said as he came into the room, big smile plastered on his face. “It is mighty fine to see you around these halls more frequently.” 

“It feels so good to be back,” I smiled and grabbed my cup, sitting on the small couch next to Joe. “I was scared…” I said hesitantly. 

“Of what, LJ?” Joe asked, concerned. 

The tea was still piping hot and I burnt the tip of my tongue on my first sip, “Shit!” 

“Never patient, are you?” Joe laughed. 

“Oh be quiet you,” I grinned and set my cup on the coffee table to let it cool. “I was afraid that once I started coming back to work, well… that I wouldn’t enjoy it like I used to.” 

“Afraid that after being on the other side of the diagnosis, you wouldn’t have the heart in you to keep going?”

I nodded, “Yes something like that. It’s one thing to tell a family that their child came out of surgery just fine and would be on the mend in no time. But to tell someone that their husband had died of complications during his heart transplant…” I trailed off, my eyes fixed on my knees. 

“I never pegged you to get so emotional about it all,” Joe said and slid his hand over mine, gently squeezing. “Back when I first met you, I thought you were a force to be reckoned with, a brick wall that didn’t let anything penetrate her.” 

“Well damn Joe,” I laughed, rolling my eyes. “You make me sound like I’ve become some kind of mushy, weak person.” 

He grinned and squeezed my hand once more, “Not weak LJ… quite the opposite really. You still are a force to be reckoned with, but if I may speak freely…” his eyebrows rose and I nodded for him to continue. “Talk around the halls was that Claire Beauchamp was a bit of a bitch.” 

My jaw dropped. This was _certainly_ news to me. “How so?”

“Oh I didn’t engage in that kind of conversation, like I said… the word around,” Joe smirked and I wanted to bop him on the nose. “The nurses and a few fellow doctors just thought you had a pretty tough exterior and came across a bit cold is all.” 

“Hmph,” I bit my bottom lip, trying to evaluate every past conversation and interaction with anyone I had ever known at the hospital. While it hurt to hear this, I wasn’t _that_ shocked by the news that people thought this of me. After my parents death, I had been no joy to be around and I suppose at work I was there for all business and no play. 

“So what are you getting at exactly with these kind remarks?” I raised my brows, waiting for further insults. 

“What I’m trying to say, Claire,” Joe chuckled, “Is that ever since last year I’ve seen you soften and I don’t mean that you’re weak. In fact you’re probably the strongest person I know.” 

“Thank you, Joe,” I said with a thick throat and felt that feeling like I was about to cry in my sinuses. 

“You’ve been through a lot, Lady J.” He squeezed my hand and then the first tear fell down my cheek and down my neck. “You’ve experienced pain, an immeasurable amount of it, but you’ve taken that pain and heartache and turned it into compassion and empathy.” He held up his other hand in defense, “I’m not saying you didn’t have those things before, but it’s nice to get a chance to see Claire Fraser as the strong, powerful… and compassionate woman who isn’t afraid to admit that this job isn’t easy.” 

A few more tears escaped my eyes and I wiped my sleeve on my face. “You sure know how to make a girl cry,” I smiled. “But I’ve been crying at everything lately. I saw an advert on tv the other day about a dog being rescued and broke into a sniveling mess.” 

“I would pay to see you sniveling,” Joe laughed and then reached for a tissue on the table.

“I must be getting ill or something,” I took the tissue and blew my nose. “I’ve been so fatigued and my stomach has been in knots. And the emotional breakdowns,” I laughed. “Maybe coming back to work just yet wasn’t the best idea.” 

Joe’s eyes were on me in a watchful way and I followed his stare as he glanced at my face and then at my stomach. 

“What?”

“Are you pregnant, LJ?” He asked blankly. 

I scoffed and reached for my hopefully cool tea, “God no! There’s only a slim chance I even become pregnant, and I _think_ I would know if I was.” 

“Would you humor me if I asked you to do an ultrasound?” He grinned slyly. 

“But I’m _not_ pregnant, nothing will show up!” I said out loud, but my heart was beginning to race as I tried to calculate my last period. 

_Oh fuck._

I took another sip of tea, and Joe just kept staring at me. 

“Are you really going to make me take an ultrasound? Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ Jo-“

“Wouldn’t you want to know though?”

Of course I would. A baby was what Jamie and I had been hoping for — that we would be able to create something from our love, adorned with a mass of red hair and a fiery temper to match. Something else I feared was allowing myself to hope. 

If I truly thought about it, the thought of being pregnant had crossed my mind several times over the last week, but I didn’t allow myself to venture into that dangerous territory. 

“I would,” I slowly nodded. “Fine. I’ll do it.” 

“Yes!” Joe smiled and hopped up off the couch, “Come on then.” 

“Now? You’re not even going to let me finish my tea?” I eyed him with contempt, but reluctantly rose from the couch. 

As we walked down the hall to the ultrasound technician’s room, I began to wonder if Jamie should be here for this. But what if I _wasn’t_ pregnant and calling him and telling him to leave work in the middle of the day to come to an ultrasound only crushed him. 

Probably making the wrong decision, I voted to wait until I could confirm whether I was or not. The last time I had called Jamie from the hospital, it had been with bad news — I hoped today wouldn’t be the same. 

With the perks of being a doctor, I walked right into the room and sat down on the chair while Joe went to grab Clary, one of the technicians. I tapped my fingers nervously on the chair, trying to think of anything but the news that I was _not_ pregnant. 

I smiled to myself thinking of the other night when Jamie had cupped my breast in his hand and remarked on the fullness of it. Surely Jamie would have suspected something but not voiced his thoughts with the fear of getting my own hopes up. 

Joe and Clary came into the room then and it was all business. I leaned back on the chair and raised my shirt over my stomach while Clary squirted horribly cold goo onto it. 

“Jesus,” I muttered and then laughed. 

“You sure you don’t wanna call, Jamie?” Joe asked again. 

I nodded, “I don’t want to get his hopes up. I want to be able to tell him good news.” 

Clary spread the goo around my stomach and the three of us fixed our attention to the monitor. What was probably only second felt like hours as I tried to discern the fuzziness of the picture. I had never been good at reading sonograms. 

“Ah, there it is,” Clary said and smiled. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest at her words. 

“What? What is it?” I rushed out the words. 

“A wee bairn for sure,” she smiled and then pointed at a little white speck on the screen. “I’d say ye are about four weeks give or take a few days! But yer pregnant alright.” 

“Lady J! That’s amazing!” Joe rushed to hug me, wrapping one arm around my chest as I lay frozen on the table. 

A baby. I was growing a baby inside of me. 

My first thought after I collected myself was to call Jamie. I knew this kind of information should really be done in person, but everything in me was screaming for him to share in this news. _Dammit._ I cursed myself for not telling him to be here, but it wasn’t like I had planned for this today. _Thanks Joe._

After Clary wiped the goo from my stomach, I embraced Joe for awhile, trying to let the news sink in and then I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Jamie’s number. 

His phone went to voicemail and I told myself I could not leave a message announcing I was pregnant so I dialed again. Jamie picked up on the fourth ring, he sounded out of breath. 

“Hello, Sassenach,” I could hear his smile through the phone. “I’d just gone for a wee when I heard my phone ringing through the wall,” he laughed, “How are you?”

“I’m—“ I paused, feeling the weight of the words settle over me and tears started to flow down my cheeks. “Jamie, I’m pregnant!” 


	23. Year Two - November 2nd, 2015

_“Jamie, I’m pregnant!”_

_After I spoke those words aloud, it hit me — the truth of it all. I was pregnant. I am pregnant. Jamie and I would finally have a child that was made containing equal parts of our DNA. Red hair with blue eyes, or maybe dull brown with amber eyes like mine. A mix of both our genes into one small perfect creation._

_I still had a few hours left at work and after Jamie asked me how I had found out, he told me he would come to the hospital._

_An hour went by and I checked my phone, but was disappointed when no messages popped up._

_“Jamie…” I muttered under my breath and focused my attention back on the charts in my hands._

_Another thirty minutes passed and finally my red headed scot marched through the doors of the hospital carrying a bouquet of flowers. He had the biggest grin on his face and when he reached me at my station, he wrapped his arms around me and spun me around._

_A few claps and whistles sounded around us and my cheeks flushed red with embarrassment as Jamie kissed me deeply in front of my colleagues and patients._

_“Our wee bairn,” Jamie kissed me and simply held me to his body, the flowers still in his hand._

_“Yes, Jamie,” I sniffled, now feeling the tears on my face. “Our child.”_

_“I brought ye these,” Jamie released me and offered my a lovely bouquet of red roses. “I had to go to a few shops to get the perfect ones so it took me a wee longer to get here.”_

_Leaning my head down, I sniffed the flowers, breathing in the wild scent of the earth. “They’re lovely, but you didn’t have to get me any flowers.” I smiled and pressed my lips against his._

_“Aye,” his eyebrows rose. “To mark this day, Sassenach. The day we found out that we created life!” He slid his hand over my belly and I wanted to weep at the happiness in his eyes. My God… I loved this man._

_Joe walked by and threw his arms around the both of us, “I love you guys, so happy for you!”_

_“Thank ye, Joe.” Jamie squeezed his shoulder, “I’m thankful that ye made Claire do an ultrasound… even if I woulda loved to be there for it,” he squinted his eyes at him.  
_

_Joe raised his hands in defense, “Hey, don’t look at me big fella. I asked Lady J, but she wanted to give you only good news.”_

_I chucked Joe a ‘back off’ look and he congratulated us again and left to make his rounds._

_Jamie took my hand in his, now a solemn expression on his face. “Sassenach, if ye hadna been pregnant, I would still want to be there for ye.”_

_Giving his hands a gentle squeeze, I set the flowers on the desk nearby and wrapped my hands around his neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you to come sooner, I wasn’t expecting to of course.” I ran my fingers through the curls at the back of his neck, “You’ll be at all the appointments from here on out."_

_His lips curved up on one side, “Aye. I’ll be there for ye and the bairn. I want to be there for everythin’, mo ghraidh. I dinna want to miss a second of our wee bairn’s life!” He planted a kiss on my lips and then looked down at my belly between us, “If only I worked here at the hospital, then I could keep an eye on ye and the bairn.”_

_“We’ll be fine, Jamie. I’m sure I can manage to grow a human inside of me,” I laughed and leaned my forehead against his chest. “Did you ever think we would get pregnant, Jamie?”_

_He was silent for a moment and I knew what he was thinking; about the ten percent chance that I would ever be able to conceive… about all the pain my body had been through and still had to come._

_“I hoped, Sassenach. And I prayed everyday that we would have our own child and now God has given us this child.” He held me tight and I felt the urgency in his grip, to hold me and to protect me from everything he could not control._

_“He has, Jamie,” I looked up at him and kissed him again._

_“I should let ye get back to work,” he pushed the curls back from my face. “I’ll go home and cook us a celebratory meal, how does that sound?”_

_“Delicious,” I grinned and licked my lips. Thankfully, Jamie was the better cook in our marriage. Where I could whip up some eggs with mild success, Jamie excelled in the kitchen. I blamed my lack of cooking skills on my parents and their love for dining out and I knew that with Jamie being raised at Lallybroch he had been taught the art of cooking by his mother and sister._

_“I’ll see ye two,” he gave my belly a gentle pat, “at home then.”_

_“See you at home, daddy.”_

_“Daddy?” His eyebrows rose, “That kind of talk will get ye nowhere but the bedroom, ye ken.”_

_“Oh don’t be like that!” I laughed and pushed him away, reaching for the flowers. “Can you take these home and put them in water?”_

_“Aye, I’ll do just that Mam,” he attempted a wink and then left, flowers in hand and a slight skip in his step._

++++++

It had been 22 days since Jamie and I found out about our growing baby and exactly one day — yesterday — that we found out that there was a child that we could adopt. 

A two year old boy who had lost both of his parents in a plane crash. Just like me. 

He was French and his name was Fergus which made Jamie laugh at the Scottish-ness of it. 

“How does a wee lad in France get a name like Fergus?” Jamie looked over the adoption papers once again, his left hand still firmly holding the picture they had sent. 

A few weeks ago, we had been informed that there was a possibility that they had found a child that would be a good match with us. I had completely forgotten about it since finding out about the pregnancy and hadn’t thought anything of it until the agency called and said they would send over the information as soon as possible. 

“It’s rather fitting though, don’t you think?” I smiled and reached for the picture of the little boy. He had brown curls on top of his head and a sweet smile. It was probably ridiculous to be thinking about adopting now that we were pregnant. Taking on one baby was plenty, but to bring in a two year old to the mix — _insane._

“Aye, it’s a braw name for the lad. We willna have to be changing it,” Jamie smirked and then looked at me. I saw the worry etched on his face, but also the joy. 

“Should we do this, Jamie? We were both on board with adopting a child when we thought we would never get pregnant, but it all just feel like a lot.” I laid the picture down on the table and scooted over towards Jamie on the couch. 

“It may be foolish of us to think we can handle it all, Sassenach.” He kissed the top of my head, bringing both his arms around me. “But ye ken we would be sayin’ yes right away had ye not gotten wi’ child."

“I know,” I sighed and leaned against his chest. “I feel that we should, Jamie. When I saw his face I-“

“Aye,” Jamie looked down at me and I saw the tears in his eyes, “I felt it too, _mo cridhe_. Like he was already ours.” He slid his hand over my small belly, “Like _this_ bairn is ours.” 

“Fergus Fraser,” I tested the name out on my lips and felt giddy at the sound. “He’ll already be a big brother then.” 

“He’ll be a fine brother, Sassenach. And weel… hopefully since he’s only a wee lad of two, he willna have that nasally French accent.” 

“Jamie!” I hit him on the back of the head, “Be nice.” Laughing, Jamie rolled his eyes and rubbed at his head. 

“Ye ken it to be true, Claire! He’ll have a mix I suppose. Wi’ a Scottish father and an English lassie for a Mam,” Jamie cupped my chin in his hand and brought my lips to his. 

“And besides, Jenny and Ian ken a thing or two about bairns. I’m sure they’ll be a great resource when the lad comes home,” Jamie gave my hip a gentle pat. Annie barked at the both of us, more of a yelp than a bark, but then climbed up and settled on my lap. 

“We’ve had Annie for nearly a year,” I smiled and pet her soft fur. “And Adso of course. I know they’re not nearly as complicated as raising a child, but pets can often be training wheels, do you think?”

“Aye, they can.” Jamie scratched Annie behind the ear, making her roll over onto her back, she was a glutton for belly rubs. 

“So I’ll call the agency and tell them that it’s a yes… that we want to bring Fergus home,” I felt tears spring up in my eyes. 

“He’ll be here before ye know it, Sassenach,” Jamie kissed my lips. “And then we’ll have a new wee one come summer.” 

“Oh God,” I groaned, leaning my head back on Jamie’s arm. “I’ll be heavily pregnant in the hottest months of the year.” 

Jamie laughed, “Tis Scotland, love. Ye ken it never truly gets too hot.” 

“Still,” I rolled my eyes. “I would prefer to not be sweaty and feel like an elephant.” 

“Ye’ll be a beautiful elephant though,” Jamie grinned and I pinched the skin on the back of his neck. 

“Don’t you start with that,” I pressed my lips firmly together to keep from laughing. 

“Start wi’ what, mo ghraidh…” he looked at me innocently. “Ye willna be small, ye’ll be hu—“

I clapped my hand over his mouth, “I don’t think you want to finish that sentence Mr. Fraser.” 

His eyebrows rose and then he licked my palm, making me pull it back in disgust. “Eck! Jamie, what the hell!” 

“Oh, so ye dinna mind my tongue between yer wee legs, but ye think it’s gross on yer hand?” He chuckled, a deep sound vibrating in his chest and then he pulled me onto his lap, making Annie bark and jump off to find a more stable resting spot. 

“What about if my tongue is here?” His hands pulled my legs around his waist and I sat facing him. Pulling the hair off my neck, Jamie leaned down and pressed his tongue flat against my skin, swiping up from the base. 

I shivered, arching my body against him and a soft moan left my lips. 

“Ye like it, don’t ye, Sassenach?” His tongue swiped along my jaw and then my lips before flicking against the tip of my nose. 

“Jamie Fraser…” I sighed and opened my eyes, hooking my arms around his neck and grinding my hips on his crotch. “That kind of tongue play will only lead towards you on your stomach and your head between my thighs.” I didn’t usually talk like this, but there was something about suggesting this and watching his eyes burn with the promise to fulfill it that made me keep going. 

His hands slid down my back, cupping my arse and I rolled my hips against him, my belly pressing against him. 

“I mean to make ye fall apart, _mo nighean donn_ …” Jamie smiled softly and kissed me, parting my lips with his tongue. “To spread yer thighs and touch ye,” his hand slid between my legs over my tights and I nearly convulsed. 

“To have ye beggin’ me for more as I take ye, because yer mine.” He kissed my lips, my jaw, my neck. “And this wee bairn is _mine_ ,” he nuzzled his head into my shoulder and moved his hand slowly in between our bodies and I moaned when his hand slipped in the front of my leggings. 

“Jamie, Jesus H. Christ,” I muttered and bit down gently on his shoulder as he moved his middle finger against my slit. 

“Dinna be quiet, my love.” He hissed and slowly inserted his finger inside of me. He felt so close, and I wanted to surround him with my body, to possess him and never let him go. Knowing that our love was growing inside of me made my head swim and my heart pound. I held on to his body as he continued to make me fall apart with the touch of his hand. 

++++++

Hours later after a dinner of Chinese take-in and too many egg rolls, I laid in bed with Jamie’s arm around my stomach. Ever since he found out that we were pregnant, he had gotten into the habit of falling asleep with his hand over my belly; he was always protecting us. 

I’d dozed off, but found I was restless; my limbs twitching and eyes scanning the dark room around me. To ease myself, I ran my fingers lightly over the back of Jamie’s arm, watching the hairs rise on his skin. He moved a bit, but didn’t wake — he only held me tighter, reaching out and pulling me to him in his sleep. 

“Jamie,” I said as softly as I could, my fingers lightly touching his cheek. His eyelids fluttered but I knew by his breathing he was still asleep. 

Turning on my side, I nuzzled against him, tucking my head into his chest. So many times his body had shielded me from harm, whether physical, mental or emotional. My rock and my protector. 

“I love you,” I whispered, my lips pressing softly to his chest. 

A moment later, when I felt sleep just on the horizon I heard him whisper against my hair, “ _Tha gaol agam ort, mo ghràidh.”_


	24. Year Two - December 23rd, 2015

Last year had been the perfect Christmas. I spent it with Jamie’s family, creating traditions that I never thought I’d have and early on the morning of Christmas, Jamie proposed. Since then we’d gotten married, moved into our first home together and found out we were expecting. Not only expecting a child I never thought we’d have, but we were due to adopt a two year old boy in two weeks. 

Things were moving along so fast that it was easy to forget to stop and cherish the moments as they passed. Just last week, Jamie and I found out the sex of our baby and I’ll never forget the look on Jamie’s face. 

_“Is that it’s willy?” Jamie pointed at a speck on the screen._

_“No,” Clary smiled as she continued to move around the wand over my stomach._

_“So it’s a girl?” I said, sitting up slightly to see the small screen._

_Clary looked at the both of us and nodded, “Aye, it’s a girl. Congratulations!”_

_A girl. I wasn’t wishing for either or but a little girl with red hair and blue eyes just like Jamie’s filled my head and I slid my hand over my belly as Clary wiped the goo away._

_“A wee lass,” Jamie sniffed from beside me and I looked up at him to see fresh tears in his eyes._

_“Oh Jamie,” I smiled and couldn’t help the laugh that erupted from my chest. I had never felt so much happiness at once — it was quite overwhelming to say the least._

_“I ken she’ll be beautiful like her Mam,” Jamie leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the small curve of my belly and then kissed me in turn. “Mo chuisle,” he whispered, his large hand covering the expanse of my stomach._

_“Now we can start to pick out a name!” I grinned as I sat up and pulled my sweater down over my bump. “Nothing… too Scottish though.”_

_Jamie’s eyebrows rose, “What’s wrong wi’ the lass bein’ called Morag?”_

_“No, absolutely not,” I suppressed a laugh. “I’m putting my foot down at Morag, sorry!”_

_Patting my back, Jamie helped me off the examination table, “I’m only jokin’, Sassenach. But do ye have anythin’ in mind?”_

_“No, I haven’t really thought of names yet. I didn’t want to get to set on one name and then we end up having the opposite gender.”_

_“Fair enough,” he slid his hand around my waist as we said goodbye to Clary and walked back to the car. “Hmmmm, Maesie — beautiful as a pearl.”_

_“Maesie Fraser,” I mused. “Sweet, but I’m not too sure about that one.”_

_“We could always call her after one of our mother’s names, Ellen or Julia?” Jamie smiled, his fingers tapping lightly against my side. The air was cold as we stepped outside, nearly taking my breath away. We’d had a few days of snow, but yesterday it had dumped a fresh layer of white and while it was beautiful, it was also cold and very very wet._

_“I would feel horrible though,” I wiped at my nose, feeling the tickled from the cool air. “To only pick one of the names.”_

_“We may have another bairn, Sassenach,” Jamie looked down at me, “Then we can choose the other name if she’s a girl as well.”_

_“Let me think about it,” I smiled softly. There had been a name I was thinking about, but had been to nervous to speak it out loud in case we ended up having a boy. “What about the name Jane?”_

_“Jane?” Jamie repeated the name and stopped as we reached the car. “Jane Fraser…”_

_“It’s rather simple really and close to yours, but still different,” I bit my bottom lip, nervously awaiting his opinion._

_“Tis no’ very Scottish,” he squinted his eyes at me. “But I didna exactly marry a Scottish lass, did I?” Jamie leaned down, his lips just inches from mine, “I love the name, mo ghraidh. If you love it, then she is Jane.”_

_++++++_

We had been at Lallybroch for the Fraser/Murray Christmas party for all of twenty minutes and Jamie had already made sure that everyone in the room knew that I was pregnant. It was very sweet, but we flitted from person to person and as soon as greetings were exchanged Jamie would say, _“Did ye ken we are expectin’ a bairn?”_

“Since I can’t drink for the next several months, I’ll need you to drink for me,” I muttered under my breath to Jamie after his Aunt Jocasta smiled at us across the room. She was a formidable woman whom I’d only met once, but we’d already clashed on several differing opinions. 

“Aye, Sassenach,” Jamie grinned and lifted his whisky to his mouth, taking a long sip. “I’ll drink double tonight in yer honor.” 

“Don’t drink too much though, because I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry you up the stairs,” I laughed and leaned against him. “I’ll have to leave you lying on the floor by the fireplace.” 

“Och, that seems like a bonnie place to lie for the night,” Jamie smirked and slid his arm around my waist. The party was now in full swing, music and dancing and plenty of food. It was quite like the Hogmanay party I had attended last year. Whenever there was a chance for a party and whisky, the Frasers jumped at the opportunity. 

“Ye canna drink, _mo cridhe_ ,” Jamie stepped back and offered me his hand, “But can ye dance?” 

“I think I can manage a dance or two,” I took his outstretched hand and he lead me to the center of the room. As the next song started, his arms came around my waist and he pulled me close. 

“Jamie, all the other couples are dancing with at least a few feet between them.” 

“They dinna have someone like ye as their partner or they would be holdin’ them as close as I am ye,” I felt him breathe and his arms held me closer. Giving in to him, I laid my cheek against his chest and closed my eyes, swaying to the tempo. 

A deep hum vibrated through Jamie’s chest as he softly sang to the music. I loved to hear him sing, he wasn’t perfect but I knew he always sang for me. As Jamie sang the words to _White Christmas,_ I clasped my hands around his back, humming with him. 

“ _May yer days be merry and briiiiight_ ,” he sang softly into my ear. I lifted my head off his chest and looked up into his eyes to finish the last line with him, “ _And may all your Christmases be white._ ” 

We danced to Mariah Carey’s _All I Want For Christmas Is You_ and Michael Buble’s _Jingle Bells,_ before I motioned to Jamie that I needed to catch my breath. Leading me off the dance floor, I nearly bumped into young Jamie and Maggie as they ran between Jamie and I. 

“I think they’ve had a few too many sweets,” I laughed. 

“Those bairns dinna eat many sweeties,” Jamie grinned looking at all of Jenny’s kids running around in circles throughout the crowd of people. “So when they do, they bounce off the walls.” 

“Were you like that as a child?” 

“Aye, I had too much energy for one thing and my Mam couldna keep me occupied for long before I was off doin’ somethin’ else to get myself into trouble,” Jamie smirked. 

“I hope your troublemaker genes don’t pass along to this one,” I rubbed my hand over my stomach. 

“Och, no. But she’ll get the stubborn gene from both her parents,” Jamie leaned down to kiss me. 

“We’ll have our hands full for sure,” I laughed and then we were interrupted by Ian who dragged Jamie off to introduce to some of their newest neighbors. Without Jamie by my side, I roamed along the outskirts of the crowd, saying hello to a few familiar people. 

Jenny raced over to me, begging me to help her restock the food table. She hadn’t anticipated everyone on the guest list to show up and so she hadn’t put out all the food. 

“It’s a really fun party, Jenny,” I smiled as I loaded up a tray with fresh sugar cookies. 

“Thank ye, Claire. I wasn’t too sure about gettin’ everythin’ done on time wi’ all the wee ones takin’ up my time.” 

“How is Katherine? I can’t wait to hold her tomorrow when she wakes up,” I grinned at the thought of the littlest Murray bairn. 

Jenny let out a deep sigh, her hands on her hips. “Katherine has a strong pair of lungs, she takes after me in that way I suppose.” She smirked, her brow lifting on one side. “She’s a bonnie lass though, but our last. Five is my limit!” 

“I can’t even imagine five children at once,” my eyes widened. 

“Ye’ll be handlin’ two in no time,” Jenny’s face softened. “Ian and I are so pleased to hear about ye havin’ a girl, Claire. And when does yer wee lad come home?” Jenny refilled a tray with pigs in a blanket. 

“Just about two weeks now, everything has come together so quickly once we signed the adoption papers.” 

“I canna wait to meet him. His cousins are burstin’ at the seams to meet him as well,” Jenny smiled and then abandoned her plate to come and hug me. “Oh, Claire! I’m just sae happy for ye both.” 

My throat thickened with emotion as I embraced her. At one point in my relationship with Jenny, I had been so jealous of seeing her pregnant and now here I was, pregnant with my own. 

“Thank you, Jenny. It means so much to me that I have you to ask any weird pregnancy questions,” I laughed. 

“Ask me anythin’ ye like, I’m serious. Five bairns must count for something!” Jenny laughed and then we walked back into the living room with fresh trays of food. 

It was an hour later as the party started to wind down when Jamie came to find me. He kissed me deeply and I tasted the whisky on his tongue. It took an awful lot for a big man like him to get drunk and he always said that if he was standing on his own two feet, he wasn’t drunk. _But he was close enough._

“Sassenach,” he smiled down at me. “Sorry I left ye for sae long, I got into a fascinating conversation about Chess.” 

“Chess can be fascinating?” I smirked and wound my hands on his shirt, tugging at him slightly. 

“Aye, verra,” he placed another kiss on my lips and if it went any further, it would have been deemed as highly inappropriate as we were still surrounded by people.

“Jamie,” I laughed, pushing against his chest and he kissed my cheek instead. 

“Come upstairs?” He begged with puppy dog eyes — the ones that always worked on me. 

“I told Jenny I would help her clean up,” I bit my bottom lip anxiously. The weight of his body pressed against mine and the smell of his breath was intoxicating. The last thing I wanted to do was to clean up a party. 

“That can wait til morning surely,” Jamie kissed the top of my forehead, tugging on my hand to pull me towards the stairs. 

“But Jenny—“ I pretended to protest as he nearly dragged me up the stairs two at a time. 

As soon as the door shut, Jamie’s lips crashed against mine in a fever. It appeared that he wasn’t all that drunk, because his hands certainly knew what to do. Sober as I was, I felt the alcohol from his lips seep into my bloodstream — my head light and my limbs heavy. 

“Put yer hands up, Sassenach,” Jamie practically growled. His eyes had turned several shades darker and his curls, coiffed back for the party were now falling loose over his face. 

I did as he said, sliding my hands over my head, pinning them together at the wrists. Grabbing both my wrists in his large hand, he made sure I didn’t move them as he leaned in and pressed his mouth on my neck. 

“I watched ye all night,” his breath was hot and I felt my stomach do a few backflips and my thighs clenched at the tone of his voice. “Yer hand sliding over yer wee belly, beamin’ wi’ happiness.” 

My eyes fluttered shut as his tongue pressed on the pulse point in my neck. 

“Ye dinna even ken how sexy ye are, _mo cridhe,_ ” he pulled back and looked at me. “And watchin’ ye show off yer bump,” his hand slid over my stomach and I pressed against him. 

“Knowin’ that it was me who filled ye wi’ my seed as I plowed into ye over and over again,” he did growl then. His fingers snaked their way into my top, pulling down the straps one at a time before lifting it over my head. 

“I want to own ye, Sassenach. To hear ye scream my name because my cock inside ye fills ye so completely,” he crooned against my ear and I shivered. I was unable speak as he unzipped my skirt. It fell to the floor and I stood before him in only my bra and panties. 

My hands drifted down to his shirt to undo the buttons, but he pulled them back up over my head. 

“Och, I told ye to keep them above yer head, _mo nighean_ ,” he said with a husky voice. I let my head fall back against the wall and cried out in surprise when I felt his mouth on the inside of my thigh. 

“Christ, I can smell ye.” His thumbs hooked into my panties, slowly tugging them over the curve of my arse and down my trembling legs. I was aching with the need for him to master me, to take me, to love me. 

“I need to touch you,” I sighed, opening my eyes to look down at him. He gave me a small smirk before placing a kiss on my belly and then rose to his full height once again. 

“Yer breasts have already started to grow,” he observed as his hands came to cup them. Quiet moans of pleasure left my lips as he squeezed them, rolling my nipples between his fingers. When they stood to full attention, he reached behind me and unhooked my bra swiftly. 

“Jamie, please.” I begged him, my body molding to his now that I was free of my own barriers. 

“On the bed,” he ran his hands back through his curls, then his fingers tugged on his bottom lip as he watched me walk over to the bed. “On yer knees _mo nighean_ ,” he corrected when I started to lay on my back. 

Jamie was very rarely like this, usually letting me take the lead in the bedroom -- he knew I enjoyed it that way. But there was something so… primal and damn _fucking sexy_ about seeing him in control, so full of power that rippled through his body. 

My anticipation grew as I propped myself up on my knees and elbows, keeping my head faced forward. 

“Ahhh!” I cried out when his hand lightly slapped my arse. A pause and then another light slap. I turned my head to look back at him when another slap didn’t come. Jamie was shirtless now, unzipping his pants and pulling them and his boxers down. 

My thighs clenched when I saw his hard cock come free of its restraints. Jamie saw me looking at him and squinted his eyes, smiling. 

“Please,” I begged again, keeping my eyes focused on his cock which was now in his hand. 

“No’ just yet, Sassenach,” Jamie walked forward and the bed shifted under his weight as he climbed behind me. Then I felt his other hand slide slowly across my back and then over my arse. Now he was gentle, slow and soft with his touches. When he pressed his length against my core, I squeaked and my head fell forward. 

“Jamie, do it,” I sighed and tried to push back against him, but it only earned me a light tap to my arse. 

“I said no’ yet,” I heard the smirk in his voice and knew that he was enjoying the view in front of him to let it be over so quick.

“Seein’ ye like this, on all fours,” he slid his hand around my body, his fingers splayed across my belly. “My child inside ye and yer breasts so full…” I felt a kiss on the middle of my back. “It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, Claire.”

“I’ll have to make sure I’m always pregnant then,” I laughed and turned back to look at him. As he caught my eye, I knew he saw my desperate need for him and finally _finally,_ he eased himself inside of me inch by inch. 

We both moaned at the feeling and as he pushed forwards, and I pushed back against him. In seconds I found my rhythm and steadied myself on the bed. Jamie’s hands were at my hips for leverage as he thrust deeply inside of me. 

Jamie resorted to purely Gaelic as he rolled his hips _one, two and three_ more times before I felt my walls clench around him. His body bent over mine and he kissed my back, his mouth wet and sloppy as he spilled himself in me. 

As gently as he could, Jamie rolled us over onto our sides and pulled out of me. I turned around to face him, needing to kiss him. His tongue parted my lips and moved slowly with mine. 

Our hands explored the other’s body as our heart rates decreased. 

“You’re quite a turn on when you’ve had a bit too much to drink,” I teased him, pressing my finger against his chest. 

“Och, I was standin’ up for most of it,” he chuckled. 

“I meant the way you talked to me,” I blushed. “It was very…” 

“Brutish?” 

“No! No, not at all,” I smiled and ran my fingers along his chest hairs. “I liked it is what I’m trying to say.” 

His hands gripped my arse, pulling me against him. “Good to know, Sassenach. I do like it when yer rough wi’ me too.” 

Taking that as an invitation, I pressed my mouth to his neck and bit him. He gave a startled sound of surprise and rubbed at the spot. 

“Was I too rough on you?” I laughed. 

“Nah,” he kissed me. “It only tickles is all.” Jamie then bent down and lightly bit my neck. Gooseflesh broke out over my skin and I felt his body shake with laughter. “Oh… ye do like that then.” 

“Mmmm, bite me some more, Jamie.” I offered him my neck and closed my eyes as he nibbled on my skin. 

Sometime later, as we lay peacefully in each other’s arms under the covers, Jamie pressed a kiss to my forehead and whispered, _“Merry Christmas”._

“Merry Christmas, my love,” I kissed his lips, sighing as the aftereffects of our lovemaking made my limbs heavy and I succumbed to the blissful peace of sleep in my lover’s arms.

** END OF YEAR TWO **


	25. Year Three - January 9th, 2016

**_YEAR THREE - January 9th, 2016_ **

We woke early in the morning — the sky was still dark and all I wanted to do was stay under the covers, nestled in Jamie’s arms. But today was the day that Fergus came home. We were meeting him and a social worker at the airport in just a couple of hours. Today was the day we brought our son home. 

It still felt like a dream. That this was all really happening. Months of waiting, of wondering who we would welcome into our family and finally, it was time. Of course, I still felt ill prepared and that I wasn’t going to be a good mum, but Jamie had been very reassuring. 

_++++++_

_It was just two days after Christmas and everyone was in that post-Christmas haze. Even for Lallybroch, it was quiet, but I found myself waking early and climbed carefully out of bed. Jamie was lightly snoring, something he didn’t do often and I blamed all the whisky._

_I walked out into the hall and saw Jenny, gently bouncing Katherine in her arms._

_“Did I wake ye, Claire?”_

_“Oh no, not at all,” I said quietly as I came to stand before her. Reaching out, I placed my hand on Katherine’s back, rubbing lightly. “If you’re tired, I wouldn’t mind watching her for a bit. Seems I can’t sleep.”_

_“Och, ye dinna have to,” she smiled, but I saw the willingness to accept in her eyes._

_“Please?”_

_“Alright,” she grinned and moved Katherine into my arms. “She shouldna wake up, but if she does, come and fetch me — she’ll be hungry.”_

_“Of course,” I cradled her small head against my arm and tried to mimic the movements that Jenny had been doing. With no extended family of my own, I had no nieces or nephews to practice with. That is until I married Jamie and his family became mine._

_I’d been concerned lately whether or not I would be a good mother. I certainly wanted it and I knew no one was perfect, but did I have it in me?_

_Katherine stirred in my arms, but I glanced down and she was still fast asleep. I started humming, just soft enough to keep it between us. It wouldn’t be long that it would be me or Jamie waking every morning to rock our own baby._

_A moment later, a door creaked nearby and I looked over to see a bedhead-ed Jamie walking out of our room._

_“What are you doing up?” I whispered._

_He walked over to me, kissing me on the forehead and then bent to place a soft kiss on Katherine’s. “I canna sleep when yer no in the bed, Sassenach. Thought ye’d gone to the bathroom, but ye didna return for awhile.”_

_“I’m just giving Jenny a break,” I smiled down at Katherine. “Go lie down, I’m fine out here on my own.”_

_“Bring her wi’ ye, I dinna mind,” he grinned, his finger stroking her cheek. I followed him back to our room, carefully climbing onto our bed and settled back against the pillows. Shifting Katherine to rest between my bent legs, I tucked the plaid around her._

_“I know it sounds ridiculous now, but I can’t help but wondering if I’ll be any good at it…being a mother.”_

_“Of course you will,” Jamie smiled._

_“I’m a doctor, I know how to deliver a baby, how to feed one,” I smiled down at wee Katherine, “How to take care of one when it’s ill, but that’s not being a mother.”_

_Jamie moved closer to me, sliding one arm around my shoulders. “What ye don’t ken, ye’ll learn… we’ll learn, together.”_

_“But what if I’m terrible at it?” My heart raced, worrying now._

_“Ye won’t be terrible at it,” he nodded, “That I know.”_

_I looked over at him,“How do you know?”_

_“The same way I knew Jenny would be a good mother,” he shrugged._

_“She’s a natural, you’re sister. Seeing her with all her children, it seems like she was born to be a mother,” I sighed._

_“There’s nothing like seeing her before,” he laughed, grinning. “Not an ounce of maternal feeling or instinct anywhere to be seen.”_

_“Not that a brother could see,” I grinned, bopping him on the nose with my finger._

_“Not that she could see herself. She worried about the same things you do, worried that she’d not be able to mother or care and so on, but I never doubted it. I knew it was in her nature to be a kind and loving mother. Just as I see it in you mo nighean donn.”_

_“Thank you, Jamie.” I kissed him, “I do love you, very much.”_

_“As I love ye, Sassenach.”_

_“And I know that you will be a great father,” I stroked his chin lightly with my fingers. “I can’t wait until Fergus comes home, and then our wee one.”_

_Jamie slid his hand over my stomach, “I canna wait either, mo ghraidh.”_

_++++++_

The airport wasn’t busy, thank God, as it was a Wednesday and still quite early. I checked my watch for the hundredth time and then looked up at the arrivals screen. 

“Any minute now,” I said. Jamie was sitting in a chair, his fingers tapping nervously against his thigh. I knew he was scared — of the unknown. What if Fergus didn’t like us? What if he screamed and cried and there was nothing we could do to help him? Were we completely losing our minds?  


The car was set up with the car seat and we had spent all of last month preparing his room. Jenny and Ian had been helpful for what a two year old would need. Jamie insisted on buying Fergus a Star Wars lego set, but I vetoed it because he was two and would most likely choke on the small pieces. Instead, we settled on larger toys, mostly soft, non-choking items. 

They say to keep stress to a minimum during pregnancy and I’m pretty sure adopting a two year old boy from France was not recommended. 

People started to walk out of security and that’s when my heart started racing. We’d seen pictures of him, but now we would be meeting him in the flesh. I walked over to Jamie and tapped him on the shoulder. “People are starting to come out.” 

He rose slowly, breathing out a shaky breath. Jamie looked down at me with watery eyes and slid his arm around my waist. “We’re in this together, Sassenach.” 

“Together,” I echoed and then turned my attention back to the gate. 

It felt like everyone in the entire airport was coming through the gates — all but our Fergus. Just when I was beginning to grow nervous that we had the wrong date, I saw him. A mop of curls already sprouting on his little head, Marie, the social worker assigned to us came walking through the exit holding Fergus. 

“There he is,” Jamie said, mesmerized. He took my hand and together we walked forward to meet our son. 

“Hello Marie, it’s nice to finally meet you,” I smiled and then finally looked at Fergus hiding his head in her neck. “Hi Fergus, it’s lovely to meet you as well.” 

Jamie’s hand squeezed mine and I thought I might lose all circulation. 

“Can you say bonjour, Fergus?” Marie said to him and he popped his head up and looked at us. “This is your new Mama and Papa.” 

“Bonjour,” came a small voice from Fergus and my heart wanted to burst. 

“He doesn’t know many words, just the basics and of course all in French,” Marie shrugged. “If you’re ready to go, we can drive to your house and get this little fellow settled in.” 

“Yes! Let’s go, shall we?” I smiled. 

“Here,” Marie shifted Fergus in her arms, “You should take him.” She looked over at Jamie and his lips curved up, smiling as he took him from her arms. Fergus looked at Jamie, his eyes wide as he studied the curious new man in front of him. Then he buried his head into Jamie’s neck and that’s when my heart melted. 

++++++

An hour later and we were home, all sitting around the living room, drinking tea. Fergus hadn’t let go of Jamie since we came home and I think Jamie was perfectly fine with that. 

“How long are you in town for, Marie?”

“Just a few days, I’ve never been to Edinburgh,” she smiled, sipping her tea. “It already is a lovely city from what I’ve seen.” 

“It really is, I wish we could be more available to show you around, but…” I trailed off, glancing over at Fergus. 

“Oh, it’s no worries. You have your hands full at the moment,” she winked. “I think I will finish my tea and then head over to my hotel. I think you two can take it from here without my help.” 

I saw her out and the moment I closed the door, it all felt real. We now had a two year old son that would forever be a part of our lives. Joining Jamie on the couch, I put my hand gently on Fergus’ back. 

“The lad’s asleep,” Jamie smiled. I’d never seen him so happy, fatherhood was already suiting him. 

“I’m sure he’s tired. Marie said this was his first time on a plane.” 

“He’ll be adjusting of course,” Jamie said. “It’ll all be an adjustment for us.” 

“Yes it will be,” I smiled, moving my hand to cup Jamie’s cheek. “One that we will handle together. I know this was the right decision Jamie. He’s perfect.” 

Jamie looked down at Fergus, his back rising and falling as he slept and then back at me. “Aye, Sassenach. And he’s all ours, too.” 

I leaned back, resting my head on Jamie’s shoulder. “Do you still remember your French?”

“Oui, ma chérie,” Jamie said smoothly, “I’ll teach him the ghàidhlig in no time though.” 

“No bad words please,” I sighed, running my hand over my belly. 

“Of course no, _mo nighean_ ,” Jamie kissed the top of my head. 

I suppose we were all tired after an early morning and Jamie and I both fell asleep on the couch, our hands clasped on the small of Fergus’ back. Our home felt complete now — whole. 

++++++

The next morning, I made pancakes, topping everyone’s with strawberries and extra whipped cream for Fergus. He ate them in small pieces with his hands, getting syrup everywhere. I tried not to cringe when he got placed his sticky hands on top of his head, getting stuck in his curls. 

“No, no,” Jamie gently tugged on his hands, holding them back from his hair. “Ye dinna want to pull our yer hair, do ye?”

“Non,” Fergus shook his head and then stared down at his hands. “More?”

“Are you still hungry, Fergus?” I asked as I stood up and went into the kitchen, grabbing another small pancake. He clapped his hands together whenever I placed it on his plate. “That’ll be the last one and then we need to get you into the bath!” 

“Then we need to get me in the bath, don’t we, Sassenach?” Jamie smirked, his eyes boring into mine. It was only 9am, but I knew that look he was giving me… perhaps Fergus needed an early morning nap. 

“He seems to have a good appetite,” Jamie smiled, finishing up his own pancakes. “Marie said he might no’ eat too much just yet, being unfamiliar with his surroundings and all.” 

“We’ve got a hungry little hippo, don’t we?” I smiled at them across the table. 

Once breakfast was finished, Jamie started washing the dishes while I ran a bath for Fergus. He sat quietly on the floor, simply watching me. His eyes were a bit glazed over, most likely jet lagged, even if he only came over from France. 

The water poured in from the faucet, almost to the middle where I would stop it. I turned to him, “Ajouter des bulles?” I held up a bottle of bubbles. 

“Bulles!” He squeaked and took a few fumbling steps towards the bath, looking over. I added them slowly, and watched his eyes grow large at the sight of the growing bubbles. 

“Let’s get you all clean my little lad,” I stripped his clothes and lifted him into the bath, making sure to get his hands especially clean from all the syrup. I heard Jamie come in, standing behind me in the doorway. 

“Did ye use the good bubbles then?” 

“Only the best,” I turned my head back at him, smiling. He joined me on the floor, scooping water up in his hands and pouring it over Fergus’s head. 

Fergus shook his head, his curls falling in his eyes and then he laughed. 

“I think… he’s gonna like it here,” I said. 

“Aye,” Jamie smiled. “I think he will too, Sassenach.” 

Just then, Fergus splashed his hands in the water, making it fly up and spray both Jamie and me. His eyes were flickering back and forth between the two of us and then Jamie and I started laughing and he giggled, continuing to splash his hands. The water was easy to clean up. I was just thankful he was happy and here with us… forever. 


	26. Year Three - January 24th, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter deals with a sensitive topic regarding pregnancy xx

**_11:48pm_ **

It was quiet. 

My hand slid over my belly, feeling the roundness and I pushed gently. 

“Hello?” I whispered. 

It had been some time — _days_ — since I had felt any movement inside. Any kind of flutter or tug like a fish on a string. 

A tear slid down my cheek as I sat up in bed and pushed back the covers. Then I heard my heart break, like the clean snapping of a flower’s stem. _The blood._

“Jamie,” I pressed my palm against him, urging him to rouse from his deep slumber. “Jamie, please…” 

Muffled groaning came from beside me in the bed and then the covers shifted as Jamie opened his eyes and faced me. One look at my face had him leaning over to turn the lamp on and then he saw it too. 

“Sassenach? What’s wrong?” 

“We need to go to hospital, Jamie,” I said quietly. The shock began to course through my veins and I sat there immobile as Jamie began to move around the room. He gathered a bag, filling it with clothes and things he thought we would need. Next, he carefully peeled my soiled pajamas off my body, hastily throwing them aside before covering me with a clean shirt and sweats. 

“I’ve got ye, Claire,” Jamie had lifted me into his arms, the bag around his shoulder and was now carrying me through the house. 

“I’ve got ye both.” 

++++++

There are days in my life that can easily be called the worst days. I had two. Now… I have three. 

“Claire?”

I lay frozen in the uncomfortable hospital bed. One foot stuck out from the protection of the scratchy blanket and all I could think about was moving my leg. 

“Sassenach?” Jamie tried again and this time I moved my eyes to look up him. 

I hadn’t spoken since I told him that we needed to go to the hospital and I wasn’t sure if I would ever find words again. After Jamie placed me in the car, he had ran back inside to get Fergus, quickly buckling the sleeping boy into his car seat. He was sitting in the corner now, curled up with his thumb in his mouth, sleeping as if he was still tucked safely away in his own bed. 

“Joe has gone to get Clary and he said it shouldn’t be too long,” Jamie squeezed my fingers and I nodded. “Do you need anythin’?” 

My hand moved from his to over my belly and I heard a sound sort of like a sob and when I looked up at Jamie, his face was pinched together, his eyes shut tight as tears flowed down his cheeks. I didn’t know what else to do except reach for him and pull him down to me where he laid his head in my lap and his hand splayed on my stomach. 

“God shield my beloved, my white dove and the child she bears,” Jamie whispered against my stomach, almost inaudible through his tears. “Preserve her from violence and from harm, in this place and every place. On this night and every night.” 

Laying my head back against the pillow, I shut my eyes and allowed myself to weep as Jamie continued to pray in Gaelic. As comforting as it was to hear his voice, I almost preferred the silence. Only so that I might be able to hear the heartbeat of my child and know that everything would be okay. 

Jamie held me close to him, smoothing my hair and stroking my stomach, but both of us felt the awful helplessness in the face of physical disaster that made his actions futile. Strong as he was, he couldn’t protect me or the baby; willing he might be, but he couldn’t help. For the first time, I wasn’t safe in his arms, and the knowledge terrified both of us. 

++++++

“Hello, Claire,” Clary stood at the end of my bed, a soft warm smile on her lips but her eyes were filled with sympathy.

Jamie rose from his spot on the ground and before facing Clary and Joe, he wiped his face on his t-shirt, staining it with salty tears. 

“I’m going to do a sonogram and from there we will find out what’s going on,” she said as she came around the side of the bed and started preparing the machine. 

My eyes followed her hands and then drifted over to Joe who was watching me with fearful eyes. 

“Hey, LJ,” he smiled. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

The last thing I felt was okay. On the outside I was frozen — too stunned to move even the smallest muscles of my lips to smile back. But on the inside, I was screaming. Every cell in my body ached and my heart was breaking for what I could not control. 

Even though I was a doctor, it seemed I could not save my own baby. I wondered as Clary put the cold gel on my belly if I had lost Jane because I had been stressed about welcoming Fergus into our home. Or because I had pushed it too far by going back to work three times a week. Perhaps I hadn’t been taking the proper vitamins or getting enough rest. 

Whatever the reason, I knew she was gone. When I whispered “hello” only an hour ago, I felt no response from the depths of my womb. 

When I found out I was pregnant those many months ago, I had known it before taking the test. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. While I had Jamie and would always have him through anything, there is a certain feeling of being alone you feel when you are quite literally sitting by yourself. 

There was a moment — one single moment when I knew that Jane was suddenly there and that I wasn’t on my own. That I was growing life inside my body. 

Just like there was a moment I knew that she had left me. 

“Is she there?” Jamie’s voice startled me and I jumped. His hand came to rest softly on my shoulder.

I dared cast my gaze up at the screen and saw her there, but heard no heartbeat. Not a sound. Not a movement. 

“I’m very sorry,” Clary said softly and then was pulling back the wand. “There is no heartbeat.” 

“Why?” Jamie asked, his grip tightening on my shoulder and when I flinched, he pulled it back with a sad expression. “What’s gone wrong? What can we do?”

“We won’t know the exact cause until after the labor,” Clary said as she rose to wipe the gel off my stomach. 

“Labor?” Jamie questioned and I felt my heart stop. _Of course._

“Jamie,” I croaked and he looked down at me. “I’ll have to be induced.” 

“Yes,” Clary nodded. “We will induce you here in the next several minutes and then it’ll come time to push.” 

“But… but if she isna alive, what—“

“She has to come out somehow, Jamie. It’s either this or surgery,” Joe stepped forward. 

Jamie nodded, understanding that the next several hours would only be worse than the last. He once again knelt down beside my bed, took my hand and placed it over his heart. 

“I canna lose ye both today, Claire,” Jamie kissed my hand and bent his head, resting it on the bed. 

“You won’t lose me,” I whispered and moved my fingers into his curls. His body shook as fresh waves of tears came and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep mine at bay. 

As promised, a few minutes later, another doctor came and I was induced for labor. I shut my eyes and hoped that one day I would be able to forget the words the doctor said. _“Stillborn… most likely genetic I think… the baby was never going to grow past a certain point…”_

++++++

She was perfect, her ten fingers and ten toes. 

Jane’s eyes were closed and I wept knowing that they would never open. That I would never feel the clutch of her hand on my finger or to watch her grow as I should have. 

After I was induced, Jamie reluctantly left my side to take Fergus out to Jenny and Ian. I had no idea what time it was now, but it had been nearly midnight when we came to the hospital. 

Jamie had been there beside me, gripping my hand as I pushed and pushed. My body was exhausted, having not been prepared to give birth for several more months. After the last push, there had only been silence. Not the cry of a newborn.

The cord had been cut and Jane had been cleaned up before someone placed her delicate body into my arms. She was so small — so fragile, she barely fit in the palm of my hands. 

I stroked her tiny cheek with my finger, mesmerized at the translucency of her white skin. I thought I saw little bits of red hair on top, but I could have imagined it. I could have imagined many things as I looked at her too small body. 

My heart ached to let her go, but I knew that Jamie needed a chance to hold his daughter. I just didn’t realize how much it would break me even further to see him swaying gently with her little unmoving body. 

“ _Mo chuisle_ ,” he whispered, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Yer Mam is so brave and so strong.” 

Hot tears slid down my cheeks and then Jamie carefully laid her down next to me, all wrapped up in her soft pink hospital blanket. “I don’t think Fergus should see her,” Jamie said and I nodded, agreeing that it might be too scary for him to see a baby so small. 

“She’s so beautiful,” a tear rolled down my cheek as I looked down at her again. 

“Jane means ‘Gift from God’,” Jamie said a moment later, his finger stroking her little hand. “Did ye ken that, Sassenach?” I shook my head. “I looked it up after we decided on the name. It’s rather fitting. Our gift.” 

“I can’t bear it, Jamie,” I sobbed then as I began to feel the ache in my body of her loss. He picked up Jane into his arms and then came to sit beside me in the bed, wrapping one arm tightly around me. 

“She was a gift, Claire. We may no have had much time wi’ her on this earth but I ken that we will see her in heaven on day,” he sniffed beside me and I looked at her again. “The time that we have had though has been so special, Sassenach.” 

“It’s not enough.” 

He was quiet and I thought he hadn’t heard me but then I saw a tear drop down onto the blanket. 

“No. It wasna and it isna fair,” Jamie kissed the top of my head. “We must no forget her, no matter how painful it is to think of her, so wee.” 

“I could never forget her,” I said and leaned against him. “Our daughter.” 

“Aye, our precious daughter.” 

++++++

The next day we left the hospital with a picture of the three of us to keep; a chilling picture with no smiles, but only sadness and a piece of paper with her tiny footprint on it. 

I had never intended to go into the hospital pregnant and not leave without my baby in my arms. And as we drove home, I prayed that I would have the strength to survive without her. To see her half built nursery at home and not want to break everything or to hear the name Jane and not break down. 

There was nothing but a hollow feeling in my chest. My fingers itched to touch her but it was impossible now as she was being prepared for the family funeral we would have in two days at Lallybroch. 

A numbness settled into my bones and I feared it would never leave. 

**_Two weeks later…_ **

I was a ghost. Or at least I felt like one. A thinly veiled configuration of myself — barely there, on the outskirts of life. I had lost my child. My love. My baby. Jane was gone. And there was nothing I could do to get her back. 

So I lay in my bed. 

Jamie would tip toe into the room, his eyes scanning me for any need I might have. I didn’t. I felt nothing. 

He would feed me, give me water and dab my forehead with a cold cloth. And being a good husband of a doctor, he would stretch my arms and legs while I lay in bed so my muscles wouldn’t waste away. I knew I should move — should say something, anything. But every time I tried to think of a word and open my mouth, no sound came out. 

He saw my lips trembling one afternoon and only pressed his thumb against them, nodding as tears of his own fell to the bed underneath us. I felt useless. Fergus needed me. But I felt that I was better off dead than what I was now — a shell of who I used to be. A mother… no more. 

And that’s why I cried. Because of Fergus, I was a mother. But not a mother to my own child — my own flesh and blood. I never thought it mattered much, that is until I lost Jane — made up of Jamie and me, her perfect little body. 

When Jamie would leave my side, his presence was replaced by Annie, a shaggy comfort to be sure. And when I didn’t cry, I slept. And I dreamed. Fever dreams almost of weariness and desolation. Of loss. Unceasing pain wracked my body, now barren. And I would wake in the night, my chest heavy and my breathing quick. My eyes would water with fresh tears and I would slip back into a dreamless sleep. 

He was worried about me. I saw it in his eyes. I felt it in his kiss. Did he blame me I wondered… for losing her?

Surely not. But I did. I blamed myself. I think I always would. For all of my days, I would blame myself for losing her. 


	27. Year Three - March 3rd, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the response to the last chapter! it was very touching to hear so many of your own stories <3 the fraser’s have had a tough go of things, but stick with me!

**_Jamie’s POV_ **

It’s been thirty-eight days since we went to the hospital and Claire has barely spoken more than a few sentences to me. I see it in her eyes — the hurt, the wall she’s built around herself. When she had the brain tumor, not even on her worst days was she a shell of who she once was. 

I laid by her night after night, stroking her back as she fell asleep, bringing her ice to keep her body cool. I’d held her hand when she had her chemotherapy and I’d made sure she had drank enough water that day. No matter what I did now, there was nothing I could do to help my wife. 

She was lying in our bed, curled on her side, but I knew she wasn’t asleep. It was only 4pm. About a week ago, her tears had stopped and now she was almost like a zombie — no signs of life. 

Jenny, Murtagh, Joe and Geillis had all come over in shifts to help with Fergus. There was still a lot I was learning about taking care of a two year old. When he would cry or refuse to eat, I would sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Claire would have known, she would have figured out what to do. That was the worst of it — she was missing out on Fergus’ first few weeks, nearly months now of him being a part of our family.

The doctors told me not to push her though, to let her rest as much as she needed. Her body had been through something painful and horrible, but I knew it would heal as it had before. It was her mind and soul that I was worried about now. 

“Claire,” I said softly and knelt down in front of her, stroking her curls off her forehead. Her eyes met mine, glassy and emotionless. “Do you want a bath? I can draw ye one, Fergus just went down for a nap.” 

I waited for her to respond and just when I thought she wouldn’t, I saw the smallest nod from her. 

“Stay there, Sassenach. I’ll turn on the water,” I smiled and kissed her cheek. It hurt to see her in so much pain and not know what to do. I missed my wife — I missed her spirit and her fire. I was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to find her way back to me. 

Walking into the bathroom, I dimmed the lights and then turned on the water. Claire always had oils and bubbles that she liked so I added a bit of those in too. After lighting the candles around the edge of the bath, I walked back into our room. 

“It’s almost ready, come on then,” I stroked her arm and then helped her to sit up. I would have carried her but thankfully she rose on her own and I led her to the bathroom. When she had been her sickest, I had helped bathe her like I was about to now. Even then… she still felt like my Sassenach. 

I pulled her shirt off over her head, tossing it in the laundry basket followed by her sweats and panties. Her stomach was almost back to being completely flat as it had been before the pregnancy. Claire’s hands wrapped around it now, her head dipping low and I stepped forward, taking her in my arms. 

“Shhh, a nighean,” I rubbed her bare back. “It’s goin’ to be alright, love.” 

“How do you know?” She whispered. I’d almost forgotten what her voice sounded like. 

Pulling back, I put one hand under her chin, “Ye’ve been through so much, Claire. More than most can bear and I ken that ye’ll get through this as well. Yer heart is hurting and mine is too, but yer strong, ye ken?”

“No,” she said quietly and turned towards the bath. “I’m not strong. I couldn’t even grow a baby inside me properly.” 

“Sassenach,” I sighed, walking over to her to help her climb into the bath. “Claire… this isn’t your fault. You have to know that, tell me ye understand that this isna yer fault?”

As she sank down into the water, her eyes stayed focused on the wall in front of her. She clearly wasn’t going to answer my question. I bent down on my knees and scooped water to pour over her head. 

“I can bathe myself, Jamie,” she muttered, turning to reach for the shampoo. “You can go do something you like.” 

“Mo ghraidh,” I touched her shoulder and she shut her eyes. 

“I need to be alone,” she whispered. “Please.” 

“Okay, okay,” I stood back up and walked to the bathroom door, pausing as I looked at her curled up in the tub. “Let me know if ye need anythin’.” 

++++++

Fergus had been shy at first, always hiding his face in my shoulder, especially when he met new people, but now he was slowly opening up. I was usually the only one he would let hold him, but Jenny had just come over to drop off dinner and he was crawling all over her. 

“Fergus, get off yer auntie,” I laughed. 

“Non!” He giggled and continued to run a circle around her. Of course, Jenny loved it, having five bairns of her own, she was used to this. I on the other hand was exhausted. Between taking care of him and making sure he was acclimating well to his new environment and keeping an eye on Claire, I had barely slept. 

“The lad is verra playful,” Jenny smiled, reaching out and capturing him in her arms. “And the curliest wee hair I’ve ever seen. A lot like yers, Jamie.” 

“Aye, he does.” 

Jenny started tickling Fergus’ stomach making him burst into a fit of giggles. As I watched my sister and son playing, I felt tears spill down my cheeks and hurried to wipe them away. Jenny was fast though and she knew me very well. 

“Here, Fergus, play wi’ the new toy dog I brought ye,” she moved him off her lap and then seeing that he was absorbed with the new toy, came and sat by me. “Are ye okay, Jamie?”

“What? I’m fine,” I gave her my best smile. 

“Ye dinna have to be fine, Jamie. I would expect ye no to be actually…” she laid her hand on my back. “Ye lost a child, bràthair, ye’ve earned the right to no keep it together.” 

“I have to!” I threw my hands in the air, “Claire isna herself, she’s — she’s gone, Jenny. I fear I’ve lost her.” Her hands came up to my head and pushed it down on her shoulder and then the dam I’d been trying to hold up came crashing down. 

“Papa crying?”

“Yer Da is just so happy to see that ye like yer new toy, Fergus,” Jenny said to him and it only made me cry more. Claire should be here, out in the living room as we watched our son play and discover new things. 

“I dinna ken what to do, Jenny,” I sniffed and leaned my head up. “I dinna think I can raise a son and try and bring my wife back to life at the same time.” 

“That isna yer job to fix her, Jamie.” She raised her hand as I started to open my mouth, “Yes, she is yer wife and ye love her, but she is going through something verra painful. Her body wasna prepared to lose her babe.” 

Jenny took a deep breath, looking over a Fergus with a smile on her lips. “I havena told ye this, only because it happened a few years ago and we werena on speaking terms,” she smirked up at me. “Ian and I lost a bairn. Twas only a few weeks along, but it’s no somethin’ ye’ll ever forget. When I lost the bairn, my heart was broken and I didna think I would ever recover, but ye ken that I did, Jamie. Claire will be alright.” 

“I’m sorry, Jenny,” I squeezed her hand. 

“Time doesna heal _all_ wounds, I’m afraid, but it does help,” she squeezed my hand. “Ian and I went to grief counseling for a few months after it happened, just to manage the pain and hurt we were both feeling. Perhaps it’s something ye should consider,” Jenny smiled and then rose to join Fergus back on the floor. 

I leaned back on the couch, wondering how much time Claire would need. Grief counseling was something I’d thought of, only briefly though. My hope was that Claire would come back to me all on her own, but maybe this time she needed more help than I could offer.

“Would ye talk to her, Jenny?”  


“I will,” she nodded. 

“Thank you.” 

With Fergus occupied, I went into the kitchen and started preparing the table for dinner. I put out four placemats with hopes that Claire would join us out here instead of taking it in our room. 

When I walked down the hall and into our room, she was sitting on the bed — not laying — with a towel wrapped around her body and hair. 

“Did the bath help?”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she smiled weakly and I went to her, kneeling at her feet. “I’m just so tired.” 

“I ken, Sassenach. So am I,” I kissed both her hands. “Jenny brought dinner and is stayin’, would ye come out and eat wi’ us?”

“Sure,” she nodded. “I’ll just change.” 

“No need,” I winked and saw the smallest hint of a real smile. She had told me I couldn’t wink and laughed every time I tried to. “I like ye just like this.” 

“I’m going to change, Jamie,” she cupped my cheek and then rose from the bed. 

Throughout dinner, it was mostly Jenny and I keeping up conversation as Claire ate a few bites off her plate. She had grown thinner since we lost Jane and I tried to make her eat, but I wasn’t about to force food down her throat. After Fergus had cleaned his plate, Jenny offered to put him to bed. 

“Would ye mind waitin’ on the couch, Claire? I’d like to talk wi’ ye,” she smiled, grunting softly as she picked up Fergus. I was in the kitchen, washing our plates and putting them in the dishwasher, trying to give them space. 

Jenny was back ten minutes later and I peered around the corner to see Claire sitting beside her. This had been the longest she’d been out of our room since before the miscarriage. I stood in the kitchen, a cloth in hand, drying the same plate over and over again as I listened to Jenny. 

“I told this to Jamie earlier, but I ken he might not have had time to tell ye,” Jenny smiled. “Ian and I lost a bairn a few years back. Nine weeks. I was devastated and I didna know how to move on wi’ my life after it happened.” 

“I’m so sorry, Jenny,” Claire said. 

“I dinna tell ye this to ask for sympathy or to tell ye that yer pain isna yer own, but I tell ye wi’ the hope that ye can see a way out of the pain. There isna a time limit to when ye’ll feel better, but for me, the only thing that helped was doing small things around the house each day. Slowly, I came back to myself. Ian and I went to counseling for a bit, that was a help as well. But Claire, ye must know that losing a child will stay wi’ ye always and that I’m here for ye. We all are — especially Jamie.” 

I didn’t hear Claire’s response so I peered around the corner again to see her head buried in Jenny’s neck, her back moving as if she was crying. 

“Find ye somethin’ to occupy yer mind wi’ and ye’ll find ye willna focus on that horrible day sae much,” Jenny said, rubbing her back. 

I placed the plate on the counter and walked out into the living room making both of them look up at me. 

“Ye know, Sassenach. I was just tellin’ Jenny how I was goin’ to the store soon to pick up some seeds for yer wee garden out back. But I canna remember what ones ye wanted me to get,” I smiled, hopeful that she would take the bait. 

Claire wiped her cheeks with her fingers, blinking rapidly. “Um, roses perhaps. I’d like to plant a rose bush and just any other herbs you find.” 

“Rose bush it is,” I leaned down, placing a kiss on her head. 

“Our mother had a rose bush, ye ken?” Jenny smiled and I saw Claire’s eyes light up a bit at that. 

“Twas beautiful and ye’ve seen it, Claire,” I grinned. “The one near the entrance at Lallybroch.” 

“Oh that’s right,” Claire said, “I always thought it was so beautiful.” 

I mouthed a thank you to Jenny as I walked back into the kitchen to finish up the dishes. I knew Claire had been wanting to work in our garden for months now and maybe this would be the perfect distraction to help her heal. 


	28. Year Three - March 30th, 2016

**_Jamie’s POV_ **

Claire’s wee garden would have to wait a few more weeks, but I had bought all the seeds she could ever need and had strategically placed them near the teapot so she would see them. Claire never went a day without having a cup of tea. It had been one of the few things she had let me help her with — bringing her tea whenever she wanted it. She was still distant, but I knew the talk with Jenny had helped and I could see traces of the light peeking through the wall she’d built. 

It was still cold outside and it would be for some time. I wanted to get Claire out of our house. Out of our house with the nursery that I had been slowly taking apart. Everyday I walked past it and boxed something up. I should just do it all in one go, but it hurt too much — once all of Jane’s belongings were put away, then she was really gone. 

Jenny and Ian invited us to come and spend some time at Lallybroch. I could work from there and Claire still wasn’t full time back at the hospital so it seemed like the right thing to do. Besides, we had left Annie with my sister while Fergus got used to everything — I always thought that dogs knew when it’s owners were in pain. Adso had stayed with us however, running away from Fergus’s small hands trying catch his tail. 

“Chien?” 

Fergus hadn’t stopped talking about the dog since the moment I mentioned we would go and see one. His eyes lit up and he kept sticking his tongue out in imitation of one. 

“Aye, wee lad. We’re goin’ to see our chien,” I smiled and picked him up, settling him on my waist. “We just need to get yer Mam and her things.” 

I walked down the hallway to our room where Claire had been packing a bag earlier and found her staring at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were fixed on her stomach and I carefully set Fergus down on the bed and walked up behind her. 

“Sassenach?” I touched her shoulder lightly. “Are ye almost ready to go? I told Jenny we’d be there in an hour.” 

Blinking, she met my eye in the mirror and smiled softly. “Yes, I’m ready.” Her hand fell from her stomach and she turned to grab her overnight bag. 

“I’ll get that, a nighean,” I took the bag from her hand and kissed her cheek. She tensed, but only slightly and then I felt her give in as she closed her eyes. 

“Thank you, Jamie.” 

It was more than just a ‘thank you’ for picking up her bag. It was a ‘thank you for being patient with me’. However long it took for Claire to come back to me, I would wait. I would be there whenever she needed me. Claire has already suffered more than one should; I only wished that she would share her burden with me. 

“Ye can head out to the car, I’ll bring Fergus,” I kissed her cheek again and she left the room. 

“Come on, lad. Let’s go see the chien.” 

++++++

A light snow covered the ground as we arrived at Lallybroch and when I set Fergus on the ground, he took two fumbling steps and plopped down on his bum. It was almost April, but Scottish weather was unpredictable. Claire snickered and bent down to pick him up. It was the first time I had seen her willingly interact with him. I knew she loved him, but it also pained her — I could see it in her eyes. 

“Wet,” Fergus said, his tiny hands pressing against Claire’s cheeks and she shivered. 

“Very wet,” She said and then started walking inside. I followed close behind with the bags, setting them down in the entrance. 

“Janet! Ian! We’re here!” 

_Ruff!_

Annie came running around the corner at the sound of my voice. First jumping up to my knees, barking and shaking her tail and after a satisfactory head scratch, she ran to Claire, licking at her ankles. 

“Stop it, Annie, that tickles,” Claire smiled. We really didn’t deserve dogs. 

“Thank heavens yer here,” Jenny appeared from kitchen with Ian following her, carrying their youngest Katherine. “Ye are goin’ to take that damn dog home wi’ ye this time?”

I looked over at Claire who had set Fergus down and was now placing his hand on top of Annie’s furry head. 

“Aye, we can do that. Fergus has settled in nicely so far,” I grinned. 

“Sweet Mary and Joseph,” Jenny made the sign of the cross and I laughed. “Having five bairns in the house, two dogs of our own, a cat and then adding yer dog in the mix has been a wee bit rough.” 

“Annie is well behaved surely,” Claire said from the ground. 

“She’s fine, but tis my kids that arena,” She smirked. “Wee beasties when they all get together.” 

“Not Katherine,” Ian said, bouncing her in his arms. “Not yet anyways.” 

“So I take it ye will be havin’ anymore bairns?” Smirking, I picked up our bags and started walking towards the stairs. 

“Och, God no. I’ve already made Ian promise to get a vasectomy for my birthday present.” 

I winced, looking over at Ian who’s lips were pressed tight. “Aye, I did.” 

Laughing, I walked up to my old room, setting down the bags and nearly jumped out of my skin a moment later when I felt someone’s hand on my back. 

“Jesus! Sassenach,” I turned towards her. “Ye scairt me half to death.” 

“Sorry,” she said through a shy smile. 

“Are ye alright? Do ye feel okay?” I slid my arms around her waist, looking for any signs that she was anything but fine. 

Nodding, she stepped closer and laid her head against my chest. “I’m tired of being sad.” 

“Mo ghraidh,” I laid my hand on the back of her head. “I ken. It’s just been two months. Ye’ve every right to feel sad.” 

“But I don’t want to,” she mumbled against my chest. 

“Is there somethin’ we can do to take yer mind off of it?” Placing my hand under her chin, I turned it so she would look up at me. “Play a board game? We havena done that since before yer chemo. Do ye remember that day?”

“I do,” she grinned then, a genuine smile. “That was one of the best days.” 

“Then let’s get changed into some comfy clothes,” I kissed her. “And then we’ll go downstairs and play a game with our family.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” she said and then moved to pull out sweats from her bag. 

“Annie was happy to see ye.” 

“I missed her,” she said. “Fergus seems to love her. I left him downstairs and they were both getting along just fine.” 

“Dogs are verra good wi’ bairns,” I smiled, pulling off my jeans one leg at a time. I found my grey sweats from my bag and slid them on, sighing at the comfort. “When I was a lad, my dog Nairn used to let me ride him around the place.” 

“Like a horse?”

“Aye, Sassenach. Like a horse. My Mam would yell at me to get off, sayin’ that if I wanted to ride a real horse, then I should go to the stables, but Nairn was just the right size,” I laughed. 

“Nairn is Bran’s grandfather,” I said as I came to sit beside Claire on the bed. “Bran might let Fergus ride on him.” 

“You think?” Claire smiled. 

“There’s only one way to find out…” I smirked. 

++++++

Bran didn’t let Fergus ride him after all. I tried to put him on his back, but he just kept barking and trying to bite at his ankles, so on the second try, I pulled Fergus off quick. I couldn’t wait for the day that Fergus was bigger and I could teach him to ride a proper horse. 

After we all ate dinner and put Fergus to bed, Jenny, Ian, Claire and I played a game of monopoly that went on for nearly four hours. Claire had always been competitive, but I could tell she was still holding back a bit. There was only so much I could do to help her, I just wanted to hold her in my arms and never let her go, but I kent she needed space. 

After Jenny won the game, and we packed it back up, Claire went straight to bed, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

I leaned over her, brushing a curl off her cheek and kissed it. 

“Lord, protect my wife. Heal her heart and take away the pain that she has for our lost bairn. Dinna let her weep, but fill her with joy once again. Protect her from the things I cannot.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a bit short! <3


	29. Year Three - April 10th, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Claire's POV and a wee bit nsfw....

I’d taken Jenny’s advice about occupying my mind and I sat in our backyard, knees and hands in the dirt, digging out a spot for a rose bush. First I had started on clearing up all the weeds and dead plants from when my parents had lived here. 

With dirt under my nails, I stuck my tongue between my lips and concentrated on digging a deep enough hole. I could hear shrieks and laughs from Fergus inside and looked up to see Jamie chasing him through the house. While it touched me to see them so happy and getting along, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t connected with our son yet. 

Every time I looked at him, curly brown hair and dark brown eyes, I couldn’t help but feel my heart squeeze at the thought of Jane. We had been blessed with one child, but I still wept for the one that was lost. 

That’s what made this whole thing so damn difficult — Jamie seemed to be doing just fine. He’d bonded with Fergus quickly and I hadn’t seen him shed a tear in weeks. Perhaps he was better at healing than I was. Perhaps I was broken beyond repair. 

The fresh earth under my fingers was keeping me tethered to something real. This rose bush was real. My heart was beating — that was real. Jamie… Fergus… they were real. 

Sometimes I woke during the night, a cold sweat on my skin and I imagined that I heard Jane crying in her crib. Only once — after I came home from the hospital, did I walk to her half built nursery to find that she wasn’t there. 

Now that room was empty. Jamie had taken out all of the things we had slowly been collecting over the months and gotten rid of them. That door stayed shut at all times. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie appeared in the doorway, slightly out of breath from chasing Fergus. “Do ye want somethin’ to drink? Or are ye hungry at all?”

“I’ll have some lemonade if we have any,” I smiled and then bent my head to resume my work. 

A few moments later, he was kneeling down next to me, offering a cold glass of lemonade. “Thank you,” I took it and drank, downing half the glass in a second. 

“I guess ye were thirsty,” he smiled and then started to stand up again. 

“Jamie?”

He knelt back down, his finger pushing back a stray curl that had fallen over my face. “Aye, Sassenach?”

“How did you—“ I stopped, shaking my head. 

“What? How did I what?”

I looked down at the dirt in my hands, crumbling it between my fingers, ashamed to meet his eyes. “How did you move on? You seem so happy, so… much lighter than I feel.” 

“Ye mean move on from losing Jane?” He sank to his knees beside me, sliding his hand over my back. “Claire, what makes ye think that?”

“You laugh,” I sniffed, wiping my face, no doubt smearing dirt across my cheeks. “You play with Fergus and manage to act like a well put together human being for starters. I just don’t understand why you aren’t still sad?"

“I am sad, _mo nighean donn_ ,” he said softly. “And I only laugh and play because we still have a son that needs our attention. Ye havena exactly been able to help me wi’ that.” 

“Of course I haven’t been able to!” I jerked my head to look up at him. “It kills me to be missing out on this part of his life. I hate myself for not being able to love him like I should — to not be able to bond with him as you have.” 

“I didna mean to make ye upset, Sassenach.” 

“Why don’t you cry, Jamie?” I said, so quietly I wasn’t sure he heard me. 

He took a deep breath and was quiet for a moment before saying, “I cry, mo ghraidh. I cry every day, but I have wanted to be strong for ye. I thought that if ye saw that I was cryin’ it would only make ye more sad than ye already are.” 

“Jamie,” I reached up to cup his cheek. “I thought you had forgotten.” 

“Forgotten? Oh Christ no, Claire. Tis only been 76 days since we lost her, I willna ever forget what happened. Have you thought this of me the whole time?” 

I saw the pain in his eyes then — the dark circles from sleepless nights and for the first time I really looked at him. He was thinner, his cheeks didn’t have that rosy glow they usually did. Jamie looked miserable and here I had been thinking him a heartless man. 

“I did,” I nodded. “I hadn’t seen you cry or heard you talk about her unless I brought her up since just after we came home without her. I’m sorry for that.” 

“Ye’ve nothin’ to be sorry for, Sassenach,” Jamie placed his hand over mine and brought it to his lips, kissing the inside of my palm. “If anyone is to apologize tis me for not bein’ open wi’ how I’ve been feeling. It’s been hell, a nighean.” 

“Share that with me,” I pleaded, turning my body towards him. “Share that pain with me, we promised we would get through this together and just as you hold me up, I will hold you up James Fraser.” 

His eyes watered and my own blurred with tears as I pressed my forehead against his. “There’s the two of us and I need you now more than ever.” 

“I miss her, Claire,” Jamie buried his head in my neck, his arms wrapping around me and his body shook. “I miss her so damn much, it isna fair!” 

I held him, as I said I would and let him cry, wetting my shirt sleeve. It pained me to think of how much he’d been hurting and I hadn’t even asked how he was. I had shut out anything and everyone other than what I needed to do to grieve and move forward. 

“Jamie?” I pulled his head up, wiping his tears away with the pads of my thumbs. “Do you know why I wanted to plant this rose bush?” He shook his head, wiping his nose on his sleeve like a child. 

“I’m doing it so that every time we look at the beautiful roses, we will think of Jane. When they blossom, we can think of her and her beautiful little spirit,” I smiled, a feeling of warmth returning to my body. 

“I love that, Sassenach, tis a wonderful thing to do,” he said and then placed both his hands on the side of my head and kissed me. It was full of unspoken hurts and conveyed all the words we had kept to ourselves. _I love you, I need you, I will always need you._

“I was also thinking,” I said as I wiped my thumbs under his eyes. “That we should talk to someone. Of course, we need to talk with each other about all of this, but perhaps a professional.” 

“Jenny mentioned that to me as well, I meant to ask ye about it,” he squeezed my hand. “I think it would be good for us, so that we dinna bottle up all of the pain. I wish I could help ye, Claire, I do, but I fear that I can’t help ye this time.” 

“Oh, Jamie,” I pulled him to me again, rubbing his back with my hand. “You have helped me so much. You’ve given me space and time, more than I deserve. You’ve helped with Fergus, and for that I can’t thank you enough. No one is prepared to lose a child. No one.” 

Jamie turned his head and rested his cheek on my shoulder, and I felt the way his breathing was slow and steady. I always felt safe in his arms — it had never occurred to me that perhaps he felt the safest in my arms as well. 

We sat there for awhile longer until I realized that Fergus was in the house alone. “Is Fergus alright, Jamie? Where’s he at?”

“He’s playin’ wi’ the Batman figure in his room,” he smiled. “He hasna taken it out of his hands in days.” 

I sighed, leaning my head on Jamie’s shoulder. “I’m a terrible mother aren’t I?”

“Shhh, Sassenach,” Jamie stroked my head, “Dinna ever say that. If it makes ye feel any better, the wee lad has asked for ye almost every night at story time.” 

“He has?” I looked up at him. “Now I just feel worse,” my head sank back down, but Jamie lifted my chin up with his hand. 

“Ye’ve been grievin’, Claire. We have time, he’s no goin’ anywhere,” he smirked. “If ye feel up to it, ye can read to him tonight.”

After talking with Jamie, I was already beginning to feel like my old self again. All I really needed to know was that we truly were in this together and that if either of us had a bad day, we would be there to pick up the pieces. Of course I should have known this after the way Jamie handled my cancer. He’d been my rock when I needed him most. 

“I think I’m up to the task. I can’t promise any good voices though,” I laughed and it sounded strange to my own ears. 

“Come inside, Sassenach. Ye’ve got dirt on yer face,” Jamie smiled and stood up, pulling me up by my hands. He lead me inside and pushed me towards the kitchen sink, grabbing a cloth and wetting the end. Turning to face me, he put on hand on my hip and then dabbed at my cheeks, wiping away the dirt. “All clean,” he smiled and leaned in, kissing the wet spot on my skin. 

I had missed him. His touch, his warmth. The way my body so naturally called out to his to simply hold me and do with me as he would. The past weeks I hadn’t wanted him to touch me even though my mind was at war with what I needed. Now… I never wanted him to stop. 

My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my other cheek, slowly moving his mouth to nibble on my ear. Goosebumps broke out across my skin and I loosely wrapped my arms around his neck, holding on lest my knees gave away. “I’ve missed ye, Sassenach,” he whispered into my ear and that was all it took. 

“Oh God, Jamie,” I cried, tears streaming down my cheeks as I clung to him, my body shaking as his hands parted my legs, pushing my dress up around my waist. I heard the zipper of his fly and then felt his hand between my thighs, and he quickly guided himself inside of me. The doctor had told us to wait three weeks before having sex after the miscarriage. 

It had been eleven weeks. 

As Jamie thrust upwards, hitting that spot just so, I leaned my head into his neck, gently biting his flesh. He had me pressed against the counter, hands clutching onto my back so tightly I knew I would have his fingerprints there. 

It was primal, it was needy. We were both desperate to feel something other than pain and I gave over to feeling the pleasure I so needed. “Jamie, I need you.” I pushed against him, circling my hips as he jerked again and again. “Sassenach,” he whispered and as he kissed me, I felt him spill inside me and only a moment later did I follow him, whimpering my own desperate cry of relief.

Slowly, he pulled out of me, tucking himself back into his pants and then helped me straighten up. I looked up at him, smiling and then started laughing. A deep belly laugh that echoed around the house. 

“Why are ye laughin’?” He smiled. 

“I just can’t believe we did that and Fergus could have walked in and seen us,” I covered my mouth with my hand. “We have to be more careful!” 

“Well I didna have anythin’ on my mind other than partin’ yer legs, Sassenach if I’m honest.” 

I blushed, “Well nor did I. Next time, let’s do it behind a locked door, alright?”

“If my lady insists,” he smirked and kissed me again, his hands settling on my waist. “Want to go check on Fergus now?”

“Yes, please,” I turned on my heel and made my way down the hallway towards Fergus’ room with Jamie hot on my trail. He was sitting on the floor with the Batman figure in his hand making him walk around. I felt a nudge on my back from Jamie and I walked over, sitting down beside him. 

“Are you enjoying Batman?”

He nodded, a small smile on his lips. “Cape!” 

“Oh yes, he does have a very lovely cape,” I smiled, picking up the nylon cape and waving it around. Fergus started laughing and I looked up to see that Jamie had gone, most likely to give me time on my own with our son. 

I spent the next hour lying on the floor, playing with various toys. My dreadful fear that Fergus wouldn’t like me after all these weeks of me moping around started to fade away. He was talkative — with the few words he knew and very cheerful. While I would never forget the pain of losing Jane, my heart was beginning to lighten as I looked into the eyes of our son, seeing hope and love. 


	30. Year Three - May 17th, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nsfw ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in there! Claire's on the mend <3

Jamie and I both decided that we needed a night alone — just the two of us. So we had taken Fergus to Lallybroch along with Annie and were now home and had just spent the last hour in the bath, covered in bubbles. 

I had felt almost guilty for leaving Fergus there, but he loved it over there — playing with his cousins and of course with Annie. 

Jamie had dried off and returned to our room with a towel hung loosely around his hips and I had waited til he left to climb out of the bath. I still had insecurities about my body. 

“Sassenach?” Jamie called from our room and I finished drying my legs, tying the knot of my robe at my waist. 

“Come to bed, a nighean,” He smiled from the bed, sitting on the edge with his hands resting on his knees. “Nothing hurts when ye love me.” He was right; nothing did.

I came to stand between his legs, holding on to the fold of my robe to keep myself covered. His hands slid along my thighs until settling on my waist, tugging on the belt that made me feel safe. But I was always safe with Jamie — my protector, my shield and strength. 

“I want to look at ye, Claire,” he said softly, looking up at me through thick lashes. I always found it unfair how men always seemed to have such beautiful lashes while women needed mascara everyday. I touched them now gently making him laugh. 

Yes, he’d seen me naked a few times since we lost Jane while he helped in my weakest times to bathe me. But we hadn’t properly made love like this since before Fergus had arrived into our lives and that was three months ago. Our quickie in the kitchen a couple of weeks ago, while amazing, was different… 

Since I had lost our daughter, I no longer felt beautiful — I thought I was flawed in some strange way since I couldn’t do what my body was made to do. But as I looked down into the eyes of my husband, the only thing I felt was beautiful. It was the way his hands were slowly pulling at my robe, insistent and needy. The way his knees pressed tightly against my outer thighs, holding me close to him. The way his lips were parted, his tongue snaking out as more and more of my skin was revealed.

“Look your fill, James Fraser,” I said coyly as I let the robe drop from my shoulders. With his help, the rest of the robe fell in a puddle at our feet. Gently, reverently, his hands cupped both of my breasts and I wanted to sink down onto him right then and there. 

“Tha thu cho bòidheach.” 

It seemed that my naked body had rendered him only capable of Gaelic. 

“What was that?” I smiled, cupping his chin with my fingers. His eyes moved from my breasts to my face, pink dotting his cheeks and ears. 

“Yer so beautiful, my Sassenach,” Jamie said this time in English and then leaned forward, pressing his lips just above my navel. I squirmed slightly as it tickled, but his hands kept me steady. “Yer body is a gift to me and I treasure it always.” 

As his lips covered my stomach with kisses, tears began to fall down my cheeks and drop onto his head. He must have felt one and looked up at me, his hand reaching up to wipe away the tears. “Dinna weep, mo ghraidh, but if ye must…” he smiled, “Weep because yer heart is full and happy.” 

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” I laughed through my tears, mostly out of unbelief that this man was truly mine. 

“I ask myself that question everyday, Sassenach,” Jamie smiled. “Now, let me get back to my work, if ye dinna mind.” 

His lips found my navel again, but this time he moved south. “Oh I don’t mind,” I sighed, letting my hands settle on the top of his head. The tip of his tongue pressed against my skin and shivers coursed through my body. Suddenly, his hand slid under my thigh and he brought my foot to rest on the bed beside him. 

“What are y—“ 

I was cut off most abruptly when he pressed his face between my thighs, one hand firmly on my hip. His auburn curls tickled my skin and as he flattened his tongue along my slit, I let out a low keening cry. A muffled “Mmmm” vibrated against me and I couldn’t help but buck my hips. I felt so exposed, so open and his tongue was doing something marvelous which had me calling out his name.

I brought his other hand around to hold my back and he let it fall to squeeze my arse, angling me towards his mouth. All I could hear was the sound of my own wetness and the gentle lapping from his tongue. Slowly, I began to grind my hips. “Christ, Jamie.” 

Tugging on his curls, I wanted to bring him up to kiss me, but he simply shook his head and kept his place. When his tongue curled just so inside of me, I lost it. Spasms raced through my body and as I came, my legs gave out and I fell on top of him. Without missing a beat, Jamie rolled over, pining me to the bed, his towel falling off from around his hips. 

“Kiss me,” I begged and he did. It was always interesting to taste myself on his lips, but I knew he found pleasure in sharing. “I need you, Jamie.” 

“I’m no finished wi’ ye yet, _mo nighean_ ,” he whispered, his breath hot on my face. Jamie placed a kiss to my jaw, my neck and then in between my breasts. My hands found their way into his curls once again as he pressed his lips to my nipple, lightly sucking. It felt wonderful — almost too much. When Jamie took me to bed, it was always earth shattering. In the few years I had known him, not once had he let me leave the bed without making sure I had orgasmed. And sometimes, when I was stressed or my mind was full of nonsense, that took an awfully long time, but Jamie Fraser was always up to the task. 

He swirled his tongue on my hard bud, electrifying my every nerve. His other hand giving attention to my neglected breast, he kneaded it gently. Licking around my areola, I felt his nose push against me and opened my eyes to see him move to the other breast. Jamie was taking his time, slowly breaking down my walls and with it my insecurities. 

“Oh God,” moaning, my back arched off the bed, pressing my chest further into his open mouth. He was sucking deeply now, determined to make my nipples as sensitive as possible. “Jamie, please,” I begged, desperation leaking through my voice. “Please.” 

Reluctantly parting from my breasts, Jamie slid up my body, “I love ye, Claire.” I reached my hand down, along the hard surface of his toned chest, my fingers lingering briefly in his wiry chest hairs. He was rock hard, his cock pressing against his stomach and he groaned as I touched him, his eyes fluttering. 

“Don’t be gentle,” I said into his ear and he opened his eyes, staring down at me as he entered me in one swift motion. The feeling of him so deep inside me had lights popping behind my eyelids. The weight of his body on top of mine was a comfort. Jamie was still a moment, but then began rolling his hips, thrusting again and again. The rasp of his pubic hair against my clit had me pressing upwards to meet him. 

“Oh, Claire,” he panted, kissing me, our bodies moving together. My lips felt swollen as he kissed me hard, daring me to break the seal. His body trembled and I felt the strength he had and how badly he wanted to push even harder, so I told him. 

“Please, Jamie, I want to feel this,” I cried out. “Use me, take me… as hard as you need to.” 

His eyes met mine and then he began a relentless rhythm. My head banged against the headboard from the power of his thrust and in the next moment, Jamie’s hand was on my hip, pulling us down further on the bed. I held onto him, gripping his arms and then slid them to his arse, urging him to move faster. 

“Shit shit shit,” squeezing my eyes shut, I spread my legs as wide as I could, allowing him to press even further. All I felt was Jamie. My hands were filled with his flesh and my heart was filled with him. “Jamie!” 

“Give me your mouth, Sassenach!” He leaned down, pressing firmly and with another powerful thrust I came. I had been so closed off emotionally and physically that as I orgasmed, I began to cry and this time from happiness. Jamie buried his head in my neck, spilling into me and with a grunt he pressed himself over me. 

“Don’t crush me,” I whispered, laughing. 

“Sorry, Sassenach,” Jamie rolled onto his side, bringing me with him. “I think ye’ve killed me.” 

“I can feel your heart beating,” I smiled, laying my hand against his chest. 

“I thought it would burst, _mo nighean,”_ He pulled out of me, and I felt that emptiness I always did when he was no longer inside of me. 

As I laid in bed, feeling sated and happier than I had been in months, I let my hand slowly trail along Jamie’s arm. He glanced down at me, through his thick lashes I was so jealous of — those blue eyes piercing right into my soul. 

“What are ye thinkin’ _mo nighean donn_?”

“I’m thinking —“ I sat up a bit, leaning against the headboard, pulling the sheet up around my chest. “I want you to sing for me.” 

“Sing?” He grunted, a Scottish sound. “I haven done that since—“ He trailed off, his hand finding mine and squeezing tightly. Jamie hadn’t sung for me since just before we lost Jane. He would play his guitar, strumming softly while he sang to my belly. Or he would occasionally tickles the ivories, letting the notes decide the tune. 

“Will you?” I leaned over, kissing his shoulder. “I would really like to hear your voice.” 

Nodding, Jamie kissed me before climbing out of bed and left our room. When he returned, he had his guitar in hand and a soft smile on his lips. 

“Any preference, Sassenach?” He sat down on the edge of the bed — my side, right.

“Anything,” I smiled, my hand lying gently on top of his thigh. 

Clearing his throat, he hummed a few notes as he tuned the guitar, strumming lightly before striking the first chord. 

“ _There’s a somebody I’m longin’ to see, I hope that she turns out to be_ ,” he sang softly, staring at the wall in front of him, _“Someone who’ll watch over me.”_

My throat tightened, eyes filling with tears as he sang. As he sang about our Jane. 

Jamie looked down at me on the next verse, eyes filled with understanding, _“I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood, I know I could, always be good to one who’ll watch over me.”_

A small laugh erupted from my chest as tears fell from my eyes and I squeezed his leg for him to continue as his hand paused on the strings. 

_“Won’t you tell her please to put on some speed, follow my lead, oh how I need…”_ Jamie smiled, a single tear falling on his cheek, _“Someone to watch over me.”_

Placing the guitar down on the ground at his feet, Jamie then climbed on top of me, arms on either side of my body. I welcomed the weight of him, and I wrapped my arms around him, sighing as he kissed me cheeks.

“Do you think she’s watching over us?” I whispered, almost as if she was listening right now. 

“Aye,” Jamie said with his head against my chest. I ran my fingers through his curls, wondering if Jane would have had curls like him or like me. “I do think she is. Our wee babe.” 

“Ten percent.” 

“Hmm?” 

“Ten percent chance,” I repeated and Jamie turned his head to look up at me. 

“We were blessed once, Claire,” Jamie said, kissing my lips. “We may be again someday.” 

“We already are blessed, Jamie,” I smiled, sliding down further under the covers and he rolled us onto our sides. “I’m blessed to have you and to have Fergus! You’ve always taken care of me, even when I didn’t want you to.” 

He laughed, brushing back my hair behind my ear. It was long now, just to my shoulders and I knew he was thinking of the day I shaved my head so I wasn’t surprised when he said as much. 

“It was so hard, Sassenach. To see ye so fragile and no be able to do anythin’ about it,” He sighed. “Just like wi’ Jane. I felt so helpless. So… so weak. Not like the man I should be.” 

“Jamie,” I smoothed my thumb over his bottom lip, “You _are_ strong. And you are exactly who I need you to be. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know what I would have done had I not met you. I told you once before that you saved my life.” 

“Aye,” he chuckled at that. “When ye saw me naked in the shower, and fainted at the sight of me. Who kent that I had such power to make a lassie faint like that?”

I poked his nose with my finger adjusting as he pulled back the covers, sliding in next to me and making me instantly warm. “I did. You are temptation itself, Jamie Fraser. A walking inducement to everyone who lays eyes on you.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” He smiled, moving his hands to my lower back, pressing my naked body against his. 

“You should, but don’t change the subject,” I kissed him, my hand resting comfortably on his cheek. “You saved my life. It was because of you and my fall that I found out about the tumor. It’s because of you that I’m still alive today. So I want to thank you, because I’m sure I’ve not told you enough how much I love and appreciate you.” 

His cheeks blushed red, and he buried his face into the crook of my neck, biting my shoulder lightly. I didn’t often verbally express how much I loved him — it was usually the other way around with Jamie spouting out his love. 

“Look at me, my love,” I grinned, biting my bottom lip. His eyes met mine once again and I never wanted to look away. “Never — and I mean _never_ think that you aren’t enough or that you’ve failed me in some way.” 

Taking firm hold of my thigh, Jamie lifted my leg around his hip and silently we came together. My mouth pressed sloppily to the base of his neck, placing kisses there and licking the skin — tasting salt. His hands held me close, almost afraid that if he let go, I would disappear. And I felt that sometimes. That I would disappear, but it was always Jamie who brought me back to myself time and time again. 

“Let me be enough,” He said softly, his hips moving against mine and I knew he wasn’t talking to me. 

Winding my hands through his hair, I brought his lips against mine, mumbling against them over and over again, “You are enough.” 


	31. Year Three - June 16th, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie, Claire and Fergus go to the zoo for their 1 year wedding anniversary :)

For our one year anniversary, we decided as a family to spend it at the Edinburgh zoo. The main purpose of our trip was so that Fergus would finally stop shouting about penguins. We had a book of animals at home and one night as Jamie read it, Fergus pointed at the penguin and ever since he had carried the book around with him. 

It was also his third birthday in a couple of days so we thought we’d celebrate all week.

So instead of a fancy dinner or something couples usually did on their one year wedding anniversary, Jamie and I were buying tickets to the zoo. I actually found I didn’t mind. It was nice to start to feel like myself again after so long. Seeing Fergus’ smile as we drove up to the zoo and parked — that was worth it. 

“Penguins?” 

“Aye wee man,” Jamie laughed as he unbuckled Fergus from his car seat. It had been a real struggle learning how to use it and quite a few expletives were said in the process of installing it into our car. Now, months later, Jamie was a pro and easily lifted Fergus from the seat and into his arms. 

“There are other animals besides Penguins, Fergus,” I said as I rubbed my hand over his back. “Lions, Tigers—“ 

“And Bears! Oh my!” Jamie added, trying to wink in my direction. 

“Yes those too.” 

Fergus’ little hand flapped wildly in the direction of the entrance and he was nearly bouncing in Jamie’s arms as we finally walked through the gates, day tickets purchased. 

“Should we go straight to the penguins?” I asked as I unfolded the crisp new map, trying to find out just where they were. “They look to be towards the left past the meerkats, red pandas and monkeys, then we’ll make a big circle?”

“Sounds like a good plan, Sassenach.” Jamie adjusted Fergus in his arms, “The sooner we get the lad to the penguins, the better.” 

It was a beautiful sunny day, quite rare for Edinburgh and I tilted my head up to the sky, breathing in the fresh air. Fergus kept squirming in Jamie’s arms so he lifted him up, placing him on his shoulders, holding his hands. I took my phone out, snapping a few pics from behind. 

“Fergus you’re so tall!” I smiled as I came up beside them. 

“Da is tall,” he laughed. 

“Oh yes, yer Da is very tall,” I smiled and hooked one hand through Jamie’s arm and we kept walking towards the penguins. When we reached the Penguin pool, my mouth dropped. 

“This place is bloody huge!” 

Fergus clapped his hands above Jamie’s head, shouting “penguins! penguins!” 

We walked forward, avoiding the biggest crowd to the right to look at the sign. “Ah, Sassenach, says here this is the largest Penguin pool in Europe. It looks it.” 

“Should you put him down?” I glanced up at Fergus who was craning his head forward to look into the water. Jamie grunted as he lifted Fergus off and then placed him down on the ground who immediately tried to run off towards the water.

“Ah, no no,” I grabbed his arm. “We stay with Mummy and Daddy, Fergus. You have to hold our hands okay?”

“Otay,” he nodded and reached his hands out for both of us to take. Then he led us forward, tugging us towards the water to watch the penguins dive off the rock diving board they had. They were funny little creatures, jumping up and swimming and the smallest ones were adorable. 

“Did ye see that one, Fergus!” Jamie pointed to a penguin that had just jumped off the rock. 

“I have one?” Fergus pointed at himself and then back at the penguins. 

“Ah wee lad, I’m afraid no, their home is here wi’ all the other little penguins,” Jamie bent down to his knee in front of him. Then I saw it… the lip tremble. A second later, Fergus opened his mouth and started screeching, with tears beginning to overflow. 

“It’s okay!” Jamie tried to hug him, to silence his screams but everyone was already looking at us. “Stop crying, I’m sorry!” 

“Let’s get away from here,” I beckoned Jamie and he obliged, picking up a crying Fergus and we walked away from the crowd and found a bench to sit on. Fergus reached for me, climbing into my lap and buried his face into my neck. I ran my hand along his back, shushing him. 

“It’s alright, Fergus. The penguins wouldn’t be able to come home with us because we don’t have a big enough pool for them to live,” I said over his crying. 

“B-bath?” he said between sobs. 

Jamie smirked, impressed with his answer and then laid his hand over Fergus’ curls. “Too small little lad. The penguins need to be wi’ their family. Like we’re a family.” 

Tears still fell from Fergus’ eyes and I wanted to cry along with him. If I could buy him a real penguin, I would have done it right there and then. “We don’t have a penguin, but we do have Annie and you like her right?”

“Ruff,” Fergus perked up, barking like Annie. “Ruff!” 

“There ye go,” Jamie smiled, rubbing his hand over his back. “What do ye say,” he glanced over at me, “We get ye a stuffed animal that looks like a penguin when we leave?” 

“Ooo, yes! Then you can have a soft toy every night in your bed with you, sound like a good idea?” I smiled, swiping my thumb across his face. 

“Mmmhhmm,” he nodded and took a deep breath, obviously crying was such hard work for a little boy. 

“Shall we go look at the penguins some more before we go see some monkeys and lions?” I asked and he nodded, now smiling. Jamie picked him back up and placed him on his shoulders again.

Thankfully the rest of the time spent looking at the penguins brought no tears, only shouts of glee. Jamie took my hand and together we walked from enclosure to enclosure, learning more about each animal as we went. My personal favorite was the cute little koalas and kangaroos, while Jamie loved the giant bear. 

“Roarrrr!” He growled and Fergus echoed him. 

We ate lunch in the Grasslands restaurant, filling our tummies with fuel for the rest of the day. Fergus ate fish fingers, while Jamie and I shared a margherita cheese pizza and the chicken salad. 

“Yum yum,” Fergus munched on his fish fingers, clearly delighted. 

“I’m feeling a little tired,” I said as I drowned my pizza bite with water. “Do you think it’d be alright if we saw maybe one more animal enclosure and headed home?”

“Of course, Sassenach,” Jamie kissed my hand. “I’m feelin’ tired as well and I ken the lad must be ready for a nap.” 

“A nap sounds like a good idea,” I smiled. 

Stomachs full and giant penguin stuffed animal purchased, we loaded back up into the car and headed home. Just as I thought, Fergus fell right to sleep the moment his head hit the pillow. 

Jamie and I both sat down on the couch, sighing as we propped our feet up. Leaning into him, I laid my head against his chest. “This was a really lovely day.” 

“Aye, it was,” he kissed my forehead. “Good weather for it too. I’m glad Fergus enjoyed it, I was worried he wouldn’t.” 

“I was too, but he was smiling the whole day,” I turned my face up at him, “Of course, besides the crying at the penguin pool.” 

“Ye handled that quite well, mo nighean. I’m impressed,” he grinned. “I think Fergus likes ye better than me anyhow.” 

“What?” I leaned up on my elbow to better look at him. “He does not! I think he likes you more!” I laughed. 

“Nah, he likes me fine well, but it’s ye he calls out for in the middle of the night when he has a bad dream and tis ye he reached for today when he was upset,” he noted. 

“It’s called a mother’s touch, Jamie,” I rolled my eyes. “All men want to be cradled in a woman’s arms when they’re upset. Didn’t you always ask for your mother when you were crying or had a bad dream?”

He thought about that for a moment and then nodded, “Aye. I suppose I did.” Jamie ran his fingers back through my hair, pressing his thumb against a spot where the hair hadn’t quite grown in. “Will ye hold me then, Sassenach?”

“Always,” I leaned up and opened my arms for him to lay down and he rested his head on my chest. Jamie wrapped his arms around my waist and closed his eyes. “I’ll always be there for you.” 


	32. Year Three - July 28th, 2016

At the start of the week, I woke up violently ill. My first thought was that the cancer was back. It was a nagging thought that wouldn’t go away — no matter how badly I wanted it to. 

I laid in bed — day four, thinking of what it would mean if the tumor had come back. 

More chemo. More late nights of pain. More feeling like a burden to Jamie. 

Jamie had been pushing me to go to the hospital, but I wouldn’t. I knew if it was the tumor coming back that I should go — to halt it’s progress of eating my brain. To stop doubts and worry. For both of us. 

I had just thrown up again — in a bucket beside the bed and I now lay on my side, one hand dangling over the edge, cold and hot at the same time. My head was pounding and I knew I was dehydrated. My stomach was rolling, twisting and turning with every slight movement. 

“Jamie,” I managed to croak out in between labored breaths. He was there in an instant, down on his knees, pushing the vomit filled bucket aside. 

“What is it, _mo nighean donn,_ ” he said softly, his hand light on my head, caressing, stroking, willing me to get better. 

“Water.” 

He looked at me dubiously, “Are ye sure ye can keep it down, last ti—“ 

“Water, Jamie,” I nearly begged. 

Then he was gone and out of sight, hopefully getting me the water that my body was craving. He was right though — I hadn’t been able to keep anything down, not even water, but every cell in my body was screaming for it. 

“Here, sit up babe,” Jamie placed the ice cold glass down on the bedside table and his arms were around me, slowly shifting me to a sitting position. He had to hold the glass to my lips, tilting it back gently as the water trickled down my parched throat. 

“Feel better?”

I nodded and sighed, closing my eyes as I let my head hit the pillow behind me. 

When my eyes opened to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, I saw a curious expression on his face and made a sound — a grunt to inquire what he was up to. 

Jamie’s hand slid over my knee, squeezing lightly. “Sassenach…” 

He slid his hand from my knee, up my thigh and then rested it lightly over my stomach. “Do ye think…” 

“Pregnant?” That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had immediately gone to the worst case scenario, assuming that this was it — that I was dying and would leave this earth by the end of the week. 

He quirked a brow and then shook his head. “I was only wonderin’— ye ken, what else it might be.” 

“I think I would know, Jamie.” I said softly, feeling exhausted just from sitting up for so long. 

“Aye, of course, _mo ghraidh_ …” Jamie’s hand left my stomach and I looked up at him. “But, would ye do somethin’ for me? Humor me?”

“What?”

Jamie didn’t respond, but rose from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, he was holding a pregnancy test in his large hands. 

“I didn’t buy that, did you?” I blinked several times, staring at the test as he laid it in my lap. 

“I bought it yesterday,” he grinned sheepishly and I wanted to kiss him full on the mouth, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have appreciated my foul breath nor did I have the strength to. 

“Jamie Fraser,” I sighed, smiling as my fingers touched the stick. Just the sight of it made my heart nearly shatter into a thousand pieces. It had been just past six months since we’d lost Jane. And with a ten percent chance that I would even get pregnant, I scarcely allowed myself to hope for another pregnancy.

“I was layin’ next to ye the other night, listening to ye breathin’ and such,” Jamie placed his hand over mine, squeezing gently. “And I turned over to watch ye, because I couldn’t sleep.” When I started to open my mouth to ask if I had kept him up, he only shook his head, answering my unspoken question. “Nah, ye werena loud. But seein’ ye in pain troubled me so.” 

“I dinna want to sound like a creep,” he blushed. “But I was watchin’ ye sleep and then I began to notice how ye looked different. Like ye did at the first with Jane.” 

I smiled sadly and Jamie took a break in his story to bend down and kiss my forehead lightly. 

“I reached out, Sassenach and touched ye just here,” he said as his fingers drifted to rest over one breast, cupping the roundness in his hand. “I have kent the shape and weight of yer wee breasts for some time now,” he smirked. “I think I would ken when they change too.” 

“You bloody Scot,” I laughed and then started coughing. Jamie’s hand moved to my back, rubbing in steady circles until the coughing fit passed. 

“All this to say, Sassenach. Would ye humor me? Take the test and find out.” 

I glanced back down at the test in my lap, my thumb touching the end. “I will.” 

Jamie let out a sigh and his shoulders relaxed. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and I prayed to God just then that this test would give us the results we so badly needed. 

“I need more water though…” I pointed to the glass. “I’m terribly dehydrated and if I’m going to have enough pee for that stick, I’ll need another glass or four.” 

“Of course!” Jamie said enthusiastically and then he reached over and held up the glass in front of me. “Drink up, my wee fish.” 

I laughed and tilted my head back as he tipped the glass against my lips. 

Twenty minutes later, I felt the urge to pee and signaled Jamie to help me get out of bed. 

For days, I had been laying in bed and my knees wobbled slightly on the walk to the bathroom, just ten feet away. When I got to the toilet, I turned my head to glance back at Jamie who was standing just in the doorway. “Some privacy, Jamie? Just for this bit.” 

“Aye,” he blushed and then turned back to wait in our room. 

I took a deep breath before continuing on with the next few steps. If I was pregnant, it would certainly explain the sickness, but it was also so violent which worried me if I was with child. 

The test laid on the counter now and Jamie was holding me, his arms wrapped protectively around my body, my head buried in his chest. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to have my heart crushed again. 

I felt Jamie’s body tense underneath my hands and heard a small intake of breath. One arm left my back as he picked up the test and held it in front of his face. 

“Remind me what two pink lines means, Sassenach.” 

My head turned up to peer at the stick and he brought it down to my level. “Two pink lines?” 

“Aye, two. One there and then another there.” 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I muttered. 

“Good or bad, Claire?”

My hands twisted in the cotton of Jamie’s shirt and I turned to look at him, tears brimming and spilling down my cheeks. “Good, darling. Very good news!” 

“Are ye pregnant, Claire?” Jamie dropped the stick then and it fell to the ground with a plastic clink. Both his hands went to my face and I felt like I might pass out. 

“I think I am! Two pink lines means that I am, Jamie!” 

“Christ!” Jamie lifted me off the ground, spinning us both around until I was patting his back with both hands, my head feeling dizzy and my heart rate speeding up. “Sorry, Sassenach, forgot ye were ill.” 

“We’ll go to the hospital tomorrow to confirm,” I said matter of factly and he nodded with that prognosis. 

“Sorcha,” he said my name in the Gaelic — something he saved for special occasions. “We really might have another bairn?”

“If everything goes as planned…” I glanced down between us and suddenly something clicked. It was the feeling of not being alone anymore. I had felt it when I had first found out about Jane — as well as when I felt her leave me. It was the same. Jamie’s hand slid over my stomach and I covered his hand with mine. 

“This time, Claire. We will have a bairn and they will be beautiful,” he kissed my forehead, his lips lingering. 

“God, I hope so.” 

++++++

The next morning, Jamie was already awake and dressed when I came to — still exhausted from having so many sleepless nights. He had called Jenny and asked if she could come and watch Fergus today instead of going into work. 

We hadn’t told her exactly why we were going to the hospital, only that we needed to make sure I wasn’t sick with something worse than the flu. 

Jamie held my hand in his lap the whole drive to the hospital. I could feel the energy radiating off of him — the slight twitches of his fingers, the curve of his lips. He was happy. I was nervous. 

When we got to the hospital, it didn’t take long before both Joe and Geillis were at our side, questioning our presence. 

“Are you sick, Lady J?”

“Probably just the flu,” I smiled weakly. I did think I had the flu, but I was also pregnant and that’s what made me nervous. 

“I’ll page Julia and we’ll have ye out of here in no time,” Geillis smiled warmly, her hand rubbing circles on my back. Jamie had his arm wrapped around my side, his fingers tapping gently — a rhythm to match my fast beating heart. 

Finally, Jamie and I were led into a room with Julia, another fellow doctor. 

“Are ye feelin’ alright, Claire?”

“I almost positive it’s just the flu, but—“ I glanced over at Jamie. “I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.” 

“Ah,” Julia smiled. “So yer here to find out for sure then.” She didn’t ask further questions, like why I hadn’t just called in like a normal patient and ask for an ultrasound. Julia knew about my cancer of course and knew about Jane. 

“I’ll just check yer vitals first and then we’ll see about an ultrasound,” Julia said in her doctor voice. The next few minutes were me and Jamie telling her of my symptoms and when they had started. 

“It couldn’t be the tumor right?” Jamie asked. 

“No,” Julia shook her head. “It’s just a bad case of the flu, nothing more. And then if ye are pregnant, that will be part of the reason why it feels especially bad.” 

I felt Jamie relax instantly and I did as well. That was one less thing to worry about. 

“Okay, time for the ultrasound."

Jamie helped me up onto the examination table, holding my hand and watching nervously as Julia pushed up my shirt and spread a cold gel across my stomach. 

“Alright, let’s take a look,” she smiled. The wand pressed firmly against me, moving slowly across my skin. 

“Is that—“

“The heartbeat?” Julia said and then pointed at a small dot on the screen. “Yes, it is. Claire, you are pregnant!” 

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Jamie cried from beside me his hands flying to cover his face. His shoulders caved in and I saw the tears fall down his cheeks. 

“I would put you at about eight weeks along,” Julia said. “I’m surprised you didn’t catch on sooner.” 

“Well my periods have been irregular since the chemo,” I shrugged, sitting up slightly to wipe off the gel. “I didn’t want to let myself hope… just in case.” 

Jamie slid his arm around my shoulder, and I looked up at him, beaming from ear to ear. 

“Let’s schedule your next ultrasound and then I’ll write you a prescription for that flu,” Julia rose from her chair, turning off the sonogram machine. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie bent down to his knees to kiss me. “We have a second chance.” 

I cupped his cheek, tears of my own finally falling free. “Our rainbow baby.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another wee babe is on the way! And I will spoil my own story, but this baby will live a long and happy life with them <3 now you don't have to worry!


	33. Year Three - August 26th, 2016

“Twelve weeks now, aye?” Jamie slid his hand over my stomach as I stood in front of the sink washing dishes. It was his turn to dry, but he wouldn’t stop touching my stomach. 

“Yes,” I smiled and held up a wet plate. “The baby wants you to dry.” 

Smirking, Jamie let go of my stomach and took the plate, wiping a cloth across it. We had been cautious to talk about the baby, as if speaking of it would jinx it somehow. There was no way of knowing the outcome of this pregnancy, just like there was no way of knowing that Jane wouldn’t live. 

All we could do was stay positive and calm, keeping stress to a minimum. That was a hard thing to do, however, when we also had a now three year old boy who was developing quite the personality. 

“Did you hear back from that preschool for Fergus?”

“Not yet, no.” Jamie grabbed a cup and began to dry it. “Should I call them?”

“Yeah, if you have time to do it tomorrow. He just turned three a few weeks ago, and he has adjusted so well,” I felt tears spring to my eyes at the thought of Fergus attending preschool, even if it was just three days a week. 

“He would start in just a month, Sassenach,” Jamie set down the cup and turned to me. “I feel like this year… this year has gone by in a blink of an eye.” 

“It hasn’t gone as we planned, has it?” I smiled sadly and thread my fingers through his. “I often wonder if we hadn’t lost Jane… what would our life look like now?”

Jamie’s lip trembled, as it always did when mention of Jane was brought up. “It doesna do any good to dwell on what isn’t.” He laid his hand over my stomach, barely a bump. “I wish that Jane was wi’ us _everyday_ , Claire, but—"

“But, we have a second chance,” I finished for him, covering his hand with my own. “Speaking of second chances, the next ultrasound is on Wednesday… do you want to find out the sex?”

Jamie’s fingers moved under my chin, and he pressed his thumb lightly against my lower lip. “Aye, we should. If ye want.” 

“Yes, I want to,” I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I don’t care what it is, just as long as he or she are healthy and alive.” 

Jamie kissed me, his lips lingering. There was a safety I always felt in his arms — that no matter what happened, when I had him, I knew everything would be okay. It had always been. 

We finished up the dishes and joined Fergus in his room. He loved playing with Jamie, especially whenever Jamie would “wrestle” with him. All I could do was cheer them both on from the corner, hoping that no harm would come to either of them in the process. 

“Hiya!” Fergus shouted, meaning for Jamie to lift him higher in the air. He was lifted into the air, his legs dangling and Jamie spun around, smiling as Fergus laughed. Then Jamie dropped to his knees rolling over onto his stomach, pulling Fergus to sit on him. 

“Och, lad! Ye’ve got me!” 

Fergus moved up and down on Jamie’s stomach, giggling as he did so. “Got ya!” He smiled and then twisted his legs so he was straddling Jamie. I pulled out my phone, taking a few pictures of them. 

“Da,” Fergus said. “Play wi’ dinosaurs?” 

Lifting his head, Jamie grabbed Fergus and moved him to sit on the ground. “Aye, we can play wi’ the dinosaurs. I’m sure yer Mam would love to as well,” Jamie smirked, looking over at me. He knew very well that my least favorite thing was to play with the plastic dinosaurs that somehow always got tossed at me. 

“Hey, Geillis canceled on me for this weekend…” I looked at Jamie who was making funny faces at Fergus. 

“Och, I’m sorry, Sassenach. I ken ye were lookin’ forward to yer wee spa day. Could Jenny go wi’ ye?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I already called her. She’s busy with the kids the whole weekend.” 

I had been given a free day at the spa by one of my colleagues and had planned it for this weekend with Geillis. She called yesterday to say she couldn’t attend and I had my sneaking suspicion that she had finally got the date with a fellow she’d been eyeing. 

Moving my fingers along Jamie’s forearm, it made him turn his head back at me. “You don’t have any plans this Saturday do you?”

“Nah,” he smirked. “Why do ye ask, mo nighean donn?”

“Well, we could ask Murtagh or Joe to come over and watch Fergus…” 

“And…” he knocked over Fergus’ t-rex with his velociraptor. 

“You can join me at the spa!” I laughed. “I think you would really enjoy it, Jamie. We can have a massage and get facials and get our nails done.” 

“I willna be havin’ my nails painted, Sassenach,” his cheeks blushed. “Perhaps… cleaned up a bit, but no colors.” 

“So that’s a yes?” I sat up on my knees. 

“Aye,” he smiled. “It’s a yes. But first we have the ultrasound that morning.” 

Silently, I moved back to sit in the chair in the corner. It was the 12 week ultrasound, the one when we could find out the gender of our baby. I’d been hesitant and nervous since I found out I was pregnant again, not even fully believing it yet. Jamie noticed my sudden quietness and whispered for Fergus to keep playing with the dinosaurs. Then he crawled over on his knees to sit in front of me. 

He slid his arm up my thigh and rested his hand over my stomach. “Mo ghraidh… I ken that yer scared. I would be lyin’ if I said I wasna either. But, we’ve done everything as the doctor said and we will keep doin’ what we need to.” 

“Once we find out if it’s a boy or a girl, Jamie,” I felt tears come to my eyes. “Then it will be even harder to s-say… goodbye.” The tears fell and I didn’t want to scare Fergus so I lowered my head so my curls covered my face. 

“We won’t be sayin’ goodbye this time, Sassenach,” Jamie reached up and cupped my cheek. “But, if ye dinna want to know the sex of the baby, I understand.” 

If I knew whether it was a girl or boy I was now growing inside of me, then it would be harder in case anything happened, like it had with Jane. But losing a child is hard no matter what the sex of it is. That’s not a kind of pain one can prepare for. 

I wiped my tears, sniffing as Jamie pushed back my curls. “I want to know. I’m terribly afraid, but I want to know.” 

“Ah,” Jamie sighed. I knew he wanted to know very badly. “I’m glad for it.” 

Jamie placed a tender kiss to my knee and then I felt a little hand on my other one. Fergus had crawled over and now following Jamie, placed his small wet lips against my knee. “Mam havin’ a baby,” he smiled. 

I laughed, looking into his perfect cherub face and touched his cheek. “Yes, your mother is having a little baby. Maybe a brother or a sister for you.” God, please let this child be safe. 

“How about that lad?” Jamie picked him up, cradling him in his arms. “Ye want a sibling?”

“Another one?” Fergus said, his eyes going to my still rather flat stomach. 

“Another…” I said softly. 

“Mam had a baby,” Fergus pressed his hand against Jamie’s cheek. “Baby gone now.” 

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. Neither Jamie or I knew what to say to him, but I bent over, hugging both of my lads. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks and I could have stayed like that for hours, but then Fergus started squirming, demanding for air. 

Laughing, Jamie set him down and he crawled back to his dinosaurs as if he hadn’t just squeezed my heart with his small hands. Jamie took my hand then and pulled me up, leading me out into the hallway and wrapped his arms around me. I wept for a time and then just let him hold me — us. 

++++++

The ultrasound had gone well. The baby was progressing nicely and when we found out the gender, tears I didn’t know I even had came to the surface. 

_A girl. A baby girl._

“You would think I would have cried all my tears by now,” I sniffed as I wiped my face with a tissue. 

“That’ll be the hormones,” Jamie kissed my temple. “Ouch!” He groaned whenever I hit his arm for that comment. 

“Everything looks really good, Claire,” Clary, our obstetrician (?) said. “Just keep takin’ things easy as well as continuing to take your pre-natals. I’ll see you two at the next scan.” 

“Thank you Dr. Grant,” Jamie thanked her. “We appreciate all your help.” 

“Yes, thank you,” I sat up, still wiping at my face. She smiled and left the room, leaving Jamie and I on our own. 

“You never got rid of the things we had bought for Jane did you?” I asked. “Looks like we may need them.” 

Jamie wrapped his arms around me, and I leaned into his chest. “Nah, I didna get rid of them… I didna have the heart. They’re packed up at Jenny’s.” 

“Thank you for that,” I kissed his chest and then looked up at him. “For not listening to me when I told you to get rid of it all.” 

“I knew that one day ye might want to look at it again,” Jamie cupped both my cheeks. “Now her sister can use her things as well as some new wee baby things.” 

Smiling, I leaned up on the examination table and kissed him. When I opened my eyes, I saw the clock on the wall behind him. “Oh! We better get going if we want to make it to the spa!” 

“Och, yes,” Jamie released me and helped me down off the table. “I canna wait to be pampered,” he laughed. 

“You’ll love it,” I poked him in the ribs.   


++++++

He did love it. And I couldn’t help but snap a few pictures of my husband getting a pedicure with a lovely green face mask on. 

“Was that the sound of a camera?” He opened one eye at me and I dropped my phone into my lap. 

“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tried to keep from laughing, but it was proving difficult at the sight of him and the fact that my feet were extremely ticklish as I got my own pedicure. 

“I better not see any photos posted _anywhere_ , Sassenach,” Jamie looked at me, one green brow raised. 

“I promise!” I crossed my fingers. “You just look like you’re enjoying yourself rather a lot.” 

He smirked and reached his hand over to mine, “I am. Dinna tell anyone, but it feels nice.” 

“Your secret is safe with me, darling,” I kissed the back of his hand. We spent the next thirty minutes finishing up our pedicures before going into the massage room. It was dimly lit and relaxing music was playing. 

Being pregnant — even as little far along as I was —I was only able to lay on my back, but in no time I closed my eyes and found myself drifting off to sleep. It was only when I heard Jamie whispering my name did I wake up. 

“Claire,” he smiled down at me, now fully dressed. “Och, yer awake.” 

“I fell asleep?” I said groggily, sitting up and looking around the room. The attendants had left. “How long have you been watching me sleep?” I gestured to his clothes. 

“Only a few minutes,” he kissed my nose. “Ye looked so peaceful, I told the ladies to let ye rest awhile longer and that I’d wake ye.” 

“Oh, well, thank you I suppose,” I smiled and moved my legs over the side of the table to get up. As I sat up fully, the sheet around me fell to my waist and I felt Jamie’s hand on my shoulder. 

“Dinna move, just yet, mo nighean,” Jamie said softly and when I looked up into his eyes, I thought I would burst into flames on the spot. He leaned down and kissed me, his tongue parting my lips. 

“Jamie,” I said a little breathless in between kisses. “We can’t do anything in here, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” 

“There is nothing against the law that says I canna kiss my wife,” he smirked and then moved his lips down over my neck and chest, his lips hovering over a hardened nipple. “Just one kiss…” 

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered as he closed his mouth over my nipple, his tongue pressing firmly on the hard bud. I could have let it go on and we might have ended up with him on top of me, but I was intensely aware of the thin walls of the building. 

“Jamie, stop,” I said quietly and he released my breast, looking up at me like a lost puppy. “Take me home.” 

His eyes turned to slits and he came back up to kiss me. “With pleasure, Sassenach.” 


	34. Year Three - October 31st, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fraser's first Halloween as a family!

It was officially our first Halloween as a family of three — well, four technically. I knew Jamie had been counting down the days until we would all take Fergus out trick or treating. 

I was just putting the finishing touches to my costume, Morticia Addams, when Jamie knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Are ye almost ready?” He stood in the doorway, his hair slicked and sprayed black, and of course he had Gomez Addam’s signature mustache. 

“Almost,” I smiled and finished applying my red lipstick. I’d done the best I could with what limited makeup I owned, and my skin was already pale so that was a plus. 

“You look beautiful, Sassenach,” he came up behind me, staring at me in the mirror. “Or should I say… Morticia.” 

Standing up, I showed off my costume, it was a simple long sleeved black dress, much like one that Morticia would wear. I had been looking at costumes for almost a month and Jamie had wanted me to pick one with a really deep V.

_“What about this one?” He turned his phone around to show me a dress with a plunging neckline._

_“Jamie…” I blinked at him. “You do realize that I’m pregnant, and a mother of a three year old. I can’t be walking around the street like some hussy!”_

_“But you’re my hussy,” Jamie pouted, his bottom lip sticking out. “Come on, Sassenach, you’d look so sexy in it.”_

_“I wouldn’t be able to even fit in that thing,” I rolled my eyes. “My boobs would be popping out,” I looked at him. “But that’s probably what you want hmmm?”_

_“Not just that,” he furrowed his brow and went back to looking at his phone. “I just really think you can pull it off.”_

_“Nope, sorry babe,” I sighed. “What about this one?” I showed him my phone, a plain black dress with a deep enough V down the front that I hoped would appease him._

_“Hmmm,” he took the phone to get a closer look. “It’s nice.”_

_“Nice?” I laughed. “Jamie, I’m not getting one with a deeper neckline and that’s that so you take this or leave it.”_

_“Oh, so if I say no to this one then ye’ll go naked then?” He tried to wink and moved forward towards me on the couch, with one thought on his mind._

_“No,” I giggled when his hands found my sides, fingers moving rapidly. “I didn’t say that!”_

_“Get that wee dress ye want, Sassenach,” Jamie kissed my neck. “And take off these damn clothes now!”_

I was happy with my dress choice, and apparently Jamie was too. His hands now slid to my side, his eyes looking down at my stomach between us. 

“Are you alright?” I asked when he didn’t say anything. 

“Yes,” he grinned and then slid one hand over my small bump. “The dress just shows off yer wee belly so nice. It’s a lovely sight to see, Sassenach.” 

“It’s probably the most snug dress I’ve worn in years,” I took a deep breath then, as if the material was in fact crushing my lungs. “I kind of can’t wait to take it off tonight.” 

“I’ll help with that,” Jamie smiled and kissed my cheek, knowing not to mess up my newly applied lipstick. 

“And you look rather dashing, Gomez,” I smiled and placed my hands on his velvet suit jacket. It was a dark maroon color. “I can’t wait to take you out of that tonight either.” 

“Too bad we have to go out,” he sighed, pressing his forehead against mine. “I’d press ye up against the wall, but I’m practicing my self control.” 

“Oh are you now?” I laughed. “Well done then, babe.” 

“Maaaaaaaa!” Came a small voice from the hall and I pulled away from Jamie.

“That’ll be the penguin,” I smiled and grabbed my small purse off the bathroom counter and went to find our son. 

He’d insisted on being a penguin whenever we told him what Halloween was. We told him he could dress up as anything he wanted in the whole wide world and he still chose to be a penguin. When I found him just outside our door, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. 

“Oh, darling! You are so cute!” He was dressed in a small penguin costume and had red cheeks to match. His curly hair helped tie the whole thing together and he reached his arms up for me to pick him up. “I don’t think I can carry you anymore, you’re getting a bit big for Mama.” 

Jamie came and picked him up, setting him against his hip. I hadn’t been able to pick him up for a few weeks ever since my belly had started to grow. He loved to sit with me and press his ear against my stomach, listening to his baby sister’s heartbeat. Jamie and I had wanted everything about this pregnancy to go smoothly, which meant taking things easy. 

“Treat?” He echoed our words from earlier, placing his hand on his little tummy. 

“Oui, monsieur!” Jamie smiled and started to bounce him around. “Maman will carry your wee bucket and we’ll get ye some treats lad.” 

“Treat! Treat!” He smiled and with that we were off, walking out the door and out to join the rest of our neighbors on the street. It was pretty early in the night, just 5pm and we’d said we’d only be out for an hour. 

A few other trick or treaters passed us on the sidewalk. A little girl dressed as a princess, a small boy as a mouse and then a mum and dad dressed as Captain America and what could only be a female version of Thor, cape and all. 

I always loved Halloween. Or Samhain as it was better known over here. The smells of autumn and the changing colors of the trees. Jamie had grown up listening to Scottish fables about ghosts and witches and he wasn’t too keen on the idea of taking Fergus out, but came around when I told him who I wanted to dress up as. 

The first house we went to handed out snickers and we collected a couple of those. I was hoping for some Twix bars, my favorite. Fergus wouldn’t possibly be able to eat all his candy, nor did he need it all, so Jamie and I would take out half and hide it in a secret stash for us later. 

“Can ye press the button?” Jamie asked Fergus while holding him up to press the doorbell. 

“Trick or treat!” Jamie said for a shy Fergus and held up the bucket where more candy was thrown in. 

Our little penguin wanted to hold both our hands, so we walked down the rest of the street with him in the middle. 

We passed our neighbors, waving hi and chatting with them briefly. It was nice to get out and see everyone, join in on the festivities. I knew that in a few years, Fergus wouldn’t want to trick or treat with us anymore, but instead go out with his friends, so I was savoring up every moment of it. 

I looked over at Jamie, smiling, “Just think… next year we’ll have our daughter with us.” 

“We can dress her up too!” Jamie said excitedly and I could see the possible costume ideas flitting through his mind. 

“Please don’t say as a pumpkin,” I laughed. 

“But she’d be sae cute as a wee pumpkin, Sassenach…” Jamie tilted his head to the side. “But we dinna have to decide now, we have plenty of time for that.” 

We visited a few more houses, nearly filling up Fergus’s bucket to the top and decided that we should return home to start getting Fergus ready for bed. He yawned as Jamie lifted him up onto his shoulders. 

I took a few photos, wanting to always remember this night. Our house was warm whenever we entered it and I welcomed the heat. As the sun had gone down, it’d gotten colder as well and this dress was pretty thin. 

“Bath time wee lad,” Jamie said, taking Fergus down from his shoulders. “Need to wipe that stuff off yer cheeks then ye can have a piece of candy before bed.” I looked over at him, eyes wide — candy before bed would just keep him awake. 

“Ah, come on, Sassenach. Tis Halloween, the lad needs at least one piece of candy.” 

“One,” I squinted my eyes at him. “And I’ll know if he has any more than that.” 

“Aye, one piece,” he grinned and swept Fergus off to take a bath while I went to our room to scrub my face. 

Fifteen minutes later, still in my dress, I walked upstairs to find Jamie lifting Fergus out of the bath and wrapping him up in a towel. “Alright lad, Mam said one piece of candy tonight and one piece only. We canna disobey her or she’ll ken it.” 

I hid myself behind the door and watched them, trying not to laugh. 

“More?” 

“Tomorrow,” Jamie grinned and dressed him for bed, sitting him down on his bed. He then pulled out a tiny snickers bar and unwrapped it for him. “Enjoy that.” 

Fergus happily started to munch on the chocolate and I decided to let myself be seen and walked into his room. 

“One piece right?” I asked Jamie, smirking as I sat down on my knees beside him. 

“Of course, _a nighean_ ,” he nodded at Fergus who nodded back. 

Once Fergus finished the snickers, I took him to brush his teeth, making sure to get every crevice of his mouth before leading him back to bed to tuck him in. 

“Goodnight my little munchkin,” I kissed his nose. 

“Goodnight my wee lad,” Jamie followed, kissing his nose, something we had started doing every night. 

“Nigh night,” he grinned back, waving his little hand as we walked out of the room, leaving the door propped halfway open. 

“I’d call that a pretty successful first Halloween,” Jamie said softly as we made it out of earshot of Fergus’s room. 

“Yes,” I smiled, pushing open the door to our room. “It was actually. No drama or fussing.” 

“I think he was just so excited,” Jamie said and started to unbutton his shirt — he’d already taken off his velvet jacket when we first came in. 

“Can you help me with my zipper?” I asked him, standing with my back to him and he came over, his shirt now lying on the ground. 

“It’d be my pleasure,” he kissed the back of my neck and his fingers found the zipper, tugging and pulling on it. I was standing in front of the full length mirror we had in our bedroom, watching the material fall from my shoulders. Once the zipper was fully down, he pushed it down my arms and helped me step out of it. 

“Yer so beautiful, Claire,” he kissed the back of my neck again, his eyes looking at my body in the mirror. His hands found the clasp of my bra next and he unhooked it, and I let it fall to the ground. “And all mine… mon amour.” 

“Oooo, I like it when you talk French to me,” I blushed and squirmed only a little when his hands traveled down my side and hooked into my black panties. 

“Je vais te manger,” he said into my ear and my stomach twisted at knots and the thought of him ravishing me… or more correctly — eat me up. My panties slid down my legs and I was left bare, staring at myself in the mirror. Jamie’s hands came up and cupped both breasts, softly kneading them. 

“When yer belly is full wi’ child… God, Claire, I want to weep wi’ how beautiful ye look,” he said and slid one hand to cover my stomach. “Knowin’ that we’ve been give a second chance…” 

I covered his hand with mine, squeezing it tight. “It’s a miracle, Jamie.” 

“You’re a miracle,” he kissed my shoulder and then met my eye in the mirror. Without a word, he slid his hand from my belly to between my legs which I parted for him. His finger teased my entrance, already wet for him. 

“Je t’aime,” Jamie said and placed another kiss to my other shoulder. His bare chest pressed against my back and I felt his nipples hard on my skin and his thick cock against my lower back. 

“Tha gaol agam ort,” I replied and then his finger slid inside of me. My lips parted and I watched as he began to slowly pull me to pieces. Jamie was still wearing pants, and this was clearly just for my pleasure, but I knew he enjoyed it too. 

I couldn’t take my eyes off of his face watching his hand in between my legs. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen in my life, seeing the way he bit his lip and his cock twitched behind me. 

He added another finger and his other hand still on my breast flicked my sensitive nipples. I was close and he knew it. His hand never faltered and my orgasm raced through my body, making my body tremble against his. Jamie held me to him, watching as my body racked with small spasms. 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I muttered whenever I regained consciousness and looked at him. 

“Just me, Sassenach,” he smiled and I turned in his arms. “Now, what do you say we watch a scary Halloween movie?”

“And by watching you mean….” I smirked, my hands already on the waistband of his trousers. 

“I mean watch the movie, a nighean,” his eyes widened. “I’d no take advantage of a pregnant lady!” 

“Oh, but I made no promises to not take advantage of you,” I growled and pressed my lips to his. 

We ended up on our bed, limbs entwined and hearts racing with _The Addams Family_ playing quietly in the background. It was a happy Halloween after all…


	35. Year Three - December 26th, 2016

For Christmas, we spent the day at Lallybroch. This was now my third Christmas with the Fraser bunch and it was still just as fun as the first time. Only now, our own son got to run around on Christmas morning with all his cousins, making a mess with the wrapping paper and eating too many sweets. 

My heart was so full it felt fit to burst at the sight of Fergus’ face whenever he opened his presents. Of course, a three year old would love anything you gave them, sometimes they even loved the cardboard box the toy came in more. 

This time last year I had been pregnant, but only a few months along. My belly was growing bigger by the day — I was now the most pregnant I had ever been, seven months. It was hard for the both of us whenever this baby grew past the point that Jane had lived. I mostly felt fear… fear that something would go wrong at any moment. 

Jamie was supportive as always, making sure I had everything I needed and that I was taking it easy. I had stopped working at the hospital a month ago, and I was grateful for a boss that understood that with everything I had been through in the last several years, the stress of being a doctor wasn’t going to help. 

I missed it of course, the daily routine and helping patients, and maybe one day I would be able to return to that, but for now I wanted to focus on my family. I was also grateful for a husband who had his own business and was able to support us. 

We stayed at Lallybroch last night, too tired to return home to wake up in our own beds. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see Jamie sitting up in bed with a book in his hands. 

“What time is it?” I said groggily, wiping my hand across my face. 

“Nearly noon, Sassenach,” Jamie smirked. “Ye slept like the dead.” 

“Noon?” My eyes widened. I hadn’t slept in like this in so long, especially not since I’d been pregnant — I always slept lightly and scared that something would happen. 

“Must have been all that eggnog ye drank yesterday,” Jamie smiled and pressed his hand to my cheek. “I went down for breakfast and I tried to wake ye, but ye didna budge.” 

“I probably needed the sleep then,” I sighed. “Is Fergus alright?”

“Och, aye. Playin’ wi’ his cousins and his new toys.” 

“Good,” I smiled and sat up a bit in the bed. “Oooo!” I put my hand over my belly and Jamie immediately turned towards me. 

“What’s wrong? Are ye alright, Claire?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” I smiled sheepishly, feeling bad that I had worried him. “She’s just kicking,” I grabbed his hand and placed it over the spot where she had just kicked me. 

A few moments later, Jamie’s eyes lit up and he pressed his other hand to cover my stomach. “Wow… that’s… the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt, Sassenach.” 

“Isn’t it?” I smiled as tears came to my eyes. Jamie leaned down and placed his ear against my belly to listen to her heartbeat. I ran my hand through his curls, watching him smile as he felt her kick against his face.

“A rowdy one,” Jamie laughed and sat back up, his hand sliding over my stomach. 

“Like her Da,” I chuckled. 

“That’s amazing,” Jamie said again as he sat back against the headboard, his hand still covering my stomach while he picked his book back up. 

He kept his hand there while I continued to fully wake up, checking my phone for any missed messages. 

Grinning to myself, I slipped my hand under the cover and he dropped the book. “Sassenach! We canna—“ 

“Well we can,” I smiled as I moved my hand up a little more, just touching the head of his cock. “But I know we said we wanted to be as safe as possible until the baby is born.” 

“Aye, we did, Claire…” he moved his hand on top of mine, grasping it firmly to move it, but I only pressed harder making him squirm. “Which is why ye canna be touchin’ me like this.” 

“Oh, but there are other ways to enjoy ourselves in bed my dear lad,” I laughed and moved my thumb on the tip, swiping the wetness there. Jamie groaned, his eyes squeezing shut as his head hit the pillow behind him. 

“But I wouldna feel right takin’ pleasure from ye while ye dinna receive any in return,” Jamie opened his eyes looking me seriously in the face. Oh he did break my heart with loving him. 

“What makes you think I don’t get any pleasure from watching you like this?” Smiling, I pulled back the sheet to expose him to my wandering eyes. He was half-hard in my hand. I started to pump his cock, watching as it grew and his thighs clenched. “You have hands, surely you can think of something to do to repay me."

“Christ!” Jamie’s hips jerked and then his hand was covering mine, setting a steady pace — much faster than my current one. “I canna wait until the bairn is born, Sassenach.” 

“Oh me too,” I smiled softly. “She’ll be so sweet and—“ 

“I dinna mean to talk of our unborn daughter just now while ye have me in such a position,” Jamie smirked, his eyes glancing down my robe, the opening revealing my full breasts. “I only mean that I canna wait until yer belly isna full of my child so I can take ye as I please.” 

“And how would you take me?” I urged, twisting my hand just so. 

His eyes squeezed shut again and I saw a light sweat breakout on his forehead. “Sassenach,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“Would you have me on all fours, my fat arse in the air?” I moved my other hand to cup his balls. “Or would you have me on my back?” His hips bucked once again and I knew he was close. “Perhaps you’d like me on top to please you… my breasts swinging in your face.” 

With that final image in his mind, Jamie came with a deep groan, his body jerking and I kept my grip firm on him, enjoying watching him come undone. I pumped him twice slowly before releasing him and leaning over to kiss him. 

His breath was hot and his chest rose quickly after his climax. Jamie wrapped one arm around my waist holding me to him. “Sassenach, I thought my heart was goin’ to burst.” 

“Did it not?” I smiled as I kissed his cheek all while letting my hand trail down his toned stomach and rest just near his groin. 

“Nah,” he moved his hips to try and get my hands off him. “Tis yer turn, mo nighean donn.” Jamie tried to push me to lay back, but I was faster. I shimmied down the bed, placing both my hands on his thighs and looked up at him. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered, sitting up on his elbows. 

With one hand in my hair, I leaned down and took him in my mouth. Jamie groaned, holding me close as I began to bob and suck. It didn’t take long and I swirled my tongue, hollowing my cheeks and drinking him down. 

“Claire!” He shouted, his hand gripping my shoulder. I came off him with a ‘pop’, feeling slightly light headed and rather sated. 

I moved over to lie on my back beside him and immediately his hand came to untie my robe. “Let me catch my breath and then I’ll have my way wi’ ye, Sassenach.” 

“Oh do take your time,” I chuckled. He gave me a sly grin and then after a moment to collect himself, resumed the task of undressing me, laying me bare before him. 

Jamie leaned down, his head at my breast and took one pink nipple into his mouth. I winced at the tenderness and he looked up at me through full lashes and I smoothed back his hair, a sign for him to continue. 

“So soft, mo ghraidh,” Jamie kissed each breast, his fingers squeezing gently. His tongue pressed against my sensitive peak and I moaned, loudly. A trail of kisses were placed from breast to navel and my heart sped up in anticipation of what would come next. 

The moment his finger touched me there, I cried his name. He parted my folds and I heard the sound of my own desire. “Oh, Claire,” Jamie said reverently and placed a gentle kiss to the underside of one breast before sliding a finger inside of me. 

“Jamie,” I sighed, arching my back and flexing my pelvis. His other hand came to rest on top of my belly as he pumped his fingers in and out. “Jamie!” 

“Come for me, my own,” Jamie begged, his mouth now nibbling on my breast. I clenched my thighs around his hand, stopping his movements for a brief moment and then his thumb pressed against my clit. In slow steady circles, Jamie brought me to my climax with just the tip of a finger. 

“God, I love you,” I sighed, smiling as he slid up my body and pressed his lips to mine. 

“I love ye so much,” Jamie nuzzled his nose against mine. “Sometimes I think I must be the only one who knows what it feels to love someone as much as I love ye. It’s overwhelming, Sassenach.”  


“Yes,” I stroked his curls. “Yes it is.” 

Jamie brought both our hands to rest over my stomach. “This child _will_ live, Claire. I ken it. We have nothin’ to be afraid of.” 

I squeezed his fingers tightly, holding onto them lest I float away. “But I am afraid, Jamie. So terribly afraid.” 

“It’s seven months now…” 

Jane was just over four months when she died. This child had already outlived her sister. 

“Just over two months to go.” 

“Two months until I can watch ye cradle her safely in yer arms, Sassenach.” 

I turned in his arms, pressing my face into his chest and he tightened his arms around me. This time I would will my body to do what it could not before. This time, when we left the hospital in two months… we would be leaving as a family of four. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading the third year! Only one more year to go, hopefully it will be posted shortly!


End file.
